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I miss my A

Old 02-06-2009, 03:59 PM
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I miss my A

I miss my A-Husband, I miss my life, I miss being married.
I left my husband last August because his drinking was out of control.
I didn't want to leave, I was so stressed out by his bewildering behaviour, which was at it's peak.
I was given an altumadum, by a family member to leave or they would contact C.A.S.
I was so beside myself, I knew that he was out of control.Everything was out of control.
and I was losing control,
So I left.
the first month was hell, I cried, and cried, and cried,
I was being pressured by my family to go to a lawyer and get it over with.
Sell the house, be done with him.
I was in shock, I was sick to my stomach, In my heart I hoped he would go get help, I begged, I pleaded with him.
He cried and begged me to come back home, and I repeatedly told him to go to treatment.
Seven months later.......Im still waiting
He's still in our home,
I've finally began to rebuild my life and come to terms with the fact that he's not going to get help.
maybe he will someday, but i can't help but feel hurt and dissipointed that he hasn't missed me and the children enough to go to treatment.
I was horrified at myself for leaving him all alone, sick and drinking himself to death. I felt such quilt and worry.
And God I was so homesick.........
now it has faded slightly, I have managed to start to put the pieces of my life back together. I can't believe I've made it this far.
I have moments where i just ache to go back.
I am so scared,and I feel so old.
I have struggled to keep my sanity, Anxiety,depression.
I have just recently emerged from the darkness and I fear it.
but I miss him,
i miss him, we were together for 23 years.......
I know im doing the right thing and I will be ok, and that each day things get a little better.
but dam I miss my life.......
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:08 PM
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Thank you for your honesty Sally...that really moved me. You had hard choices to make. 23 years is a long time. Have you tried any support groups like al anon for yourself ? I wish you well and hope you can stay strong.
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Old 02-06-2009, 04:40 PM
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Hi Sally -- I was touched by the rawness of your post -- I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I often miss my AH -- what we had, all the many many good times we shared, all of lifes wonderful blessings like children and family. I am in the process of separating at the moment so he is not "fully gone" (we are still in the same house). I'm sure that will produce a whole new level of pain for me but I'm ready -- bring it on!

Every time I have become melancholy about all the great things we have shared (we have been together 27 years), I have tried to remember the bad -- and there has been plenty of bad. When I think that I'm making the wrong decision about separating and I want to reconcile, I think about what that would really be like. Like your husband, mine refuses to get help for himself and his problem. He chooses to continue to live the lifestyle that I no longer want any part of. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

At this point, I don't think he wants a reconciliation either and that hurts. I know what you mean when you say that he doesn't love you and the kids enough to get help. But I have come to realize, it's not about me. It's not about how much he loves me (and I'm sure he does). It's about his new priority, the true love of his life right now -- his addiction.

Hang in there, you say you are coming out of that darkness. Embrace it and focus on you and your kids. I'm thinking of you today............
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Old 02-06-2009, 05:15 PM
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Your post brings tears to my eyes. It is just so true. No matter how strong you try to be it all just boils down to just wanting everything to be ok and wanting your life back. I don't know how I could put it in simpler terms other than I just want my life back. I can relate so well to your post. I am still with my AH but am trying to prepare myself to leave. I know that I will experience what you are experiencing and am quite scared about it. I just keep telling myself that it is not my AH that I miss, it is the man I married 14 years ago who has over the years progressed into an alcoholic. That man is gone.

I am praying for you..
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Old 02-06-2009, 05:29 PM
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Heck, I miss my AH and he is sitting in the other room 1/2 in the bag. I miss not having the family togetherness. My kids want a DAD, a Dad that WANTS to be with them. We seen a "family" tonight at the recreation center playing in the water and having fun and my 9 year old said he wished his dad could be like that and want to do things with us.

I think, when I think about what I miss it is mainly what I was envisioning in a "family" for me and my kids... That picture of a HAPPY family, you know, the one many little girls dream of when we grow up.....ughhhhh.... not this life that is for sure....

Sally, I'm thinking about you and praying you get stronger everyday.....

PS - Feel young, go do something fun and excited to get your body and heart pumping!!!!
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Old 02-06-2009, 05:46 PM
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Sally,

Your honesty was appreciated.

I have been married for 22 years and now taking my first steps to move on from this madness. You can't help but reflect on the good times shared because you know that good man is still inside the alcoholic. Yet the choice is his to change...or not. I can only imagine what I may feel when it's all said and done, but your post gave me a glimps of the run of emotions that could follow.

I wish peace and happiness for you and your children.
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Old 02-06-2009, 06:08 PM
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I was in for 28.5 years. Your story is mine.....hugs to you and peace.
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Old 02-06-2009, 07:24 PM
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ah thank you so much friends

I thank every single one of you for your replies, I had to jam a moutain of feelings into that post to catch you all up.
In the mean time, ive gone back and read my posts from years ago.
Always struggling repeating the same things.
When I slip into denial and i think God was it really that bad, well I have my answers.
I guess the hardest part is having to rise above the situation and try and do better for my children. And god, it takes strength I never knew I had.
I read a post last night that will stick in my mind.......In my daughter I have the best of him......that really made me look at my children and my husband in a different way. I am saving all of us, including him, by taking our children out of the sick situation.
It's just so hard to be a healthy role model when Im struggling myself, with greif and fear.
And depression,
But I don't want to scare anyone, it has not been the best time in my life.
but I am moving forward, and each day I gain confidence in myself.And I figure things out as they come.
I will make it, because frankly I have no choice.
I thank god.......for you the people in the same shoes.....
And you know, what amazing strength stands in those shoes
thank you all
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:01 PM
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Pain shared is pain lessened. :ghug :ghug
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Old 02-06-2009, 08:35 PM
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you really made me laugh when you said Hell I miss my A and he's in the next room. I so know that feeling.
Thank you
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Old 02-07-2009, 09:11 AM
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My heart goes out to you because I feel someone understands the hell I've been through. It's been 8 months since I lfet my AH after being togethr 16 years. I am always surprised by the new wave of grief and missing him that washes over just when I'm thinking I have gone through the worst of it. It's not easy but I reviewed my journals of when we were together and that was not easy either. In fact it's worse when you have the man you love sitting in the next room and you're still not getting what you want from the relationship. You know the good man that you used to know is inside somewhere but you don't recognize this other person that has come to possess his body.....this angry, nasty, cruel person who has taken over and who just wants to be left alone to enjoy the love of his life.....his bottle. I don't miss the constant feelings of rejection because he always chose to spend time with the bottle and not me. When you love someone, it is so hard to watch them kill themselves slowly, especially when youre children are watching as well. He told me clearly that he did not want to stop and did not want help. He said he'd tried before, it hadn't worked and he just wasn't strong enough.

I didn't want my marriage to end either and would have done almost anything to make it work (in fact I think I did). Any encouragment to get help was just perceived as nagging and arguing by him so one day he did walk away. It's not what I wanted and it's not how I saw this ending and I miss him so much! But he saw me as the problem and not the bottle. So what can you say to that?

My heart goes out to you; just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. It's not easy but it does get easier one day at a time.

Blessings,
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Old 02-07-2009, 10:43 AM
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I was in it for 20 years.

Sally, thank YOU for posting and sharing your heartfelt words. You expressed so well what I could not. You have helped others today.

Prayers for you
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Old 02-07-2009, 12:28 PM
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we sound like the same person,
Thank you for your post.
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Old 02-07-2009, 09:12 PM
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I had to giggle too, mine's passed out as we speak. Well, as we type...
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Old 02-07-2009, 11:27 PM
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Married 21 and a half. Still in the same house but seperated.

Mine apologized to me today for ruining my life for 22 years. i told him it was my choice to stay and he didn't ruin my life, but he was ruining his. I also told him all wasn't ruined and there were years that he was a better partner as a husband then i was as a wife. ( cause it is true- of course he told me to stop, when i say things like this he gets upset)

Then he made the comment," How can you throw away 22 years of marriage? !!"
( deep breath- slow down-speak calmly) I told him I am angry too that after 21 years I have to get a divorce and I wasn't throwing any years away. Instead i was ending the marriage that he wouldn't work to save.

He quit drinking for 4 days this week and went to meetings, but on the 5 day after his meeting on Friday he drank. He told me this in the same conversation.
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Old 02-07-2009, 11:36 PM
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>>but I am moving forward, and each day I gain confidence in myself.And I figure things out as they come.
I will make it, because frankly I have no choice.
I thank god.......for you the people in the same shoes....>>

Sally, there are going to be people who come along and read this and will be blessed because you told them of the walk in your shoes. Thanks for sharing your shoes.

My reminder from your post is to be vulnerable with the people i trust.
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Old 02-11-2009, 03:47 AM
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My A keeps calling

Hello my friends, Im feeling much better these day's.
I've been feeling so good and positive and strong. I've been moving forward pysicaly and mentaly.
Mentaly has been the most difficult.
But yesterday my A kept calling, and calling and calling leaving messages on my phone saying he misses me, he loves me. He's drunk as a skunk.
Although this would have brought me too my knee's awhile ago, it still shakes me up.
Reality smacks me in the face, just when I think I've escaped the mental anguish.
It's like a flashback of doubt and uncertain thoughts enter my mind.
My emotions come flooding back,
Although I see him differently now.
I see the whole situation differently it's still difficult when he calls.

mental block
sally
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Old 02-11-2009, 03:59 AM
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I am sending thoughts of strength and love your way.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:29 AM
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When I think that I'm making the wrong decision about separating and I want to reconcile, I think about what that would really be like.
Everyone that is missing their A should print this out and read it over and over. I needed this today.

And I too miss my A...sometimes...less now than let's say 3 mths ago. And hell he was not only an alcoholic but a crackhead to boot...now isn't that crazy?

Stay strong.
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Old 02-11-2009, 06:14 AM
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A post like this is so far reaching...I am so glad to have read it...

I've heard it said that if we have love in our hearts for ourselves, our higher power, and each other, we will not have fear. Fear comes from a lack of love.

I believe it shows the love you have within you that you were able to do what you did this past year. Try to keep focusing on the positives, keep enjoying today, and keep an eye on the future...
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