Thinking out loud.
I talked to AH last night and told him I didn’t think our marriage was going to work. He asked over and over for me to wait and I did eventually agree to give him a month to find a job. He asked for goalposts and I didn’t give him anything new, find a job and quit drinking.
He blamed a lot of stuff on me, which I expected. Some of his comments were almost comical though. He said when he got a full time job he was going to be very very busy and not have much time. NO kidding. That’s what the rest of the 9-5 world does. Why should he be any different?
He asked if there was someone else… again a comical statement. I don't get a shower every day. A love life is out of the question.
He kept asking me if I wanted this to work out and I kept saying that I did, but I didn't think it's possible. Now, I’m not so sure I do. I don’t want to end a marriage, but the unstable marriage I would be continuing in… that’s not where I want to be either. He’s an alcoholic and there’s always the chance of relapse (especially since he’s not in a program). I don’t want to live with that possibility. I want more children, but I feel it would be irresponsible of me to do that with him. Marriage to someone you’re afraid to have more children with just seems wrong to me. I’m also not sure I could forgive him for what he’s done. I’d like to think I can. I’m just not sure it’s in me.
I keep thinking… I lied to him. I don't want this to work. The marriage we’d save, even if he was sober and all our problems were magically solved… I don’t think it’s enough for me. I'd still have the "what if's" and the memories of the pan he's caused. I still think I’d be happier alone. It all comes down to… I don’t have a reason to keep him in my life.
Does this make sense?