I posted a while back about my possibly alcoholic bf, and now I know he is, or at least halfway there.. I told him that just be you, dont hold back on your drinking for me... oh lord I opened a flood gate, he is so wasted that in bed he has pushed me away saying dont touch me I have a girlfriend.. no!! You serious!! I had no clue..
Then he does the same thing again 2 minutes later.. That's rather wasted in my book, and this morning really took the price of it..
I had worked late and he let me crash at his place while he was out, I refuse to enable him by tagging along, he wants to be with me, he can choose..
He comes home 4.15 screaming on the phone, shut up shut up, I have a girlfriend and you should be glad I aint telling her about you, she'd punsh your face (which is kinda true I hate that stalker chick he has that is 21 and just a pita). I stand in the door when he comes in, and he tells her f u and throws the phone into the wall..
Then he hugs me and tells me about this girl, and I said I heard you is no worries, but he knows I have abandonment issues and am rather paranoid, so he feels he has to really reassure me, 1.5 hour later he had told me the story 37 something times, yes I counted, he hugged me, cuddled me, and was like: why are you with me? Im useless, stupid, broke (last one is true), you can get so much more from someone else (which is likely true as well too bad my heart likes this guy) and so on all the self pitty in the world.. I just listen and hold him to put him to sleep, and that was when he had a moment that he didnt realise it was me like 4 times in a row and tried to push me away prolly thinking I was the stalker chick.. at least I know he will be faithfull no matter how drunk he is, that's always comforting..
at 9.00 AM I was up and bouncing, he was sound asleep, I knocked over his phone, and it opened and I see a text in his outbox, stating: are you hitting on me?? and Im like :wtf2 so here my paranoia kicks in, the last 7 weeks I have been a good girl and not done any snooping but now it just kicked in (yes Im one of those and he knows about it, when he wanted to date me I told him everything flat out about me to discourage him he said I was so cute that he wouldnt care) so I figured here we go...
It was a girl, and her answer was: Do you want me to?? which really got me going, I could feel the panick creeping up on me, I started to get trouble breathing and I knew if I did not talk to him about it now Id build it up and either explode or run away in pure panic doing something hasty..
so I woke him up, and he was still wasted..
When I mentioned the name, he was: oh its all joke, and I was well how long have u known here? like a week before me it showed up and I know very well that then its not that inocent from the girls side, I know he likely is, he says that even to his male friends if they say something when he's drunk but I was still anxy... and he goes: hug me, Im quiet cause Im trying to control the fears that are about to grab me, he says again: hug me, and Im still quiet, he jmps up grabs the razor and twist it in two peices..
which freaks me out even further but I hug him and Im quiet..
I felt that that kinda decided it for me, it's over, one last talk and Im out of there..
so when he comes in after getting anew cell phone I put him down on the bed, and he can tell, he sees my face and he goes absolutely white in the face..
Here comes the kicker, when I bring up I feel he's borderline alcoholic and that he will be full blown in another 10-15 years he dont go angry, last time he got very angry with me, this time he's just quiet and nods.. he's notthe guy to be quiet.. He asked me why Im worrying about something 20 miles down the road when we have barely started the journey, and I told him: well if you know a snowstorm is coming your way, you might not take the trip at all.. he answers: if it is important enough you even walk it through, and I told him: yeah but I might find the same goal with an easier journey since its just in the start..
and I told him I felt he wasted a lot of potential, that the man he described I could get that it could be him, but he needed to shape up, but not only for me but for his sake..
He's rather picky with his women, they gotta have brains or he goes nuts, and as I told him: No sane woman will stick around long enough to see if it's worth it, he has 2 11 months long relationships behind him and he's 34.. which I pointed out for him, and I told him unless u find a woman who drinks like u, but then she wont be much of a mother to the farm of kids you want..
Then he mentioned that his friends drinks.. and I was the young ones, the ones in your age are maried, kids and all that, its their younger brothers you drink with now and they are 21-25 it's kinda expected of them to party, of a man your age, not so much..
and he was quiet, and pondering, not defensive, and not aggressive, he wasnt even angry over me snooping, and he promised to keep that girl short thank god, the reason why I do like him as I do, he's smart and very caring..
I think he has a lot of childhood issues, his father basically pushed him away, didnt like him, called him dumb and stupid and as soon as he's drunk he repeats his fathers words.. he has a lot of unlocked potential of which I reccognise cause so do I thanks to my parents, but I work acctively with my issues, he dont..
But I felt that maybe it was a small step today, jsut the fact that he didnt go angry and he agreed with some points.. grantd I know he's more likely to fall back deep again and again before we will get anywhere, but I need him to see it first and as I said I dont think he's more than knee deep yet. He can def be worth fighting for. If he choose to fight I will help him, even if we break up..
and tonight he promised me no drinking, then he added: unless I wanted us to go out......... looking at me hopeful, he so wanted me to enable him but I refuse.. Ill make sure to keep him busy in other ways..
I just wanted to say thank you for the support I was given last time I posted, it helps me keep a sober head in this and not just be romantic about it, it helps me keeping my feet on the ground so I can stand steady and do a wise choice.
I think the fact that I was about to leave him today kinda shook him, last night he told me how much he loved me, and he never wanted anyone else, and that he adores that when he has his morning farts that I giggle my ass off instead of sighing (he has worse gases than the dogs)..
So we will see, Ill give him some more time, I know relasiation will not just occur like that, and there will be more phases with denial, but Im prepared to work with him as long as I see him work on it..
After all I am enabling him to get his dream of big family with dog, house and a yard, which is something I keep painting for him to give him something to focus on. His friends are all married with kids and Im like: wouldnt it be nice to take the kids together on a guy night, and he smiles about that..
Time will tell but I think that the silent admittance he did earlier today is a tiny tiny step in the right direction..
any thoughts on this is very welcome, I appreciate them a lot!!!