Long nights.
Hi all. I'll thank you ahead of time for taking the time to read this.
I haven't had a drink since Feb. 2 of this year. Over the course of a couple weeks, the thought of drinking just...went away. For me--not drinking has been not a lot more than simply not doing it.
I know that some of you struggle with this terribly, and that every day is a very real battle for your lives. Please do not think I am being smug or over simplifying my sobriety. It is just how it goes for me.
My problem is at night. Sleeping. The first few weeks of sobriety were great. I think I was so mentally exhausted from the inner dialogue I carried on with myself, coupled with the fact my body was so toxic and ready to give in--that I just tipped over.
I certainly experienced the trembling, night sweats, and brutal insomnia that a lot associate with the detox process. But that lasted perhaps four or five days.
My trouble now is falling asleep again. Once I do--I am out until morning. But at times I can lay wide awake, at best until 2AM. (I often get in bed around 11PM-Midnight). At worst, it has been 5AM.
I lay awake and listen to my girlfriend and my dog sleeping soundly. Every ache and pain in my body--in the dark--I somehow convince myself it's cancer, or any other fatal disease. During the day, I am fine--function normally, do not obsess over soreness, "weird" feelings I feel in my body, that I am sure are quite normal. It is only at night.
I feel like a little kid with "living" night terrors. I think I am actually scared to fall asleep.
Looking back on my drunkeness...I can certainly see why drinking was on my daily to-do list. I passed out. I drank until I was full, and my brain and body were poisoned enough to need to fall over and "sleep".
I've tried OTC sleeping aids--failure--and I'm not wild about medications anyway--I've done quite enough damage to my liver on my own--recklessly.
Has anyone else struggled with/experienced this?
I have no desire to drink for the sake of drinking...I'm seriously contemplating it for the fact that I wouldn't have to think about falling asleep.
I won't drink. It is just my thoughts as they come out.
Thanks again. SR is so full of thoughtful, caring, and brilliant people.
Best.