I keep thinking… I lied to him. I don't want this to work. The marriage we’d save, even if he was sober and all our problems were magically solved… I don’t think it’s enough for me. I'd still have the "what if's" and the memories of the pan he's caused. I still think I’d be happier alone. It all comes down to… I don’t have a reason to keep him in my life.
Does this make sense?
Makes a lot of sense to me. Sounds like you have already answered your own questions about this relationship. hugs to you