SugarScars

Hi, everyone,

Being older and a little wiser than i was when i first came to na in my very early twenties, i don't anticipate being completely healed and recovered over-night. even so, i've been going to meetings for almost 2 months now, and i'm having a hard time locating someone who i want to be my sponsor.

for whatever reason, my old sponsor from my early twenties is not available to help me this time. that's okay. I'm okay with that - even if a bit wary. Still, it's not important that everyone love me at all times. Not today.

so, i want to find a new sponsor. i've been reading NA literature everyday, and going to meetings every chance I get, making friends in the fellowship to guide me through the darkest and most lonely times. Even so, i crave the steps. I am so ready for them this time. Last time, I couldn't figure out why they even mattered, why I even needed them in my life. Now, I know. I CAN FEEL IT! The emptiness inside without something to fill it up.

but I don't want to do a rush job of finding a sponsor. I want it to be someone who truly does believe in me. I think it takes time to believe in someone. Especially someone like me, who's maybe hurt people in the fellowship before by leaving without warning. I need to keep coming back for awhile, i think, before anyone will be willing to "endorse" me and guide me through the steps.

Still, i CRAVE step work. Would it be okay for me to start working them on my own? Then, when that fateful day arrives and god presents my Sponsor to me, we can read over my old answers, and my sponsor can decide where I'm at in my head - if I need to keep moving forward, or back-track a bit, or completely start over.

What do you think? I don't want to mess up this process, but I DO want to start working on myself. I've even bought a brand-new journal for this process, a journal just for Recovery-related work.

Thanks!