Going through the motions...
Yep, I'm just going through the motions now, it all feels so fake. That's how it feels to me now. It's almost like I see how he's acting through the false persona he puts up. I see what his "friends" see and I can see the person he's really become underneath. Truly sad.
We went out for a valentine's dinner tonight(us and the 2 kids) and I was really looking forward to getting to eat seafood. Soon as AH showed up from work to get ready I felt that old knot in my stomach, soon as he walked in the door he had the beer in hand. He drank on the way down, and while we were there...I drove of course. I could tell he was getting to the point of drinking a bit to much, he made some comments about our waitress, griping about bad service rather loudly. I had to fix the problem by waving her down and taking care of the situation. The griping was easier for him to do and I got tired of hearing it, plus he said he was going to make a scene since was getting so angry. Left a bit later, he slept on the way home and fell asleep in his chair again.
I'm not going to say that it doesn't still hurt me that he does this stupid stuff, I just can't change how he's going to behave. I think my saving grace is that I know it isn't going to stay this way. He drinks to cover his hurt, hide his emotions and to have an excuse to act like a jerk. I've chosen to not drink and deal with the crap that life throws at you, yeah it stinks for a little while but in the end it's not nearly as bad. Though I may wish for him to choose a similiar path it's his choice to make and it's obvious he's not making it.