I am still with him..

Old 02-28-2009, 03:18 PM
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I am still with him..

I posted a while back about my possibly alcoholic bf, and now I know he is, or at least halfway there.. I told him that just be you, dont hold back on your drinking for me... oh lord I opened a flood gate, he is so wasted that in bed he has pushed me away saying dont touch me I have a girlfriend.. no!! You serious!! I had no clue..

Then he does the same thing again 2 minutes later.. That's rather wasted in my book, and this morning really took the price of it..

I had worked late and he let me crash at his place while he was out, I refuse to enable him by tagging along, he wants to be with me, he can choose..

He comes home 4.15 screaming on the phone, shut up shut up, I have a girlfriend and you should be glad I aint telling her about you, she'd punsh your face (which is kinda true I hate that stalker chick he has that is 21 and just a pita). I stand in the door when he comes in, and he tells her f u and throws the phone into the wall..

Then he hugs me and tells me about this girl, and I said I heard you is no worries, but he knows I have abandonment issues and am rather paranoid, so he feels he has to really reassure me, 1.5 hour later he had told me the story 37 something times, yes I counted, he hugged me, cuddled me, and was like: why are you with me? Im useless, stupid, broke (last one is true), you can get so much more from someone else (which is likely true as well too bad my heart likes this guy) and so on all the self pitty in the world.. I just listen and hold him to put him to sleep, and that was when he had a moment that he didnt realise it was me like 4 times in a row and tried to push me away prolly thinking I was the stalker chick.. at least I know he will be faithfull no matter how drunk he is, that's always comforting..

at 9.00 AM I was up and bouncing, he was sound asleep, I knocked over his phone, and it opened and I see a text in his outbox, stating: are you hitting on me?? and Im like :wtf2 so here my paranoia kicks in, the last 7 weeks I have been a good girl and not done any snooping but now it just kicked in (yes Im one of those and he knows about it, when he wanted to date me I told him everything flat out about me to discourage him he said I was so cute that he wouldnt care) so I figured here we go...

It was a girl, and her answer was: Do you want me to?? which really got me going, I could feel the panick creeping up on me, I started to get trouble breathing and I knew if I did not talk to him about it now Id build it up and either explode or run away in pure panic doing something hasty..

so I woke him up, and he was still wasted..

When I mentioned the name, he was: oh its all joke, and I was well how long have u known here? like a week before me it showed up and I know very well that then its not that inocent from the girls side, I know he likely is, he says that even to his male friends if they say something when he's drunk but I was still anxy... and he goes: hug me, Im quiet cause Im trying to control the fears that are about to grab me, he says again: hug me, and Im still quiet, he jmps up grabs the razor and twist it in two peices..

which freaks me out even further but I hug him and Im quiet..

I felt that that kinda decided it for me, it's over, one last talk and Im out of there..

so when he comes in after getting anew cell phone I put him down on the bed, and he can tell, he sees my face and he goes absolutely white in the face..

Here comes the kicker, when I bring up I feel he's borderline alcoholic and that he will be full blown in another 10-15 years he dont go angry, last time he got very angry with me, this time he's just quiet and nods.. he's notthe guy to be quiet.. He asked me why Im worrying about something 20 miles down the road when we have barely started the journey, and I told him: well if you know a snowstorm is coming your way, you might not take the trip at all.. he answers: if it is important enough you even walk it through, and I told him: yeah but I might find the same goal with an easier journey since its just in the start..

and I told him I felt he wasted a lot of potential, that the man he described I could get that it could be him, but he needed to shape up, but not only for me but for his sake..

He's rather picky with his women, they gotta have brains or he goes nuts, and as I told him: No sane woman will stick around long enough to see if it's worth it, he has 2 11 months long relationships behind him and he's 34.. which I pointed out for him, and I told him unless u find a woman who drinks like u, but then she wont be much of a mother to the farm of kids you want..

Then he mentioned that his friends drinks.. and I was the young ones, the ones in your age are maried, kids and all that, its their younger brothers you drink with now and they are 21-25 it's kinda expected of them to party, of a man your age, not so much..

and he was quiet, and pondering, not defensive, and not aggressive, he wasnt even angry over me snooping, and he promised to keep that girl short thank god, the reason why I do like him as I do, he's smart and very caring..

I think he has a lot of childhood issues, his father basically pushed him away, didnt like him, called him dumb and stupid and as soon as he's drunk he repeats his fathers words.. he has a lot of unlocked potential of which I reccognise cause so do I thanks to my parents, but I work acctively with my issues, he dont..

But I felt that maybe it was a small step today, jsut the fact that he didnt go angry and he agreed with some points.. grantd I know he's more likely to fall back deep again and again before we will get anywhere, but I need him to see it first and as I said I dont think he's more than knee deep yet. He can def be worth fighting for. If he choose to fight I will help him, even if we break up..

and tonight he promised me no drinking, then he added: unless I wanted us to go out......... looking at me hopeful, he so wanted me to enable him but I refuse.. Ill make sure to keep him busy in other ways..

I just wanted to say thank you for the support I was given last time I posted, it helps me keep a sober head in this and not just be romantic about it, it helps me keeping my feet on the ground so I can stand steady and do a wise choice.

I think the fact that I was about to leave him today kinda shook him, last night he told me how much he loved me, and he never wanted anyone else, and that he adores that when he has his morning farts that I giggle my ass off instead of sighing (he has worse gases than the dogs)..

So we will see, Ill give him some more time, I know relasiation will not just occur like that, and there will be more phases with denial, but Im prepared to work with him as long as I see him work on it..

After all I am enabling him to get his dream of big family with dog, house and a yard, which is something I keep painting for him to give him something to focus on. His friends are all married with kids and Im like: wouldnt it be nice to take the kids together on a guy night, and he smiles about that..

Time will tell but I think that the silent admittance he did earlier today is a tiny tiny step in the right direction..

any thoughts on this is very welcome, I appreciate them a lot!!!
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Old 02-28-2009, 03:25 PM
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I wonder why you are so invested in do things for him that he can do for himself, why you put his needs ahead of your own, why you tolerate being treated poorly by someone who claims to love you, and how long you are gong to put up with it all.
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Old 02-28-2009, 03:28 PM
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If you're okay with him flirting and sleeping with other girls, and okay with him "drinking as much as he wants," then I can't offer much wisdom. I finally have developed good self-esteem, and both of those would be dealbreakers for me. I wish you luck and happiness, however you get there.
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Old 02-28-2009, 03:29 PM
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Im one of them people that I hate walking out on others as I was walked out on..

and he isnt all bad, he has patience with my fears when I get them, which is more than I can about many men.. I can be rather trying to be with as well.. and he has a very good heart, and a good head on his shoulders, or I would not be with him..

Alcohol is a poison that changes a person, it ruins a lot of the capacity in him, but I know what I know and I know what I see and Im rather strong so for a while more I can carry us both as long as I see him fight with it as well..

If he had argued the point today that I brought up, I wuld have walked out as a matter of fact I was waiting him to moan and groan when I brought it up, he always have, its been on the table a few times before.. but he didn't...

Im a tad hopefull, but I promise you, I only take so much..
That's why Im here, it helps keeping my head leveled..
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Old 02-28-2009, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
If you're okay with him flirting and sleeping with other girls, and okay with him "drinking as much as he wants," then I can't offer much wisdom. I finally have developed good self-esteem, and both of those would be dealbreakers for me. I wish you luck and happiness, however you get there.
I must have written something off, no Im not ok with it, but I think he was joking it is his sence of humor, and he's not sleepng with anyone else, he thought that I WAS someone else and pushed me away..

Im still there cause he agreed on that everything is not fully right with him, or I would have left.. I feel that is a small step in the right direction isnt it?

English is only my second language so I must have come off wrong..
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Old 02-28-2009, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by WorriedWoman View Post
He comes home 4.15 screaming on the phone, shut up shut up, I have a girlfriend and you should be glad I aint telling her about you, she'd punsh your face (which is kinda true I hate that stalker chick he has that is 21 and just a pita). I stand in the door when he comes in, and he tells her f u and throws the phone into the wall..
Im still quiet, he jmps up grabs the razor and twist it in two peices..

To me, there are quite a few red flags in what you write (to a large extent because I see myself and my frame of mind before I started looking into co-dependency more). But the ones I quoted stick out because I am extremely sensitive when it comes to anger. I find it worrisome when someone has the need to destroy something when s/he doesn't get his/her way. And to be honest, I don't buy this conversation with her. I am rather inclined to believe he staged that, but I might be paranoid.

I am the poster child of wanting to help men who have issues (depression, addiction, schizophrenia), especially when they tell me about their bad childhoods and ask me "why oh why do you stay with me?" Those men latched on to me and sucked me dry and I let them. Today I am thinking, what the hell, if you cannot understand why I stay with you, why should I???? If he realizes that much, he also has the mental ability to realize that he can help himself.

I am usually not this blunt, but this really does not sound good. Please don't do as I have with most of my relationships: try to rescue someone who is "worth fighting for" unless they are truly dedicated to helping themselves. I am learning the hard way, perhaps you can learn faster than me.

Take care!



2 11 months long relationships behind him and he's 34..
Oh yeah, this would make me very suspicious...
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Old 02-28-2009, 04:01 PM
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You can be blunt with me, I have never any issues with such...
You sound like a real sweetheart, usually Im not the kind that stays with guys like this, Ive dated a few and as soon as I discover it Im out the door.

and he was too drunk to stage it, as a matter of fact he had forgotten I was there, and I am MISS paranoid, trust me on that, when he opened the door and I stood there his jaw fell down and it too him a few to remember..

The twsting the phone, he did so I wouldnt worry no more, and 3 minutes after doing it he was also giggeling, which struck me as odd, he has never had any real temper fits, that has been the extent of it, Im looking for everything that I can..

I am also aware of that I am likely to have to give this up in the long run, due to they rarely see their issues, I learned that from my father who has tried to kill me and my mom on several occasions hence temper is important to me..

and I think that once it sinks into him that he actually IS drinking too much that he might step up to the plate, its just he's raised in that enviroment and dont see nothing wrong with it, which makes us normal people drop our jaws and be like u drank how much???????

But I appreciate your thoughts and concerns, esp since some is coechoing with mine, it shows that Im not overly paranoid which I can be otherwise..

*hugs*
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Old 02-28-2009, 04:10 PM
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WW,

If you are doubting that you will stay with him, then why are you staying in the relationship? I don't mena to sound flip, but if you are planning to leave, waht is stopping you right now?

My ex was very sweet, but had firearms and as his alcoholism progressed, he began shooting guns off in his house. Violence was never in his nature, but during the last year, he began verbal abuse towards me that made me realize as his behavior worstened and we broke up, that he had been escalating slowly for years.

Please watch yourself before you allow behavior that you say "normal" people would not allow.
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Old 02-28-2009, 04:11 PM
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you are right, I have a bad habit of giving a few changes, sometimes too many, BUT I always walk out the door in the end, I just make sure there is no hope.

If it starts effect me so I loose too much sleep over it, argues, that he dont listen, I see no real attempts on trying, it impacts my well being overall, Im leaving.. I do that even when the guys has no issues and it's just a bad match..

but Im def guilty of giving a ton of chances when common sence tells me go!!!!!!

Which it does in this case.. but I see some glimmer, so Im not ready to toss in the towel quite yet.. but yeah u got me there.. I admit it..

Miss Fixit, I know what you are saying, my mom did that with my dad, I have to say Im paranoid enough that I wont let THAT happen, I might slip some, but I refuse to end up the whole way THERE... thats why Im here, to make sure u guys keep my head levelled.
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Old 02-28-2009, 04:52 PM
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Today when I spoke to him, instead of arguing the point that he has issues, he was quiet and nodded. You can tell that he's thinking about, and I need to give it some time to sink in.. He is also responsible, he dont drink and drive, he stops his friends from doing it, it does not affect his two jobs, nor his friendship circle, he's a very conciderate man at all other cases except that sometimes he does put the alcohol and the partying first..

If he had no control over anything, it wouldbe different, but there is hope for him.

I push a lot of buttons, and often on purpuose, and that phone is basically the only thing he has ever really done, and afterwards he laughed at himself for being so stupid and he only did it so Id stop worrying and HUG him (which is a rather cute thing to be irritated about when u compare to what can trigger things)..

and he's only cuter when drunk than sober, which is horrbible but he's adorable as drunk.. hes just addicted more to the social life I suspect than the booze itself or a combo of it than JUST plain alcohol.

He's a tad more complex than just have the bottle and he never drinks when he has work in the morning after, it's still only a weekend thing, if you read previous post I made. That is why I see hope, but it will also require work from me, and Ill test and see. I mean if it dont work out it wont, if it do then I really won big time on the Heart lottery, cause he is a really good man in general. He wasnt angry cause I snooped through the phone, he was irritated cause I didn't HUG him...
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Old 02-28-2009, 05:03 PM
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For your sake, I hope that you do watch the dynamic.

Active A's are "master manipulators." Many (mine) used charm, hugs, sweetness, generousity and humor to offset his drunken behavior. Behavior got worse with time, not better. The "cute" aspects decreased and his anger increased. Then, it was directed at me.

Please just be careful.
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Old 02-28-2009, 05:11 PM
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MissFixit, I am worried about that part, my father was the sweetest man in the world to me and my mother, til the day he tried to kill us. My ex husband did threat me despite he was a sober person like me (never been drunk) and he had been drunk twice in his life, he is a verbal abuser and controling, which was very hard to see, cause he turned like that under pressure, so as long as everything was good, he was perfect, I lost my job and we almost lost our house and he turned very emotionally abusive and everything was my fault, the day he threaten to hurt the dogs was the day I broke up and I will do it again... I dont stay, that I can ensure you, and old bf was also sober but showed up being aggressive when caught cheating, he did hit me, I hit back, Im a former bouncer so I dont sit and take it.. but I admit I have a hard time to give up hope at times...

but I try not to get carried away either... Thats why Im here, reading, posting, to keep a levelled head.. Im trying to find info that fits on his bill..

I quoted Einstein the other day: A life not lived for others is not worth living, and he responds well to such reasoning, I put him first and he feels he puts me first til I point at it and carefully said (this morning): what about this? and then he goes quiet, and I ensured him I wasnt angry, but I want him to think..

If he goes unreasonable I promise you I will walk out on him.. I might be a bit blue eyed, but Im not totally blond (I got my days )

But Im still nervous about it all, due to my father..

I really appreciate the supprt..

Thanks guys!!!!
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Old 02-28-2009, 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
he's a very conciderate man at all other cases except that sometimes he does put the alcohol and the partying first..

and he's only cuter when drunk than sober, which is horrbible but he's adorable as drunk..

He comes home 4.15 screaming on the phone, shut up shut up, I have a girlfriend and you should be glad I aint telling her about you, she'd punsh your face (which is kinda true I hate that stalker chick he has that is 21 and just a pita). I stand in the door when he comes in, and he tells her f u and throws the phone into the wall..

He's rather picky with his women, they gotta have brains or he goes nuts, and as I told him: No sane woman will stick around long enough to see if it's worth it,

I told him that just be you, dont hold back on your drinking for me... oh lord I opened a flood gate, he is so wasted that in bed he has pushed me away saying dont touch me I have a girlfriend.. no!!

??????
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Old 02-28-2009, 05:15 PM
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I can relate to "Worried Woman"

Originally Posted by WorriedWoman View Post
I posted a while back about my possibly alcoholic bf, and now I know he is, or at least halfway there.. I told him that just be you, dont hold back on your drinking for me... oh lord I opened a flood gate, he is so wasted that in bed he has pushed me away saying dont touch me I have a girlfriend.. no!! You serious!! I had no clue..

Then he does the same thing again 2 minutes later.. That's rather wasted in my book, and this morning really took the price of it..

I had worked late and he let me crash at his place while he was out, I refuse to enable him by tagging along, he wants to be with me, he can choose..

He comes home 4.15 screaming on the phone, shut up shut up, I have a girlfriend and you should be glad I aint telling her about you, she'd punsh your face (which is kinda true I hate that stalker chick he has that is 21 and just a pita). I stand in the door when he comes in, and he tells her f u and throws the phone into the wall..

Then he hugs me and tells me about this girl, and I said I heard you is no worries, but he knows I have abandonment issues and am rather paranoid, so he feels he has to really reassure me, 1.5 hour later he had told me the story 37 something times, yes I counted, he hugged me, cuddled me, and was like: why are you with me? Im useless, stupid, broke (last one is true), you can get so much more from someone else (which is likely true as well too bad my heart likes this guy) and so on all the self pitty in the world.. I just listen and hold him to put him to sleep, and that was when he had a moment that he didnt realise it was me like 4 times in a row and tried to push me away prolly thinking I was the stalker chick.. at least I know he will be faithfull no matter how drunk he is, that's always comforting..

at 9.00 AM I was up and bouncing, he was sound asleep, I knocked over his phone, and it opened and I see a text in his outbox, stating: are you hitting on me?? and Im like :wtf2 so here my paranoia kicks in, the last 7 weeks I have been a good girl and not done any snooping but now it just kicked in (yes Im one of those and he knows about it, when he wanted to date me I told him everything flat out about me to discourage him he said I was so cute that he wouldnt care) so I figured here we go...

It was a girl, and her answer was: Do you want me to?? which really got me going, I could feel the panick creeping up on me, I started to get trouble breathing and I knew if I did not talk to him about it now Id build it up and either explode or run away in pure panic doing something hasty..

so I woke him up, and he was still wasted..

When I mentioned the name, he was: oh its all joke, and I was well how long have u known here? like a week before me it showed up and I know very well that then its not that inocent from the girls side, I know he likely is, he says that even to his male friends if they say something when he's drunk but I was still anxy... and he goes: hug me, Im quiet cause Im trying to control the fears that are about to grab me, he says again: hug me, and Im still quiet, he jmps up grabs the razor and twist it in two peices..

which freaks me out even further but I hug him and Im quiet..

I felt that that kinda decided it for me, it's over, one last talk and Im out of there..

so when he comes in after getting anew cell phone I put him down on the bed, and he can tell, he sees my face and he goes absolutely white in the face..

Here comes the kicker, when I bring up I feel he's borderline alcoholic and that he will be full blown in another 10-15 years he dont go angry, last time he got very angry with me, this time he's just quiet and nods.. he's notthe guy to be quiet.. He asked me why Im worrying about something 20 miles down the road when we have barely started the journey, and I told him: well if you know a snowstorm is coming your way, you might not take the trip at all.. he answers: if it is important enough you even walk it through, and I told him: yeah but I might find the same goal with an easier journey since its just in the start..

and I told him I felt he wasted a lot of potential, that the man he described I could get that it could be him, but he needed to shape up, but not only for me but for his sake..

He's rather picky with his women, they gotta have brains or he goes nuts, and as I told him: No sane woman will stick around long enough to see if it's worth it, he has 2 11 months long relationships behind him and he's 34.. which I pointed out for him, and I told him unless u find a woman who drinks like u, but then she wont be much of a mother to the farm of kids you want..

Then he mentioned that his friends drinks.. and I was the young ones, the ones in your age are maried, kids and all that, its their younger brothers you drink with now and they are 21-25 it's kinda expected of them to party, of a man your age, not so much..

and he was quiet, and pondering, not defensive, and not aggressive, he wasnt even angry over me snooping, and he promised to keep that girl short thank god, the reason why I do like him as I do, he's smart and very caring..

I think he has a lot of childhood issues, his father basically pushed him away, didnt like him, called him dumb and stupid and as soon as he's drunk he repeats his fathers words.. he has a lot of unlocked potential of which I reccognise cause so do I thanks to my parents, but I work acctively with my issues, he dont..

But I felt that maybe it was a small step today, jsut the fact that he didnt go angry and he agreed with some points.. grantd I know he's more likely to fall back deep again and again before we will get anywhere, but I need him to see it first and as I said I dont think he's more than knee deep yet. He can def be worth fighting for. If he choose to fight I will help him, even if we break up..

and tonight he promised me no drinking, then he added: unless I wanted us to go out......... looking at me hopeful, he so wanted me to enable him but I refuse.. Ill make sure to keep him busy in other ways..

I just wanted to say thank you for the support I was given last time I posted, it helps me keep a sober head in this and not just be romantic about it, it helps me keeping my feet on the ground so I can stand steady and do a wise choice.

I think the fact that I was about to leave him today kinda shook him, last night he told me how much he loved me, and he never wanted anyone else, and that he adores that when he has his morning farts that I giggle my ass off instead of sighing (he has worse gases than the dogs)..

So we will see, Ill give him some more time, I know relasiation will not just occur like that, and there will be more phases with denial, but Im prepared to work with him as long as I see him work on it..

After all I am enabling him to get his dream of big family with dog, house and a yard, which is something I keep painting for him to give him something to focus on. His friends are all married with kids and Im like: wouldnt it be nice to take the kids together on a guy night, and he smiles about that..

Time will tell but I think that the silent admittance he did earlier today is a tiny tiny step in the right direction..

any thoughts on this is very welcome, I appreciate them a lot!!!
I'm relatively new to this forum, only been here once before (the night of the last "episode") and apparently tonight is yet another "episode." When I saw "Worried Woman" I totally related and began reading. and I cried my eyes out because I totally understand but at the same time I see how weak I am and you. My husband of 3 years was my "handsome prince." that's really what I called him...for a long time. He asked me to marry him, we decided to have a baby, and I was soooo happy. Then when I was about 3-4 months pregnant, he started coming home from work late every night. Smelling like booze and cigarettes (which, we discussed, if we were to get married, no smoking, drinking or anything else...). This is a second marriage for both of us, we were friends for a long time before we became romantically involved, and drank together (not to the point where I realized he was an alcoholic), but even with that, when he asked me to marry him, I said very honestly, I don't want to marry a smoker, drinker, drug user, etc...I wanted a safe, stable, serious relationship, with no drama. Well, he stopped drinking instantly, and quit smoking soon after. We got married, I got pregnant....and then he started coming home late stinking of booze and cigarettes. Well he said he was around other smokers, that's why he smelled and he was drinking non-alcoholic beer, that's why his breath smelled. Funny though there was no evidence in his work truck of non alc. beer bottles, just regular (yeah while they were driving...) and we promised each other to not go to bars anymore once we were married, to try to stay away from that kind of life. well, coming home from the mall one day he here comes out the door of the neighborhood bar sticking a cigarette in his mouth. I was about 4 months pregnant and thought he was the most beautiful man on this earth and I was priveledged to be pregnant with his child. HA!!!!! That second in time, I can say without a doubt, is when EVERYTHING changed.

Now I'm pregnant,scared, what to do...you'd think he'd come home and try to talk to me, apologize, something? No, he stayed over his drunken friends house and drank a bottle or two of vodka till he passed out. Needless to say, that weekend, March 2006, I'll never forget....was the beginning of the end of our relationship, my life, the lives of my children, etc, etc....this man has me on such a rollercoaster, he knows exactly what I want in life, and on good days he plays up to that...speaks of logical plans of action,,,etc...but IT NEVER HAPPENS!!! As I sit here writing, I am realizing how pathetic I really am...how could I love a man so much who doesn't even love himself enough, let alone me? I was woken up last night out of a sound sleep at 2:30 by him. He was drunk and mad at me (I'm still not so sure why...)But I was called a pig, a *****, etc...AGAIN, meanwhile, when he's not drunk, I'm the best mother in the world, beautiful, he loves me so much, etc, etc...when he's drunk all he talks about is my past boyfriends, which , by the way, ALL were before my first marriage...this guy got me as close to a virgin as possible, considering I was married already, my first husband and I didn't have relations for years...and then I was with him. Sorry I'm venting, I just want you to know how deep in I am, and how, for so long, I've been trying to detach from him. The problem is, similar to yours I think, that when they're not drunk, they're great guys. But the drunkenness somehow cancels that out and we are both sitting by and hoping for the drunkenness to go away. I doubt it will. His own sister has been telling me to call the cops on him and get him out of my life. And she and he are close, but at the same time, she's my v oice of reason. She loves him but knows what he's capable of.

I'm not one to suggest advice right now, because I am where you are...but reading what you wrote, I think you can do much, much better. So can I. Why should I be spit on, cursed at, insulted, have my car and house destroyed in a drunken rampage repeatedly just to have him say he's sorry and he loves me...sound familiar? God help us...

I've been trying to distract myself with new things, so that I don't have time to be hurt by these episodes....trust me it's hard, we have 2 kids together, both babies, he hasn't worked, and I'm losing my home, my credit is now shot, I don't know where to go from here...but I know this...life is too short for it to be like this, you and I both deserve more, and these guys are not our problems to fix. They were broken before us, and probably always will be...but, I know, we love them dearly...WHAT IS WRONG WITH US???!!!:praying
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Old 02-28-2009, 05:23 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Sparklebelle I see where you are and that is where Im afraid it might end up if Im not careful. However my guy is not like that YET, I am worried he might escalate to it, or lie to me just like what you are going through.

Im on my tippy toes for the signs, I can't get married yet though, not even divorced from the first ******* so Im rather safe still *being funny* and at least my guy has no issues with the number of exes, Im a former sexoholic/nympho, I passed 100 quite a few years ago.. so he does take me for me..

BUT it is what you are going through that Im worried might happen down the road...


and Im really sorry for what is happening to you..
*HUGS* I usually say: we dont love them for who they are, but for who they have potential to be.. I know that's the fact with me.. in my guy's case I think it can change if HE sees it as well.. if not, I gotta go...

At least him and me are on the same page, no marriage, no kids until at least 10 years down the road..

I really hope you find the strenght you need, for your child I'd say get out of there!!!!

Im what I am thanks to an alcoholic father...
*BIG HUGS*
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Old 02-28-2009, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted by WorriedWoman View Post
Im what I am thanks to an alcoholic father...
You can choose to change what you are. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and a neglectful alcoholic mother, a double winner. Was this a big influence on how I turned out? You bet ya! Until I finally decided to deal with all those issues. Unfortunately, I was in my 50s and dealing with the effects of having basically married my father at the age of 48 before I decided to stop the patterns and behaviors I had learned growing up.

I am what I am thanks to therapy and hard work. I am now a healthy woman with self respect and self love.

You can deal with your issues and stop engaging in self destructive behavior if you want to.
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Old 03-01-2009, 07:04 AM
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WW,

"My ex husband did threat me despite he was a sober person like me (never been drunk) and he had been drunk twice in his life, he is a verbal abuser and controling, which was very hard to see, cause he turned like that under pressure, so as long as everything was good, he was perfect, I lost my job and we almost lost our house and he turned very emotionally abusive and everything was my fault, the day he threaten to hurt the dogs was the day I broke up and I will do it again..."

Life is messy. It will be messy with new guy too. All of our lives are messy and filled wiht ups and downs. No way to control it. Why do you want to wait around to "see" if things get to the violent/abusive stage when you have already had glimpses of it coming from him?

Miss
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:52 PM
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well you guys were/are right...

Im sitting here, very frustrated...

Last night, he wanted to go out when a friend called, he didn't cause of the promise he made me but it was itching in him...

he cant even see how tired his body is, the times he spends the evening with me, he passes out 30 minutes after he comes in the door after work, usually otherwise he gets all worked up cause he's gonna head out.. His body is exhausted..

But, last night he talked like last morning didnt exist.. He was talking about how different we were and that maybe we should break up, due to me not tolerating his drinking/smoking... I left him this morning to go to work and Im crazy about his good sides, but I know it wont work, I wont see him again until friday however due to both of us are having dual jobs, but I will have to end it then.. It's no use...

Its just frustrating cause I saw a glimmer of hope, but then the sudden turns, I suspect now that when he listened that morning that he was still a tad tipsy.

and I dont need dissapointments in my life, cause it will be one after the other..

I am gathering a little package, with info AA etc, and I will leave that with a letter to him after I walk out, and we will see if he does something about it..

Now Im gonna go and eat some chocolate and try to cheer myself up..

Thank you all for ur supprt...
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Old 03-01-2009, 07:08 PM
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Yum I think chocolate is an essential recovery tool!!!!!!!! ;-)

By your own admission you have some serious issues: alcoholic father and abandonment issues. Are you doing any active work on those things? Therapy or AlAnon are 2 ways to start to deal with yourself! You're the only person in this world that you can change...give it a try!
peace,
b
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Old 03-02-2009, 12:51 AM
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:ghug3 for you..

One of the hardest things to deal with is the hot and cold, the push me pull me. It leaves you unstable. It is like standing on a rug and never knowing when it is going to be pulled from under you. Even when it isn't being tugged away you wait anticipating the next wrench. The only way, I've found, to stop that is get off the rug and onto some more solid ground.

I wish you all the best for your recovery.. x
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