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Detaching, but still hurting

Old 04-28-2004, 09:32 PM
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Detaching, but still hurting

My AH stayed home from work today to continue his latest project - power washing our deck. I left my basement couch around 6 am - just as I did yesterday - and forced myself to go up to our bed in order to let him snuggle with me. I'm making the best effort I can to put my feelings of hurt behind me, and keep in mind I have to do my best and have a sense of peace regardless of his behavior.

I can now see a pattern where he gets up, then comes back to bed. He's starting his morning sneaking a few drinks, then when he comes back to bed he hits me with a zinger like, "Why is it all women b**ch and complain?" or the one I got this morning: "I think you're just tolerating me in a polite way because you have nowhere else to go and you're just hanging around because it's better than what you'd have on your own." Ya know, he has a point there. Yes, I am JUST hanging around because I'm swallowing a big heap of crap from a drunk. On the other hand, I'm honoring my marriage vows that just happened to mention, "for better or for worse."

Basically, I think the only thing that is really bugging my AH is the lack of sex. I don't mean to say he's superficial, but he really does avoid looking inside himself and he doesn't take responsibility for his crummy behavior (sound familiar????). Based on that premise, I believe if I just gave into him a few times a week, he'd quit this crazy boozing to some degree - at least he'd quit being nasty to me.

Still, it hurts when he says things that are motivated out of some sort of need to get back at me. I let most of it roll off my back today - he doesn't remember what he says anyway, and I have the feeling if I gave into his demands for sex, he'd just move onto something else to criticize about me.

In all honesty, I don't think my husband really loves me. How can he? After all, he's out of it most of the time we're together. In fact, I left the house for almost FOUR hours today (doctor's appt., errands, etc.) and when I got home he asked me if I'd left to do my "things" yet - this after he watched me drive off down the street earlier in the day!!!

My God - the man doesn't even remember if I'm with him or gone so how could he even remotely have any feelings of love. Although I must confess, some sort of screwed-up thoughts must be running through his booze-boggled brain.

I just kept my cool and let it go. But it's still sad and hurts to let "it" (as in HIM) go ....
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Old 04-28-2004, 10:38 PM
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Re: Detaching, but still hurting

Originally Posted by prodigal
My AH stayed home from work today to continue his latest project - power washing our deck. I left my basement couch around 6 am - just as I did yesterday - and forced myself to go up to our bed in order to let him snuggle with me. I'm making the best effort I can to put my feelings of hurt behind me, and keep in mind I have to do my best and have a sense of peace regardless of his behavior.

I can now see a pattern where he gets up, then comes back to bed. He's starting his morning sneaking a few drinks, then when he comes back to bed he hits me with a zinger like, "Why is it all women b**ch and complain?" or the one I got this morning: "I think you're just tolerating me in a polite way because you have nowhere else to go and you're just hanging around because it's better than what you'd have on your own." Ya know, he has a point there. Yes, I am JUST hanging around because I'm swallowing a big heap of crap from a drunk. On the other hand, I'm honoring my marriage vows that just happened to mention, "for better or for worse."

Basically, I think the only thing that is really bugging my AH is the lack of sex. I don't mean to say he's superficial, but he really does avoid looking inside himself and he doesn't take responsibility for his crummy behavior (sound familiar????). Based on that premise, I believe if I just gave into him a few times a week, he'd quit this crazy boozing to some degree - at least he'd quit being nasty to me.

Still, it hurts when he says things that are motivated out of some sort of need to get back at me. I let most of it roll off my back today - he doesn't remember what he says anyway, and I have the feeling if I gave into his demands for sex, he'd just move onto something else to criticize about me.

In all honesty, I don't think my husband really loves me. How can he? After all, he's out of it most of the time we're together. In fact, I left the house for almost FOUR hours today (doctor's appt., errands, etc.) and when I got home he asked me if I'd left to do my "things" yet - this after he watched me drive off down the street earlier in the day!!!

My God - the man doesn't even remember if I'm with him or gone so how could he even remotely have any feelings of love. Although I must confess, some sort of screwed-up thoughts must be running through his booze-boggled brain.

I just kept my cool and let it go. But it's still sad and hurts to let "it" (as in HIM) go ....
OUCH! as I read that. That was me even without the drinking. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Doesn't matter. What was the end result?... I found out what was wrong. I was selfcentered and selfish. When I was in my drinking days, at least I wasn't so self centered. My wife tried as you are trying to "fix" what was broken. Through all her efforts, she couldn't fix me. I needed fix me. I needed to find out I was my own worse problem. Selfishness caused the nastyness and the ball grew bigger (problem ball)
What your actions of kindness would do is leave the door open for the day he finds a cure for self. For me the cure came from reading God's word and with the reading and God's touch in my life, I figured out what real love is. I know the pain I caused as I look back. At the time I was blind to a point of the pain I was causing. You are getting hit with outward signs of a inward battle. Yes it hurts but still try your best to understand it is the illness.
The commitment to your marriage... the old me would say run, the new me is proof that things can change. A prayer for strength for you and a touch of healing and conviction for your AH.
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Old 04-29-2004, 03:18 AM
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Re: Detaching, but still hurting

(((((((((((Prodigal)))))))))))),

I feel ya girl. You said something about if you give in and have sex maybe he would get sober. No matter what you do it is his responsibility to get clean. Nothing you do in and of itself is the key to his recovery. We codies try so hard to fix them. One of our hardest lessons to learn is that we can't fix them although everything in us is screaming to try and fix them.That is the meat of our addiction.
Detach some more, detach until you know way down deep that you can't control his drinking Lord knows if you could he would definately be sober now. So would my H and everybody elses H that post here. It is a hard pill to swallow Prod. His disease is trying to suck you in some more because he knows you aren't taking as much responsibility as you did before. I know you love him and so does he. Detach with love let him see that you have compassion but, don't let him put his stuff on you. The pain of his drinking might become real to him maybe it will even become greater than the pain he is trying to medicate if you can let him own his own stuff. It is hard.
If you make love because you feel sorry for him it will strip him of his dignaty. Make love if you want to if you feel like making love and for no other reason.
Take care-
Lisa
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Old 04-29-2004, 06:22 AM
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Re: Detaching, but still hurting

ATleast he can still make it work.....OK just a funny thing in a sad life... I have not had sex in over a year he can't make it work
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