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Working steps without a sponsor?

Old 03-04-2009, 11:04 AM
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Working steps without a sponsor?

Hi, everyone,

Being older and a little wiser than i was when i first came to na in my very early twenties, i don't anticipate being completely healed and recovered over-night. even so, i've been going to meetings for almost 2 months now, and i'm having a hard time locating someone who i want to be my sponsor.

for whatever reason, my old sponsor from my early twenties is not available to help me this time. that's okay. I'm okay with that - even if a bit wary. Still, it's not important that everyone love me at all times. Not today.

so, i want to find a new sponsor. i've been reading NA literature everyday, and going to meetings every chance I get, making friends in the fellowship to guide me through the darkest and most lonely times. Even so, i crave the steps. I am so ready for them this time. Last time, I couldn't figure out why they even mattered, why I even needed them in my life. Now, I know. I CAN FEEL IT! The emptiness inside without something to fill it up.

but I don't want to do a rush job of finding a sponsor. I want it to be someone who truly does believe in me. I think it takes time to believe in someone. Especially someone like me, who's maybe hurt people in the fellowship before by leaving without warning. I need to keep coming back for awhile, i think, before anyone will be willing to "endorse" me and guide me through the steps.

Still, i CRAVE step work. Would it be okay for me to start working them on my own? Then, when that fateful day arrives and god presents my Sponsor to me, we can read over my old answers, and my sponsor can decide where I'm at in my head - if I need to keep moving forward, or back-track a bit, or completely start over.

What do you think? I don't want to mess up this process, but I DO want to start working on myself. I've even bought a brand-new journal for this process, a journal just for Recovery-related work.

Thanks!
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Old 03-04-2009, 11:11 AM
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Hi Sugar!

I think that you could start to work the steps 1 & 2 and then turn these over to a sponsor but I do think it is important to find someone to work with.
I am not sure about your feeling s on a hp, but have you prayed about it?
I ask because I prayed for my hp to put the right woman in my life and boy, have I been blessed with a perfect sponsor!

Make sure you are getting to some women's meetings and share about your desires. If you want this thing, you do not need to wait to "prove" yourself. IMO.
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Old 03-04-2009, 11:48 AM
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I'm not that much into AA these days, so I don't know if that 'sponsor' thing is a hard and fast rule. I don't see why you couldn't do the steps on your own. I have no desire to work the steps, but wouldn't let lack of a sponsor stop me if I did.
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Old 03-04-2009, 11:52 AM
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Thriving sober since 12/18/08
 
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I don't know much about AA or the steps, but I would imagine it couldn't hurt.. right?
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by keepcominback View Post
Big shotism
I am going to have to steal that one!

Awesome post KeepComingBack. And on the other hand: sorry to hear that happened to you.
Sucks when it happens on any level at life, worst when you are in desperate need for help.

Keep building up yourself strong!

Hope things are working out own your own.
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Old 03-13-2009, 11:19 AM
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Thanks for sharing this, Keepcominback. I agree with your sponsor in that AA and NA involve many people who are struggling with personal issues (not a single person comes to AA/NA for fun!), and that oftentimes these issues can spill out onto others. It's an unfortunate reality of our condition.

I'm sorry that you've dealt with so many ugly things in your particular Fellowship. The worst of the worst of AA and NA lies within the very things you mentioned. AA is a beautiful thing, but in the hands of insane people, it is an instrument of torture.

I'm terrified of a breach in my confidentiality and anonymity, and know that it's only a matter of time before my employer hears the rumors. Oh, well, all I know is that I can fight it tooth and nail, if need be. That's defamation, without proof!

I find all of the folks in NA to have serious problems that are sometimes overcome with a lot of praying, meditating, serenity, wisdom, courage and self-awareness. Still, everyone relapses into old patterns of thinking occasionally.

I deal with a lot of jealousy from other members (I kept my career, in spite of my addiction and some folks aren't too happy about that; I have a boyfriend who adores me (though I have no idea WHY!), and people are pretty annoyed about that, too. I also have good friends outside of the Fellowship who are successful and NOT addicts (the two are not mutually exclusive, of course)).

Besides petty jealousy, there's the Sponsor issue. I'm looking for a new one, and am dismayed that no one's approached me to ask about sponsoring me, despite the fact that I put out a signal. I'll speak up again at another meeting and put out ANOTHER signal. Surely, someone will come forward.

I may have to be sponsorless for awhile ... as in, a year-while.

Thanks to all! xo
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Old 03-13-2009, 11:43 AM
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Sugar,

I think you are doing a good job. Congratulations on getting clean!

I sponsor a woman who is in jail. We correspond via mail and I ask her to read stuff and write back to me. I know that her process is just as deeply invested and true as mine. Just because it's not face 2 face doesn't diminish it.

If you are reading and writing your responses to the steps, seeking deeper understanding for yourself, that can ONLY be a good thing. There is no negative there.

I would try to stay present to what you are doing and try not to get ahead of yourself. Just keep reading and journaling. Keep going to meetings. Keep looking for that person that you know you can trust and who has some real time built up. And then when you find her, cross the bridge about where you are step-wise at that point.

Hang in there! You're doing a good job!
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Old 03-19-2009, 11:22 AM
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Thank you so much, Mle-Sober! It helps to get encouragement. I'll try not to be so all-or-nothing about it. You are right. Thanks for taking the time to support my Recovery.

Crazy addict thinking! I guess it's only normal ... for an addict.

*THANK YOU*
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Old 03-19-2009, 11:57 AM
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I feel your sponsor will come. Just last night I went to only my third meeting and through one of the older gentlemen was introduced to a guy not much older than I am. He was approached me about him being my sponsor and I think I am going to give it a try. I figure I could always find another one if need be, but it seems like godsend to have someone come up to me instead of me go up to them. I think going up to someone, at least for me, would be the toughest part of finding a sponsor.

I ended up calling him last night and plan on working the steps with him and see how it goes. If all goes well then it was like a god sent miracle for him to approach me.
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Old 03-19-2009, 12:15 PM
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I also don't know anything about NA but I've worked the AA steps for the past 18 months on my own and it's worked for me. I've always been a very solitary person so I just couldn't get into the whole sponser thing and when I was going to AA often in the beginning and I would say "I will never drink again" I was told by my temporary sponsor not to say that to just "take one day at a time" and I didn't like being told what to think. So obviously I think it absolutely OK to work the steps on your own.
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Old 03-25-2009, 08:26 AM
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Hi, Future and Jam. Thanks for adding your thoughts to this topic.

Future, you are very lucky indeed! In my Fellowship, no one will approach you to sponsor you. It just doesn't happen. I HAVE to approach someone and ask them. I think I've identified a person. I plan to ask them very soon, unless something else comes up.

Good luck with your new sponsor - I hope that this works out for you!

Jam, thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I can understand being irritated by the "thought mandates". I used to feel the same way. Now, I've been brainwashed and I'm hopelessly addicted to NA. But at least I'm not in denial about it.

Thank you all!
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Old 03-25-2009, 09:11 AM
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Hi Sugar!

Well, your post resonated with me in a number of ways. When I first joined AA about 4 years ago, I was told to get a sponsor, so I just asked someone I had seen and heard at a few meetings. Over the years, I have "Tailored" my meetings to the ones that work best for me, and unfortunately, they are not the ones she goes to. I have close friends in my "new" groups and plan to seek a sponsor from one of those. My "old" sponsor and I do not have what I envision to be what this relationship is supposed to be like. I call her every day (something she insisted on at the beginning), but it can be months between face to face meetings. I am loathe to tell her I think I need someone new (people pleaser that I am), but I think that this course is what's best for me.

Also, I am away for the winter and so not attending any of "my groups". While here, I have been working on the Steps with Stephanie Covington's text and workbook and have gotten an IMMENSE amount out of them. They are designed specifically for women. Would I have gotten more if I had done it with someone? Probably. But something is better than nothing and I have no problem, once home, doing them again. So my vote is to do it yourself, if you have no other option, with the thought that you can do them again with a guide if need be.

One other thought...there are "step study" groups here on SR. I've never looked at the threads, but perhaps this is another alternative.

Excellent job on tackling these issues! Sounds like you have the "willingness" down pat
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