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I guess it's my turn to hurt

Old 02-09-2009, 07:28 PM
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I'm just a little unwell
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I guess it's my turn to hurt

Some of you already know that my husband and I have been having issues over the past 2 or 3 weeks. Just a very quick bit of backstory: the first 3 months I was sober, things with him were great. While that was great and just what I needed in those early days, it also lulled me into a false sense of security. I thought I really HAD only hurt myself over the past 2 - 2 1/2 years. I thought his silence meant he was ok with everything.

I was wrong.

About 3 weeks into January, we got into it one day while he was at work (see my "First Sober Fight" thread in the Relationships forum for details). He had been acting angry for no good reason and he finally told me some of the reasons... and it wasn't pretty. Fast forward about another week, and it happened again. It was worse the second time around - way worse. We both basically spent a day and a half after that second "discussion" wondering if our marriage can survive, and if it CAN if it's worth saving. After he calmed down we both apologized for some things and had a much more rational and civilized discussion. He even went to an Al-Anon meeting last Thursday. Things have been better since then. We have a long road ahead of us, and we both know that, but things have been better.

Tonight I'm in the kitchen, working on my son's birthday cake for tomorrow. Hubby picks up my can of Diet Coke and we have the following conversation:

Me: Whatcha doing with my Diet Coke? (smiling)

Him: Oh, just seeing if it's still cold. If it was warm I was going to get you a new one.

Me: *smiles, and starts joking, because he HATES Diet Coke* Yeah, well I have my eye on you. You better not take my Diet Coke!

Him: No, really I was going to take a sip, to see if there is any vodka in it. (he had a very joking tone when he said this, and a smile on his face)

Me: *laughs* Yeah, right! You couldn't even stand to have it in your mouth for THAT. You wouldn't be able to find out of there was vodka in it because you'd have to spit it out too fast. (laughing, joking, but serious because he really does hate Diet Coke)

Him: True. So I guess you COULD have vodka in there right now and I'd never know. (um... joking? Didn't seem like it this time...)

I can't shake this now. It's got me really upset.

I know he started off joking, and I know if I said anything to him right now he'd insist the whole thing was a joke and he didn't REALLY wonder if I had vodka in there. But he put a great deal of effort into telling me recently that he no longer trusts me and he has a hard time believing me and he's only very recently stopped wondering on a daily basis if I'll be drunk when he gets home from work. So part of me knows that deep down, he probably was most definitely not joking.

And it hurts.

I'm trying really hard. I swear to god and my kids and all that's sacred in this life... I am trying SO FKN HARD. And it doesn't seem to matter. I can't MAKE him trust me. I know it's going to take time. It just hurts, ya know?

But after he had to suffer in silence for over 2 years, I guess it's my turn to hurt. He even told me (in one of our ugly, mad discussions) that he feels like it's time for things to go HIS way for a change. Guess I can't argue with that.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 02-09-2009, 07:37 PM
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I'm not sure wht to share at the moment but wanted to acknowledge your pain and right to feel it....and I'll share later.

(hug)
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Old 02-09-2009, 07:39 PM
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:ghug3 Thanks nands.
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Old 02-09-2009, 08:49 PM
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It does take time to heal the wounds so just be strong and continue to prove to him that you are doing this. I am sure he has felt hurt by you before and it is hard to trust again.
I am having the same difficulties earning my wife's trust back but I will keep at it until she forgives what I did and trusts me again.
This may not help but I thought I would share anyways. :ghug3
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:16 PM
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It seemed that when I decided to sober up I wanted trust back then, I wanted support. After all these years of lying why cant she see this time I'm not. Well it seems like the same old song and dance to her. It will take time I cant just demand trust I have to earn it. If I was to be angry I need to be angry at myself because I had trust at one time and I;m the one who threw it away. I hope I will have it agin but it will take time.
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:24 PM
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I'm just a little unwell
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Trust me, I'm plenty angry at myself (among other things). It's times like this when I think everyone else would just be better off without me.
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:32 PM
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I'm not sure what to say either - I was sober when I got with my partner, and I hafta admit I'm pretty glad not to have that baggage - if I did I guess I'd try and keep communication as open and direct as possible....but that's me?

it's a process tho I think
(((TSH)))

D

It's times like this when I think everyone else would just be better off without me.
bollocks

Last edited by Dee74; 02-09-2009 at 09:51 PM.
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:49 PM
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All I can think is...if it were me and my GF was having difficulty in trusting me again...I would validate her concerns. I would say things like: I know you were joking but I can understand it will be hard for you to trust me again after all I have done in the past.

I guess the psychology learning in me would cause me to validate my GF concerns.

So what I'm saying is: your husband has very real concerns of being manipulated or lied too and validating those concerns lets him know you are trying to understand this position.
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:57 PM
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Be careful, girl. You are so very early in your sobriety. I'm thinking anything under a year is just so much change for everyone involved with the alcoholic.

My husband said I was 'acting weird' in the early days. Well he quit 3 weeks ago and its been pretty tense around here, to say the least. I don't want to go into it on an open forum, suffice it to say....it's just gonna take some time.

Be gentle with yourself AND your man.
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:02 PM
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It took me quite some time after cleaning up to get used to feeling emotions. It helped for me to just avoid confrontations. Don't let anybody walk over you but remember that your brain is beginning to work again. It's weird. Hope that made sense...I ain't too good with words and whatnot.
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Old 02-09-2009, 10:20 PM
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Try not to take it to heart, TSH. I really don't think he meant anything.
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:56 AM
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Hey, TSH.


I hope he continues to go to meetings or finds another way. I just read the other thread you mentioned and it sounds like he's having a really hard time but doesn't want any outside help? Would he be embarrassed to do that or is he simply determined to fix this by himself? I don't know...I just hope his way of therapy is not going to be about taking it out on you--that won't do anyone any good.

TSH, I know this is going to sound like a newspaper advice column response (so I'm apologizing now), but could you go to therapy even if he won't? I think you are going to need to do something positive for yourself (even if it’s not therapy) if he decides to handle this on his own.

I'm wishing the absolute best for you, TSH. You're doing so well. Sorry if this post didn't help, but at least I can give you a virtual hug.
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Old 02-10-2009, 07:17 AM
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It takes time. The best way to earn back his trust is to stay sober. I don't know about you, but I vowed to "quit drinking" so many times that it became a bit like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. So I couldn't just expect people to belive me when I said I was done drinking. They'd all heard it before and watched me run right back to the bottle--sometimes after a week, sometimes after a year of having been sober. He will trust you again. Just give it time.
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Old 02-10-2009, 07:56 AM
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Bam: Thank you for your words, sweetie (and the hugs!). He seemed ok with the meeting last week. His attitude was much more positive than I was expecting. He said he will go back this week (although he hasn't mentioned it again yet, but we've been really busy, too). I told him before he went, and people there also told him, that it's usually a good idea to go to 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not, and to try different groups. He said he will do both (ooooh, it just clicked that there was a Sunday meeting he said he was going to try and we both completely forgot about it). Anyway, I'll give him some time to see if he thinks this will help him or not. After that last fight, he seemed to accept the fact that maybe he CAN'T do this by himself after all. I wholeheartedly agree that I need therapy/counseling/whatever you want to call it... I'm just really not confident about my ability to find someone good for me. I suppose I should at least give it a shot, though. :ghug3 Thank you again.

Page: I hid my drinking from him (and everyone, really) and it was never ever discussed until I confessed to him that I had a problem and needed to quit. Once we had that discussion, I drank one time after that - and that was it. So at least he hasn't had to listen to years of broken promises... just a couple of years of lies, and then my drunken rampages where I'd (apparently) spend hours and hours telling him I wanted a divorce.
:wtf2 *sigh*

So, yeah. Fun stuff.
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Old 02-10-2009, 01:22 PM
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TSH...It just takes time...it took us time to get where we were....it will take time to heal. My husband did similar things...checked all my hiding spots...drank from my cup "by accident". I think he deserves some leeway in this area I had him scared to death...it's only natural. You will see....slowly this issue will disappear.
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:12 PM
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((TSH)) - I'm a recovering addict with 23 months clean. There are STILL a few things that will trigger my family into questioning whether I'm using or not....if I don't answer my phone, or at least call back in a reasonable amount of time, if I were to go back to the city I used in, etc. I have a friend here, who's husband asked her if she looked in the medicine cabinet at his aunt's house (she is a recovering opiate addict with over 18 months clean). These things hurt us, a bit, but we realize this is just a consequence.

The fact that you hid your drinking from him, in his eyes, still makes him feel like you lied to him. I've been on his side of that situation, and after I found out, I wondered "well, if you hid THAT from me, what ELSE did you hide from me?" Realistic or not, it's how I felt.

I say this, NOT to make you feel guilty, or to justify what he's doing or feeling, only to point out what he may be thinking. I do hope he continues to reach out for support and go to alanon. I had to get a lot of help with my codie issues, along with my recovery support.

Yes, it does take time to earn trust back. But he could also benefit from support in learning how to work through resentments and talking out his feelings with people who understand.

The one thing I DO know, is that everyone would NOT be better off without you. This part of recovery is hard, but it gets better...I promise.

Hugs!!

Amy
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:21 PM
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It will take time for him.

As regards you hurting though, one thing you need to make sure of is that you're sober for you, nobody else. If you're sober for yourself, be happy and content that you had no vodka in that coke. Whilst the thoughts and feelings of your husbands are important, they must be secondary to your own. If you continue to do it for yourself in time others will begin to appreciate it, but it takes time and eventually he will begin to trust you.

Paul
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
The fact that you hid your drinking from him, in his eyes, still makes him feel like you lied to him. I've been on his side of that situation, and after I found out, I wondered "well, if you hid THAT from me, what ELSE did you hide from me?" Realistic or not, it's how I felt.
And it's exactly how he feels. He has said those exact words to me.

Thank you.

I'm not used to this. This isn't me. I'm not a liar, I never have been. I turned into one and I didn't even realize it. I thought it "didn't count" because no one knew about it. Isn't it sick and twisted the things our mind does when we're stuck in the grasp of our addiction?? Things that are SO far from rational seem normal... it's disgusting now that I look back on it. I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself, "WTF were you thinking?!?"

He sent me a text from the bookstore - he went there looking for a book they were using at Al-Anon last weekend. He is still planning on going back on Thursday.

(((Amy))) I appreciate you.
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:40 PM
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I'm with Paul totally it has to be all about you at the moment, your sobriety is the most important thing in your life and whether or not they understand it for everyone elses life around you!

Hope it gets better for you, IMO i would have thought couples counselling would be a really good thing to try, why not?
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Old 02-10-2009, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by digderidoo View Post
It will take time for him.

As regards you hurting though, one thing you need to make sure of is that you're sober for you, nobody else. If you're sober for yourself, be happy and content that you had no vodka in that coke. Whilst the thoughts and feelings of your husbands are important, they must be secondary to your own. If you continue to do it for yourself in time others will begin to appreciate it, but it takes time and eventually he will begin to trust you.

Paul
Hey dig...

Yes, I am sober for me. It's still hard sometimes, but I am trying to stay focused. It's an added PLUS that I'm sober for them as well, but I do know that I have to do this for myself. It was my decision to quit, based on knowledge of how I felt about myself, and I believe it's the right decision.

I WAS content that I had no vodka in my Diet Coke... I guess his comment really caught me off guard, joking or not. And something in his tone with that final comment just stung a bit. Hit too close to home, I guess.
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