My heart goes out to you because I feel someone understands the hell I've been through. It's been 8 months since I lfet my AH after being togethr 16 years. I am always surprised by the new wave of grief and missing him that washes over just when I'm thinking I have gone through the worst of it. It's not easy but I reviewed my journals of when we were together and that was not easy either. In fact it's worse when you have the man you love sitting in the next room and you're still not getting what you want from the relationship. You know the good man that you used to know is inside somewhere but you don't recognize this other person that has come to possess his body.....this angry, nasty, cruel person who has taken over and who just wants to be left alone to enjoy the love of his life.....his bottle. I don't miss the constant feelings of rejection because he always chose to spend time with the bottle and not me. When you love someone, it is so hard to watch them kill themselves slowly, especially when youre children are watching as well. He told me clearly that he did not want to stop and did not want help. He said he'd tried before, it hadn't worked and he just wasn't strong enough.
I didn't want my marriage to end either and would have done almost anything to make it work (in fact I think I did). Any encouragment to get help was just perceived as nagging and arguing by him so one day he did walk away. It's not what I wanted and it's not how I saw this ending and I miss him so much! But he saw me as the problem and not the bottle. So what can you say to that?
My heart goes out to you; just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. It's not easy but it does get easier one day at a time.
Blessings,