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02-04-2009, 08:41 AM

# 15 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

This is going to be long, sorry. Screaming really strikes a chord with me; it is nothing but vulgar when a grown adult resorts to screaming as a way to communicate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilytoo

My dad comes home and if he finds one little flaw in the house...he'll just complain, complain and scream!

Your post brings back such memories of me sitting in my room, and being scared ******** by my mom's sudden screaming at someone who left dishes in the living room (come on, is that really worth screaming about?). When I was a teenager, my mom was always blowing off her anger because she was so angry with AF but didn't know how to confront him. Mind you it's pretty hard to confront someone who "never does anything wrong" (my AF's words, seriously).

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilytoo

My mom is random...tells me i did a good job at cleaning my room or vacuuming...but then she just tells me to vacuum again, after i just did the same thing...

And this totally reminds me of my AF. I saw it as his half-assed attempt to parent - to say something so that he could tell himself he was a good parent by assigning chores. He was also always telling my mom to lighten up.

This is one suggestion, but try having a talk with your father about the screaming, because this is not a way to live. Tell him if he's angry at mom, then go scream at mom. Tell him that if he's screaming at you because he's angry at mom, you're not going to listen. Then walk away, repeating if he follows, "I can't hear you when you're screaming."

Go ahead and point out that it wouldn't have mattered if the floor was vacuumed, because he was going to complain/scream anyway, right? Your dad needs to realize the environment he's created: you can't win. It doesn't matter what you do - dad is going to complain/scream anyway. So why listen. Nothing you do will ever be good enough to fix his unhappiness.

Seriously, reward him with calm, open communication ONLY when he is willing to respect you with the same. Otherwise don't engage. Get your sister to back you up on this. Work what limited options you have as a kid who is still (by law) dependent on their parents.

IMO your dad is so immersed in your mom's behavior that he probably hasn't even noticed you're a teenager now. Thus, he needs to change how he interacts with you, because you're not a child anymore. Believe me, when you're the second child this is very easy for parents to forget.

Plus anger and depression are two sides of the same coin, IMO. I think your dad is very depressed, but is expressing it through anger. And he's done it for so long that it's become a way of life. Right now he doesn't have the ability to plan for the future - only the short-term ability to plan from one alcohol-christened crisis to the next. He's missing out on your last years in the house, and he doesn't even realize it. Believe me, if he's yelling that much, it means he hasn't even thought about you and your sister growing into adults and leaving one day. He's taking you for granted that you'll always be home to come and scream to.

I really feel for you and your sister. My sister and I went through a very similar experience growing up - just the constant screaming and an alcoholic who hardly noticed if we were around. Have faith in yourself to come through this on top