Well, this is an area that is about as clear as mud.
alanon thought: don't give ultimatums
alanon thought: set boundaries
I've been struggling with this dichotomy for a couple of weeks now.
On the one hand, we are told not to try to control the addict. One can't after all, control another grown person, short of physical restraint, which isn't practical or legal.
On the other hand, we are told to make decisions about what is appropriate behavior, and to stick to our commitments about consequences.
It makes me dizzy.
This is what I have decided for myself. One has to decide the things one wants their life to hold. What is acceptable? What cannot be tolerated? What is desired? What is one willing to compromise (if anything) to get what one desires?
Then, I think it is fair to tell the addict what one has decided.
For example... Dino went on a tear a couple of weekends ago. Not his worst, just the one that got to my "I've had it" button. He was in counseling, looking great, all cleaned up. Unfortunately, he doesn't believe drugs are his real problem. He's "depressed". And he has his counselor snowed, too. (That helps.) The last time he slipped, he said he was going to go to NA. I thought that could be the clincher to his recovery, now that the drugs were out of his system. Then he kept finding excuses not to go. He had no real support system, so when the urge came on him, he fell. No mystery.
He knows what he needs to do to recover. He has not done it.
He doesn't live here now. However, we have remained friendly, and I have tried to be supportive, as he seemed to be on the right track.
I can tolerate a slip if I feel the effort is sincere and total. If the effort isn't there, well, you can't even really call it a "slip" can you? It's just the status quo, which I will not tolerate.
This time I told him, that the next time I saw him, he'd better have his NA handbook in his hand, or no entre' vous. Clearly, an ultimatum. But he has choice. The NA effort, and I'm still in his life, or not... he uses drugs, and does without me.
Now, I could have kept this all to myself. It might have seemed less "controlling" to just see what he did and then turn him away if he wasn't making the commitment. But it didn't seem like fair play. "I have secret rules, see if you can guess."
This rule is for me. I certainly have a preference, but I am quite sincere about ending our association if things don't change.
So, for my money... ultimatums aren't all bad. The tricky part is , if you say to an addict "me or the drugs" you have to be prepared for them to choose drugs. And you have to be strong enough to not take it personally. You can't measure your worth by an addict's yardstick. It's warped.
Hey, thanks Gang. I've need to write this out for some time now.
Smoke