Hi VenusinLibra
I am all too familiar with some the feelings you have -- it is very bittersweet. I do remember the good times way easier than the bad times. My AH just left 3 weeks ago -- we have been together for 27 years. I still say that 90% of our relationship was wonderful -- best friends, spent a lot of time together, enjoyed each other, have two beautiful daughters, he's handsome, has a great job (he's an electrician) a nice house etc. It was the 10% that would erase all of that. It took me many years to reach my own bottom.
My biggest fear was being alone -- all by myself -- I have to say that's what really kept me stuck the most. But I have discovered I'm only alone as much as I want to be. I have great friends, coworkers, daughters who live with me. And there are times I truly enjoy being alone -- my thoughts are clearer, I'm healthier (walking my pooches, yoga, eating better, reading trash and non trash!). I actually like my company. Sure, I get lonely. But even if the most perfect man in the world walked into my life right this minute, I'm not ready. I'm sick myself and have to work through that. It's amazing how much time I have now to concentrate on me when I am not spending every waking moment worrying and babysitting a grown man.
Yes, I'm certainly familiar with these feelings. For me, I was sooo sick of the way he treated me, that I was numb to the loving feelings, so I didn't have so much pain. But I had sadness for myself and anger at myself for letting him treat me so badly. What were we thinking putting up with this?
I got past wanting to go back by playing the tape all the way through when tempted to call him. You get that urge for a little company, play the whole thing out in your mind...you call, he comes over, you sleep together, he won't leave in the morning, you are now back together, he drinks, or uses, and spends up both your money, and treats you badly...etc....all over again. Ugh. Does that help at all?
I love this whole post from kj -- thank you...............playing the tape all the way through has helped me get over missing him. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
take care of you
Laurie