Hi Pat
I can sooo relate to this, can i take it further? It is almost impossible for me to comprehend how i will be able to trust in my HP enough to just change and start doing what i want. It was grilled into me at private school that success is measured by money and to be very worried about what past middle age holds, i.e. 60 yrs old you have to be financially secure. I make alot of money and spend it all, always have on stupid ass things. Money has NEVER made me happy. It is not just my job that makes me money but the fringe benefits so my earnings have never been based on my work but how good i am at basically gaining company's confidences (bit vague but hope you get the jist).
I am 4 months sober have been to 1 AA meeting, fell asleep tonight and missed the important one with the first 3 steps which i have now stopped being annoyed about.
Anyways obviously what i am doing does not make me happy and is not ethical, but there is no way i could make a step to be able to take lesser material rewards by myself for the exchange of doing something that i want to do with pride and contentment.
I can totally see and have met people that are very successful who do things they love doing and set up their own companies, I have only ever met wealthy people who work in or have made money using unethical means that have nowhere near the life that the decent people have. I justify what i do to everyone, my friends, my family but i can't look in the mirror and say i am ok with it!
Sorry for rambling, but the point is i ******* need AA, i really really need to get this, i dont want to be this person and want to stop zipping through the gap in the fence pretending that everyone else is dumb and i am the smart one!
It's difficult for me Pat to comprehend so i guess that is why they have a book and sponsors hehe Hope we both get it, wouldn't it be great:-)