backporchpoet

Hey everyone. My name is Erin, and I'm a 25 year old Mother to a 3 year old boy. I am an alcoholic. I am giving sobriety a real chance, starting today.

Growing up with an alcoholic Father, I always swore I would never drink. My first alcoholic beverage was at 20 in college. I began drinking because I dated someone who drank, and low and behold it got its grips on me. I never thought it was an issue. In fact, I felt better about being in social groups because the alcohol would take the edge off.

One night, after drinking a whole lot of captain and cokes, I woke up to find that all of my friends were mad at me. I had apparently knocked on all their doors in the middle of the night and when they answered, I screamed "YOU ARE A ******* *****" and slammed the door in their faces. My girlfriend at the time apparently tried to get me to bed and I threw her against a wall, breaking her favorite watch. I realized then that I might have a problem. But being young and stupid, I blamed it on hard liquor and decided to stick to beer.

After college, I joined the Military. The 6 months in basic training were good for me. I wasn't allowed to drink and I didn't miss it. While visiting home one month, I went to a party (bad idea) and got really drunk off beer. Three months later I find out I am pregnant. What a shocker! I am a lesbian, so I had no clue what happened. After some questioning, I find out that I actually slept with a boy at that party back home. Anyway, I followed through with the pregnancy.

Now that was 3 years ago. For the past 3 years, I have been drinking socially. My problem has never been that I drink too often. It's that when I do drink, I drink way too much and end up blacking out. I blamed it on being young. I kept thinking that if all my friends could go out and have a few drinks and call it a night, then so could I. So I never actually tried to cut drinking from my life.

I met a woman 10 months ago and we have had what I would call an amazing relationship.....minus my drinking problem. She and my son have bonded, she treats me like a princess.....it's just too good to be true. Now, she plays in a band and is out at the bar scene a lot. Usually, I don't go. But this past summer, I went out with her and ended up blacking out and making a fool of myself. I told her to shut up when she tried to get me to stop drinking and I actually even wet the bed that night.

I promised her I would cut back on my drinking. I swore that I would get a handle on things. And for awhile, I was doing really well....only having 2 or 3 beers when I went out instead of 8 or 9.

Last night, we were supposed to be celebrating our 10 month anniversary. Stupid me decided to have a glass of wine with dinner before she came over.....1 glass turned into 4 and I got good and drunk before she even arrived. I blacked out, only to wake up this morning not even having recalled whether or not she came over. Turns out she did, asked me if I had been drinking, and I lied and said no.

Now here is my problem....I am not an idiot...I know that she can tell when I've had even 1 drink....and I can't grasp what in the world made me think that it was okay to drink before she came over. I knew it would cause a fight, yet I did it anyway.

So it was hard to come to terms with......that I'm only 25 and an alcoholic and that I really need to kick the habit forever. It's hard to think about the rest of my life with no alcohol at all. But I need to do it. It's ruining my relationship, my friendships....everything. Drinking and trying to hide it has caused anxiety and depression, and then the anxiety and depression causes me to drink.

I am hoping this site will help me out a lot. I actually joined a similar board a few years back to help me find the strength to get out of an abusive relationship with someone with a personality disorder. I'm hoping this site and reading about and learning about the experiences of others will help me greatly.

Thanks!