Overload...

Old 05-03-2004, 09:03 PM
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Overload...

I'm overwhelmed right now, I'm trying to breathe...and just when I think I have it under control...I realize that I have nothing under control...least of all me.

I stumbled on SR because my husband is a cocaine addict. I was at the absolute end of my rope, and probably very close to a nervous breakdown when I first came here. I usually post in Nar-Anon...and it's been a lifesaver, truly. I'd been running around like crazed person trying to find a way to "fix" my "broken" husband. Never thinking for one moment that there was anything wrong with ME.

Talk about an eye opener. I remember thinking at first, "I'm the normal one here, why the hell do I have to "recover" from anything? I don't have time for this crap! If he'd just smarten the hell up, then we could have a normal, healthy relationship."

Then I was introduced to the word co-dependent. Ahhh...Finally, a name for me. But, to tell you the truth, after spending so much of the later part of my life wrapped up in his drama and his feelings, feeling anything for myself has proven to be quite an endeavour.

I always thought that I had forgiven my parents for my childhood...made my peace with it...and moved on. I even have "their" language down pat. "What's the use in bringing up the past? What's done is done"...well, you know how the rest goes...

I'm now begining to realize, that I've dealt with nothing. I've just been shoving every little hurt that comes along, right down with the others...hurt on top of hurt, on top of hurt. I'm bursting at the seems here. I'm overwhelmed with where to begin...and quite frankly, almost sick of the sounds of my own thoughts at this point.

The grown up in me says (and always has said this) that there comes a point when you just let go of the things people have done in the past, suck it up, and move on...I've always hated when people blame their childhoods for every one of their shortcomings. But then there's the little girl in me...who justs aches to be consoled, and I've just ignored her for so long.

So, I guess what I'm asking here is where do you begin? It's like since I've come here, (originally to find answers for my husbands problems) I feel like I've opened a pandoras box. There are days that I just want to shut off my computer, walk away, and pretend that I never began this journey...(I'm very good at pretending)...Thanks in advance, for any thoughts...
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Old 05-03-2004, 11:18 PM
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Re: Overload...



Hey Lizzy,

You begin where ever you feel comfortable and whenever you are ready. Maybe you should just walk away from the computer and think about things sometimes. Yes, I too have opened a can of worms. I read many of the posts here and think to myself "My situation is lucky compared to theirs." But then I realize that comparisons will not help my situation. Relating to others can though. I know you are going through so much and it is hard. Perhaps you should find ways to escape however brief it is. A day long trip to the mall, a walk, whatever it takes to separate you from your situation. I wish you comfort and happiness in your future.

((((hugz)))))

~Def
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Old 05-04-2004, 05:25 AM
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Lizzy Babe,
I hear you on the "overwhelming" thing. First you don't think you have any problems at all. Then you find out that yes indeed you do have some things to work on. THEN...you start realizing what role your family of origin played in all of it. It can be very overwhelming. That's when I have to start taking things in doable doses.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 05-04-2004, 05:29 AM
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Re: Overload...

Lizzy,

Hugs hugs and and a shoulder. You are at a turning point. I don't blame my parents but knowing what the reality is has helped. It takes a long time to get there and if it hurts to much take a step back. You have begun a life long journey and you will be led down the path by the best...your HP.

When I first saw my part it was one of the most devastating times in my life...take it easy and know we have been where you are.

((Hugs))
JT
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Old 05-04-2004, 07:10 AM
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Re: Overload...

Thanks everyone...and you're all right, I have a tendency to get way ahead of myself sometimes. I seem to have patience for everyone but myself. For some reason, I stumble through life, with the feeling that I'm running out of time...

I was reading on another thread, characteristics of children of A's and I was floored by one in particular...I never finish what I start. I have around 6 books I'm halfway through reading, four half finished paintings (because I'm waiting for my "insperation" to return)...3 short stories, and one novel left completely in mid air. In fact...the novel, I'm ready to ditch completely because I know longer even like the characters...

Even my friendships and relationships in life, are always left unresolved. I stick around, like the good girl, loyal to the end, until I can't take anymore (literally) and then "poof"...I walk away, disappear, and never look back...not for one second. If you need me, I'm there. If I think for one second, that I'm on the verge of being tossed to the side...you can bet, that I'll beat you to it...

I even gave up on therapy...years ago, it all came to an abrupt end, the day my therapist tried to put his hand up my skirt. The rational part of me, knows that this is not the norm...and would be very unlikely to occur again. But the unrational part of me screams, no way...not going back there. It's not even the incident that upsets me...it's that for the first time in my life I had put my faith in someone's good intentions...and had proven myself right. And, unfortunately it left me with the sense that perhaps I do something to invite people to walk all over me, you know?

You might say..."Why don't you just get a female therapist?" But as funny as it seems, I have an even harder time trusting women, then men...even though it's always been men who have hurt me in the physical sense. I don't understand it, and have a hard time getting past it...I call, make an appointment...then cancel.

I guess there's just so much to it...and I understand that I can't fix everything in one day...but I have lived in denial for so long. It's clear, that without me even realizing it, my past has affected all my choices in life. I want to make healthier choices, so I don't pass any of these traits on to my son...
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Old 05-04-2004, 07:32 AM
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Re: Overload...

((((((Lizzy))))))

It took me years to understand why I only make appointments with female doctors. After being molested by my male eye doctor when I was 13 and denying to myself that it really happened, I no longer trust men docs either. So I can definitely relate to how you feel.

I was scared to death of going to therapy. But my first therapist was a wonderful, nuturing woman who was exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I found the courage to go to her. Believe me, I understand your fear, but you might want to give it another chance.

You have already begun making healthier choices. Just keep taking it one step at a time. You won't fix everything in a day, a month, or a year; it's a lifelong journey. Just pick one area to work on or pray to your HP for guidance and healing. Trust the process - it works.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 05-04-2004, 08:18 AM
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Re: Overload...

Your right JG, If I can make myself trust anything right now, I would love for it to be this process...and my HP, whom although I may not have always believed it, has never abandonded me...Love and hugs...
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Old 05-04-2004, 11:56 AM
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Re: Overload...

Hey Lizzy,
I know how you feel. I have been working on my 4th step since October. I have dug deep and came up with some things that shocked me, things I thought were settled, things I didn't even know were buried. My problems go back to my childhood. For me to really find peace, I had to go all the way back. My inventory has been picked up and put down a lot. I work on it, put it down, take a break, get out of the depression some of it has put me in, get support, and then pick it back up. It is amazing to me to see that from the beginning, I was taught lies, and I based my life on those lies. Digging deep and finding the truth about myself keeps me from repeating those disasterous dead end actions that kept me from serenity in my life. Where do you start? I suggest that you find a guideline that you are comfortable with (there are several different versions in alanon, as well as codependency. I am using Paths to Recovery). Another suggestion that helped me is to make sure you are working with someone. If I had done this alone, I would probably still be depressed and stuck. This kind of work is not easy or painless, but I have gotten a whole new perspective on my life and how I think about myself. Good luck Lizzy. Keep us posted on how it's going. Hugs, Magic
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Old 05-04-2004, 01:03 PM
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Re: Overload...

Thanks my sweet Magic, it's always good to see thoose beautiful blue eyes...I know for me it's going to have to be a matter of slowing down and taking things at my own pace. I always thought I should be able to solve my problems on my own. (and just look at what a wonderful job I've done )...

I think like facing any fear, I'm just going to have to force myself at first...to take the steps, that I know I should be taking. I had a really good convo with a friend of mine, who reminded me that I don't have to stick with the first therapist I meet. That maybe I might have to shop around a little, and do some research, before I can find someone that I'm comfortable with...now, if I can just follow through...Much love...
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Old 05-04-2004, 02:43 PM
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Re: Overload...

Originally Posted by LizzyB
I had a really good convo with a friend of mine, who reminded me that I don't have to stick with the first therapist I meet. That maybe I might have to shop around a little, and do some research, before I can find someone that I'm comfortable with...
So, after my first therapist abandoned me (ok, she didn't abandon me, she had to leave the area for health reasons but it wasn't easy for me to let go of her), I waited 6 months and then tried another one. This one didn't have a background in addiction and basically just kept saying stuff she thought I wanted to hear. It was horrible, but it was actually the push I needed to grieve for my first therapist. I felt guilty about not going back to her (damn codependency ), but I wasn't comfortable and knew she wouldn't be able to help me. A friend recommended someone else to me and she's wonderful.

Don't be afraid to follow through and don't stick with anyone you don't feel comfortable with.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 05-05-2004, 08:24 AM
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Re: Overload...

Oh JG...I feel you babes...when my therapist (my hairdresser) moved to Toronto...I knew I was in trouble! ...I mean who the hell was going to be able to perfect natural looking highlights and solve all my troubles in one afternoon...the way he did? I even made the 5 hour trips to see him, when I could...sigh. But, then he moved to Europe (do you think he was trying to get away from me? ) and I knew it was over...

Ok, seriously though...I can see how difficult that must have been for you. I so appreciate your love and support...and I promise...I am going to make some calls and find someone who's just perfect for ME. This going it alone thing hasn't been working out as well as I'd originally hoped...hmmmm...anyways, thanks JG...Much love...
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Old 05-09-2004, 09:12 PM
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Re: Overload...

Hiya Lizzy,
Yep, we meet again!
Seriously, when I found this site for ACOA, I was amazed, because I never felt I had a problem. (Well, I guess I did have a problem with being a Codie, but I wanted to know where that came from.)
So, I have felt "discombobbled" since beginning over here.
What I did was find a fantastic book.
It's called "Adult children of Alcoholic" by Janet Geringer Woititz
This book is better than chocolate! Well, not quite, (I fibbed) but almost! It discusses remedies to fix the problems us ACOA's encounter. I found it interesting, informative, and something I can totally relate to!

My problem is: Do I start with ACOA? Or work on my codependency? Or work on my nar-anon? See what I mean about the discombobbled"?

I'm beginning to put it all together though, although not as neatly as I would like.

Hugs to you.............
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Old 05-09-2004, 11:05 PM
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Diane,
"Discombobbled"...great word. I can relate.
I don't think it matters where you start, just that you find a beginning.
From there, it's just another step in the right direction.
Peace,
Gabe
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