I love this passage. I have struggled with this concept since my first Alanon meeting and hearing the steps. I read it the moment Ann posted it. I thought how appropriate, it has replaced the struggles with my AW as the biggest struggle in my life.
What do you think happened when I went to Church and it was the topic of the sermon? How about later when it became the focus of our small reset study group? Way to coincidental for me. My Higher Power is still trying to tell me something. I can't figure it out.
What you have to realize is that for me. I had drifted away from faith during my marriage. I'll never know why she turned to drugs. I'll never understand why she lied to me about everything. I'll never know what I shared with her was real and what was a lie. I have focused on that for the last 2 months. I reached a point of insanity searching through my past trying to find a way to deal with my present, to save the step kids from realizations about their mother, to bring their mother back, to bring back her mother's daughter. I thought I could. I have been able to achieve anything in my life I every put my mind to and my will behind. In a fetal ball laying in a pool of tears, one week and one day ago, I admitted to my HP that I could not do it. He did for me what I could not do for myself. He pushed me out the door to church. Made new friends and showed me the path to one of my neighbors, with about a 24 mile detour. Gave me a hug from one of my daughters friends. Then he made me work step 12 and give back through service to speak to a mirror image of myself 3 months ago in an Alanon meeting Monday night because the topic was humility and reaching that point to realize you have to let go. I never imagined I would live a miracle, to feel first hand his grace touch my life. I have no doubt that there is a plan for my life.
My struggle is the balance my self will plays in living my life versus his will for me. I can't tell the difference. I look at the self will my AW has imposed, and I realize 12 lives were immediately and profoundly thrown into chaos. Most have not found their way back to an ordered existence yet. I have no faith that I can tell the difference until after I act and see what happens. Was it a smooth effortless event that produced a positive result? Am I currently sane enough to even realize what a positive result is? I wish meditation helped. I am now able to stay clear and calm for a period of time, but I feel no connection to my HP. cece - you talk about slowly listening to God's direction. I don't hear it. I don't have the faith to take that first step in the dark not knowing if it is in the right direction or not. Isn't that what really paralyzes us? What if I am doing the wrong thing. You have to have the faith and then it is effortless. I am so confused and strain so hard now, I can't believe any decision I make is God's will even after he has shown me benefits of some of my actions. I just took longer to say the same thing imallright said.