Need Help - He Finally Moved Out

Old 03-11-2009, 12:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Need Help - He Finally Moved Out

I finally broke up with my ex ABF and he has moved out. We have been living together for over 3 years and he has been sober for almost 3.

I have mixed feelings of sadness, regret, and relief. As I reflect on the past, I look at moments of our time together, and I think "what was I thinking." It makes me sad that he treated me so unkind and even sadder to think I put up with it.

Still I love him but I will let him go. It wasn't all bad, but I know that I deserve to be treated much better.

How did you get past feeling blue, not running back, and feeling good about your decisions. Just needs some words of encouragement.
venusinlibra is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 12:21 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Be patient with yourself. You are grieving a loss. That takes time and sometimes hard work. You will get to where you want to be. {hugs}
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 08:45 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
kj3880's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Originally Posted by venusinlibra View Post
I have mixed feelings of sadness, regret, and relief. As I reflect on the past, I look at moments of our time together, and I think "what was I thinking." It makes me sad that he treated me so unkind and even sadder to think I put up with it. Still I love him but I will let him go. It wasn't all bad, but I know that I deserve to be treated much better. How did you get past feeling blue, not running back, and feeling good about your decisions.
Yes, I'm certainly familiar with these feelings. For me, I was sooo sick of the way he treated me, that I was numb to the loving feelings, so I didn't have so much pain. But I had sadness for myself and anger at myself for letting him treat me so badly. What were we thinking putting up with this?

I got past wanting to go back by playing the tape all the way through when tempted to call him. You get that urge for a little company, play the whole thing out in your mind...you call, he comes over, you sleep together, he won't leave in the morning, you are now back together, he drinks, or uses, and spends up both your money, and treats you badly...etc....all over again. Ugh. Does that help at all?

KJ
kj3880 is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 08:56 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
I still have a lot of mixed emotions about a relationship that has been dead for a long time. She was very special to me. She still is in some small ways. Even when I hated her, I loved her. I've been trying to convince myself to be willing to let go and forgive her. It's not an easy thing to do. Letting go is harder than holding on.

I'm sorry you're going through this. *hugs*
Midas is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 09:03 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Venus,

He mistreated you terribly, and while I celebrate your freedom from him, I am sorry you're feeling such pain.

BUT: It is as Barbara said. This is a fresh wound. Time will help heal this if you can focus full-time now on the things that bring you joy instead. It helped me to focus on the reasons why I was here: what am I here to do? What are my gifts, and who else could benefit from them? You are a whole and lovely human being with a job to do here..... Give yourself permission to heal. There is no particular honor in hanging on to sadness.

And be patient with yourself. You have come a long way, and you have broken a lot of bad habits recently. Give yourself some time.

:ghug
GiveLove is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 09:36 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
In a Tailspin's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Not only are we neighbors, I think we're sharing the same boat, girlie!!

My xabf and I broke up 3 weeks ago. He won't be "officially" out of my house until 3/30, but he's staying at a friend's house out of town until then, so as of about 8 hours ago it's me and the dog and whatever we want to do........

We were together for 3 years, living together a little more than 2 of those. The problem of his drug use was present in our relationship at some level or another from 6 months in. But on some level, he was my best friend and my biggest fan........until he was my worst enemy and biggest frustration. Funny how it's so much easier to remember the good times now that it's over. But I am forcing myself to remember the bad too. No rose-colored glasses here. Yeah, the 15 months (and counting) that he's been unemployed of the 26 months we lived together. Excuse me, I clearly remember telling you that I wouldn't support you. So shame on you for expecting it.........and even more shame on me for not kicking your a$$ to the curb long ago.

But I have a plan.........we'll see how it works - - but don't we codies *always* have a plan?!? I work 7 days on call, which I am in the middle of now, followed by 7 days off call........and round and round. So I am happy to use work to keep me busy for the next several days. Then I plan to make plans. Lots of plans. Plans outside of the house (meeting up with friends, alanon meetings, taking the dog to the off-leash park.........) as well as plans inside the house. See, I have been too frustrated with him and depressed in general to clean up much around the house lately......especially because I refused to come home from work just to clean up after his couch-surfing all day. I am fully planning on washing that man right out of my house. Who needs spring cleaning when I can do newly-single cleaning? And the best part is, when I leave a clean house - - I'm now guaranteed to come home to a clean house!! I'm making of a list of all the tasks and chores I've wanted to accomplish but have been too bogged down with all his BS to tackle. I will do at least one thing every day - - and funny how once I make myself do one thing, suddenly I *want* to do more.

So that's my plan. I'll let ya know how it works out...........hope you can find a plan that works for you, too!!
In a Tailspin is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 09:49 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Theresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
This is such a difficult time for you, I am sending you hugs and one suggestion.

I picked ONE thing I did that was a symptom of my hanging on (e.g., checking my email, accepting a date with him, or driving past a place where I knew he would park his car) and told myself that I could not do that one thing, just that one thing. Even if it meant changing my schedule or not checking my email for a certain number of days or pretending I had plans for the evening. Doing this one thing gave me a little space, and soon the space got a little larger, and I could breathe again.
Theresa is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 10:31 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Yes it's hard. I feel used, he was so mean sometimes, even after he was sober. I supported him for almost 3 years. All he could say to me is "no one forced you to." Not thanks for helping me out, getting me in rehab, etc.

He has said some of the most awful things in the world to me. He's become like a cancer on my soul that I want to get rid of. It still hurts, I keep busy, and I want to move on. I have moved on, the memories take a little bit longer.

I'm hoping God will bring someone in my life who is ready to be in love and treat me well.
venusinlibra is offline  
Old 03-11-2009, 10:46 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: It's a Dry Heat, AZ.
Posts: 438
Originally Posted by venusinlibra View Post
Yes it's hard. I have moved on, the memories take a little bit longer.

I'm hoping God will bring someone in my life who is ready to be in love and treat me well.
:ghug3
My sentiments exactly. The memories will always be there. I think that's why I drank so heavily sometimes. Just to forget. I nearly drank myself into an early grave. Now I'm six years sober and struggle with loneliness. Meetings help me deal with the loneliness to some degree. I want someone in my life SO BAD, but at the same time, I really like being by myself. It doesn't make sense.
Midas is offline  
Old 03-12-2009, 10:13 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
kj3880's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Originally Posted by venusinlibra View Post
I'm hoping God will bring someone in my life who is ready to be in love and treat me well.
I'm praying that God will just be with you and bring YOU into your life to love YOURSELF and treat YOURSELF well. Not someone else. Not until you learn to love and treat yourself well. Our pickers are broken right now. That's obvious by who we let into our lives and how we let them treat us. So we need to take this time to mend, to find out who we really are and what we really want and deserve before we get back into another disfunctional relationship. I'm asking you to think about giving yourself this time alone.

Love,
KJ:ghug3
kj3880 is offline  
Old 03-12-2009, 10:20 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Yes, I'm learning to love myself day by day. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I ever did. Everytime I feel weak, I remind myself what has happened in the past, and after 3 years if it hasn't changed, it never will. Thanks so much for the support.
venusinlibra is offline  
Old 03-12-2009, 07:49 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Theresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
Kj: I share your thoughts exactly. Venus, God did bring that person into your life, and it is you. The beauty of this is that you will never hurt yourself or be mean and hateful to yourself--once you realize that you are the person God sent to bring you the love and care that you deserve.

Take care of the special person that you are.
Theresa is offline  
Old 03-12-2009, 07:56 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Theresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
I just thought of something I want to add.

Tonight I realized, again, how softly God speaks when he talks to me: I can hardly "hear" what he is trying to tell me. It is only when I let go of my resentment and resistance to something that is happening to me that I realize how this thing that is happening is God's way of pointing me into a new direction, a direction I am hesitant to take on my own.

Once I let go, and rest for bit, I can almost "hear" God smile [I can't quite imagine him laughing]--but I have to laugh.

I wish for you to "hear" that smile and to laugh as you move into a new phase of your wonderful life.
Theresa is offline  
Old 03-13-2009, 09:50 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
"Taking the risk to blossom"
 
timetogo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi VenusinLibra

I am all too familiar with some the feelings you have -- it is very bittersweet. I do remember the good times way easier than the bad times. My AH just left 3 weeks ago -- we have been together for 27 years. I still say that 90% of our relationship was wonderful -- best friends, spent a lot of time together, enjoyed each other, have two beautiful daughters, he's handsome, has a great job (he's an electrician) a nice house etc. It was the 10% that would erase all of that. It took me many years to reach my own bottom.

My biggest fear was being alone -- all by myself -- I have to say that's what really kept me stuck the most. But I have discovered I'm only alone as much as I want to be. I have great friends, coworkers, daughters who live with me. And there are times I truly enjoy being alone -- my thoughts are clearer, I'm healthier (walking my pooches, yoga, eating better, reading trash and non trash!). I actually like my company. Sure, I get lonely. But even if the most perfect man in the world walked into my life right this minute, I'm not ready. I'm sick myself and have to work through that. It's amazing how much time I have now to concentrate on me when I am not spending every waking moment worrying and babysitting a grown man.


Yes, I'm certainly familiar with these feelings. For me, I was sooo sick of the way he treated me, that I was numb to the loving feelings, so I didn't have so much pain. But I had sadness for myself and anger at myself for letting him treat me so badly. What were we thinking putting up with this?

I got past wanting to go back by playing the tape all the way through when tempted to call him. You get that urge for a little company, play the whole thing out in your mind...you call, he comes over, you sleep together, he won't leave in the morning, you are now back together, he drinks, or uses, and spends up both your money, and treats you badly...etc....all over again. Ugh. Does that help at all?

I love this whole post from kj -- thank you...............playing the tape all the way through has helped me get over missing him. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

take care of you
Laurie
timetogo is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:48 PM.