I guess it's my turn to hurt
Some of you already know that my husband and I have been having issues over the past 2 or 3 weeks. Just a very quick bit of backstory: the first 3 months I was sober, things with him were great. While that was great and just what I needed in those early days, it also lulled me into a false sense of security. I thought I really HAD only hurt myself over the past 2 - 2 1/2 years. I thought his silence meant he was ok with everything.
I was wrong.
About 3 weeks into January, we got into it one day while he was at work (see my "First Sober Fight" thread in the Relationships forum for details). He had been acting angry for no good reason and he finally told me some of the reasons... and it wasn't pretty. Fast forward about another week, and it happened again. It was worse the second time around - way worse. We both basically spent a day and a half after that second "discussion" wondering if our marriage can survive, and if it CAN if it's worth saving. After he calmed down we both apologized for some things and had a much more rational and civilized discussion. He even went to an Al-Anon meeting last Thursday. Things have been better since then. We have a long road ahead of us, and we both know that, but things have been better.
Tonight I'm in the kitchen, working on my son's birthday cake for tomorrow. Hubby picks up my can of Diet Coke and we have the following conversation:
Me: Whatcha doing with my Diet Coke? (smiling)
Him: Oh, just seeing if it's still cold. If it was warm I was going to get you a new one.
Me: *smiles, and starts joking, because he HATES Diet Coke* Yeah, well I have my eye on you. You better not take my Diet Coke!
Him: No, really I was going to take a sip, to see if there is any vodka in it. (he had a very joking tone when he said this, and a smile on his face)
Me: *laughs* Yeah, right! You couldn't even stand to have it in your mouth for THAT. You wouldn't be able to find out of there was vodka in it because you'd have to spit it out too fast. (laughing, joking, but serious because he really does hate Diet Coke)
Him: True. So I guess you COULD have vodka in there right now and I'd never know. (um... joking? Didn't seem like it this time...)
I can't shake this now. It's got me really upset.
I know he started off joking, and I know if I said anything to him right now he'd insist the whole thing was a joke and he didn't REALLY wonder if I had vodka in there. But he put a great deal of effort into telling me recently that he no longer trusts me and he has a hard time believing me and he's only very recently stopped wondering on a daily basis if I'll be drunk when he gets home from work. So part of me knows that deep down, he probably was most definitely not joking.
And it hurts.
I'm trying really hard. I swear to god and my kids and all that's sacred in this life... I am trying SO FKN HARD. And it doesn't seem to matter. I can't MAKE him trust me. I know it's going to take time. It just hurts, ya know?
But after he had to suffer in silence for over 2 years, I guess it's my turn to hurt. He even told me (in one of our ugly, mad discussions) that he feels like it's time for things to go HIS way for a change. Guess I can't argue with that.
Thanks for listening.