My AH stayed home from work today to continue his latest project - power washing our deck. I left my basement couch around 6 am - just as I did yesterday - and forced myself to go up to our bed in order to let him snuggle with me. I'm making the best effort I can to put my feelings of hurt behind me, and keep in mind I have to do my best and have a sense of peace regardless of his behavior.
I can now see a pattern where he gets up, then comes back to bed. He's starting his morning sneaking a few drinks, then when he comes back to bed he hits me with a zinger like, "Why is it all women b**ch and complain?" or the one I got this morning: "I think you're just tolerating me in a polite way because you have nowhere else to go and you're just hanging around because it's better than what you'd have on your own." Ya know, he has a point there. Yes, I am JUST hanging around because I'm swallowing a big heap of crap from a drunk. On the other hand, I'm honoring my marriage vows that just happened to mention, "for better or for worse."
Basically, I think the only thing that is really bugging my AH is the lack of sex. I don't mean to say he's superficial, but he really does avoid looking inside himself and he doesn't take responsibility for his crummy behavior (sound familiar????). Based on that premise, I believe if I just gave into him a few times a week, he'd quit this crazy boozing to some degree - at least he'd quit being nasty to me.
Still, it hurts when he says things that are motivated out of some sort of need to get back at me. I let most of it roll off my back today - he doesn't remember what he says anyway, and I have the feeling if I gave into his demands for sex, he'd just move onto something else to criticize about me.
In all honesty, I don't think my husband really loves me. How can he? After all, he's out of it most of the time we're together. In fact, I left the house for almost FOUR hours today (doctor's appt., errands, etc.) and when I got home he asked me if I'd left to do my "things" yet - this after he watched me drive off down the street earlier in the day!!!
My God - the man doesn't even remember if I'm with him or gone so how could he even remotely have any feelings of love. Although I must confess, some sort of screwed-up thoughts must be running through his booze-boggled brain.
I just kept my cool and let it go. But it's still sad and hurts to let "it" (as in HIM) go ....
