Once upon a time -- like probably almost 4 years ago -- someone was on this site complaining because her AH, who was on probation related to a DUI, had been out drinking and was spotted by a neighbor who reported him to the police. Despite the CW attempts to save him from the consequences of his behavior (Lying for him, hiring attorneys he had not money to pay for, etc...), he was now going to jail, and the CW was here on SR railing against the neighbor for ruining her life.
Someone posted a response that went something like: "He chose the drink, he pays the price; You chose the man, you pay the price." Now, I can be quite blunt myself, but that remark, true though it most certainly is, made me wince, because, at the time, it struck me as very harsh. But I cannot tell you how many times since reading that I have remembered it when about to make a stupid decision in relation to my AP, and when I do so, it is always very helpful because it makes things just about as clear as they can be: If I don't like the price I'm paying, then it's my responsibility to make a different choice. Period. And any "but, but, but' that comes after that is nothing but me b*llsh*tting myself.
Also, as far as the "vow" thing goes. I have a Al Anon friend, who before she was in program, had stuck it out in a nasty, abusive marriage because that's what good Catholic girls do. When she was at the end of her rope, she went to her parish priest in the hopes of getting strength and support to continue sticking it out. After she told him her story, the priest said to her: "If you choose to stay in this horrific, violent situation, don't you ever let me hear blame God or His church for whatever happens." Then he referred her to Al Anon.
freya