Helpless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
Helpless.
Hi Everyone, first of all thank you for taking your time in reading my post, it means a lot because I am really at the end of the rope here.
I really don't know how I can summarize my problem but I will try as best as I can.
I had a real rough time with my parents growing up. My dads a stubborn European and my mom..well, she drank. My mom would make me feel embarrassed, guilty, stupid, horrible..all of the above with things she use to yell at me about, but at this time i never realized she had a drinking problem. Through-out the years countless friends or family of friends have asked if my mom has had a drinking problem, but I always thought it was normal to have 2+ glasses of wine when we go out...It never hit me or maybe I was in denial..that seeing my mom never drink anything else then wine or other alcohol was abnormal until recently.
It's gotten worse over the past year, I come home and she sometimes can't even put her sentences together when she talks, or she tells me things she's told me before because she can't remember what she said the night before. Crazy mood swings, broke the door window once..She humiliated me and accused me of being "obsessive" of my boyfriend Right in front of him, she's gone off to his parents house after finding out we were sexual and told them it was my fault while guzzling back wine.. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to be around her. I get so annoyed when she's around.
My father has tried to talk to her but that hasn't changed anything. She tried to stop for 2 weeks but that didn't last long because as soon as 1 bottle of wine was put in that fridge it was gone in a heartbeat. I gave her my support and knew it would be a hard road but had faith in her...now it's just gone. My younger sister gets upset about it but drifts away from my mom even more. Recently I found a huge stash of alcohol in her office. 3 bottles of wine, two empty, and 6 bottles of Heineken beer, 3 empty.
It hurts me so much that I have finally accepted the fact that she has a problem and that it has put a huge scar on my childhood forever with every tear I cried because of what my mom did or said to me. I don't know what to say to her...and to make matters worse she is taking High BP medication but i highly doubt her doctor knows she's drinking and I just googled all of them and they are all effected by alcohol intake.
A part of me just wants to ignore her and let her deal with it herself. I don't drink because of her, and I don't plan on her taking care of my children in the future if she still has this problem. She always goes on about other peoples problem but thinks hers is no biggy.
I just feel hopeless and I dont want to make this all about me but it's effecting my family as well. Should I tell our family doctor? I don't ever get this off my chest, I don't want to put this on my boyfriends shoulders or any of my friends so this is my only place.
If anyone has any opinions or suggestions please share..I don't know anymore.
I really don't know how I can summarize my problem but I will try as best as I can.
I had a real rough time with my parents growing up. My dads a stubborn European and my mom..well, she drank. My mom would make me feel embarrassed, guilty, stupid, horrible..all of the above with things she use to yell at me about, but at this time i never realized she had a drinking problem. Through-out the years countless friends or family of friends have asked if my mom has had a drinking problem, but I always thought it was normal to have 2+ glasses of wine when we go out...It never hit me or maybe I was in denial..that seeing my mom never drink anything else then wine or other alcohol was abnormal until recently.
It's gotten worse over the past year, I come home and she sometimes can't even put her sentences together when she talks, or she tells me things she's told me before because she can't remember what she said the night before. Crazy mood swings, broke the door window once..She humiliated me and accused me of being "obsessive" of my boyfriend Right in front of him, she's gone off to his parents house after finding out we were sexual and told them it was my fault while guzzling back wine.. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to be around her. I get so annoyed when she's around.
My father has tried to talk to her but that hasn't changed anything. She tried to stop for 2 weeks but that didn't last long because as soon as 1 bottle of wine was put in that fridge it was gone in a heartbeat. I gave her my support and knew it would be a hard road but had faith in her...now it's just gone. My younger sister gets upset about it but drifts away from my mom even more. Recently I found a huge stash of alcohol in her office. 3 bottles of wine, two empty, and 6 bottles of Heineken beer, 3 empty.
It hurts me so much that I have finally accepted the fact that she has a problem and that it has put a huge scar on my childhood forever with every tear I cried because of what my mom did or said to me. I don't know what to say to her...and to make matters worse she is taking High BP medication but i highly doubt her doctor knows she's drinking and I just googled all of them and they are all effected by alcohol intake.
A part of me just wants to ignore her and let her deal with it herself. I don't drink because of her, and I don't plan on her taking care of my children in the future if she still has this problem. She always goes on about other peoples problem but thinks hers is no biggy.
I just feel hopeless and I dont want to make this all about me but it's effecting my family as well. Should I tell our family doctor? I don't ever get this off my chest, I don't want to put this on my boyfriends shoulders or any of my friends so this is my only place.
If anyone has any opinions or suggestions please share..I don't know anymore.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((darkhunter))
Welcome to SR and welcome to our family
You will find many of us have loved ones that are controlled by this awful disease - addiction, alcoholism, etc.
It is cunning, baffling and powerful - It does take them away from us and break our hearts.
But the good news is there is HOPE - Hope for you! You can learn how to take care of yourself and have a happy life regardless of their actions. It isn't easy - it takes time, work and determination - but we are working on that and will be glad to help you along your way.
Please keep reaching out for help - if you can attend some Al-Anon/Alateen meetings, read some of the literature and again - keep posting here! There are lots of resources to help you deal with your Mother's drinking - Most of all remember -
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Sending out thoughts of peace and love to you,
Rita
Welcome to SR and welcome to our family
You will find many of us have loved ones that are controlled by this awful disease - addiction, alcoholism, etc.
It is cunning, baffling and powerful - It does take them away from us and break our hearts.
But the good news is there is HOPE - Hope for you! You can learn how to take care of yourself and have a happy life regardless of their actions. It isn't easy - it takes time, work and determination - but we are working on that and will be glad to help you along your way.
Please keep reaching out for help - if you can attend some Al-Anon/Alateen meetings, read some of the literature and again - keep posting here! There are lots of resources to help you deal with your Mother's drinking - Most of all remember -
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Sending out thoughts of peace and love to you,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
Thank you Japic and everyone for your support.
I am still upset about this discovery of my mothers stash. I've been giving her the cold shoulder lately. I'm not one to point out whats wrong, but every part of me wants to walk over to her stash and point at it and say "THIS IS WHY IM UPSET" but fear that it will not do anything or make the situation worse.. She keeps asking why I haven't talked to her, tries to bring up conversation to only annoy me more because I can tell she has already been drinking today. Its making me sleepless at night, I have anxiety-ish dreams with her and her drinking, My sister is avoiding her because she's in a weird mood and I just don't know what to do.
I am still upset about this discovery of my mothers stash. I've been giving her the cold shoulder lately. I'm not one to point out whats wrong, but every part of me wants to walk over to her stash and point at it and say "THIS IS WHY IM UPSET" but fear that it will not do anything or make the situation worse.. She keeps asking why I haven't talked to her, tries to bring up conversation to only annoy me more because I can tell she has already been drinking today. Its making me sleepless at night, I have anxiety-ish dreams with her and her drinking, My sister is avoiding her because she's in a weird mood and I just don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey darkhunter. Wow, it sounds like your mom's drinking is having quite a powerful impact on you and your entire family. You're sister is going through a whirlwind of emotions too, from the sounds of it. This is not healthy for either of you.
I'm just wondering how old are you? Last year of high school-ish?
Have you ever thought about Al-anon? Just to have a place to acknowledge the tremendous stress your mom is creating for you. It sounds like you've done everything you can - you've even accepted that this is going to leave a scar on your life. It sounds like you're at a pretty low point if it's come to that - accepting that you are 100% powerless to change your mom. But even that's not going to be enough, because your mom is still going to continue to act irresponsibly and she will continue to hurt you. So what can *you* do to help how you are dealing with it?
If Al-anon isn't your thing, find out what services are in your area that provide counselling (they exist). Especially if you are young, the ministry of child and family services may provide access to a counsellor for you. They might be slow (government stuff always is, it seems like), but you will get to talk to someone eventually. If you're not in Canada, start looking around the nurse's station for pamphlets - even on depression. Ask the school nurse or counsellor for advice (IMO school counsellors aren't there to emotionally support students, so don't expect direct help from them). Either way, the important thing is that you find a safe, healthy way to get your frustration with your mom OUT. You don't deserve to carry it all inside all the time. What about you and what you want for your life? How can you possibly make good decisions for your future when you can't even concentrate at home because of the drinking?
If talking to someone face-to-face seems too intimidating right now, there's still other things you can do for your own benefit. Journalling is one idea. Take some time to write down each day how you are feeling. You don't have to keep it, and it doesn't have to be an essay. Just write. It will help unload some of the frustration.
The other thing you can try is read. There are some excellent books out there for Adult Children of Alcoholics. If you're interested, I can message you with some recommendations that worked for me. People have gone through what you're going through now. It might help to read about their stories, and draw some anecdotal evidence for yourself. This forum is certainly a wealth of valuable experiences shared.
This may seem like a lot of work that's totally unfair. After all, you're not hurting people, so why should *you* have to be the one to make the changes? Look at it this way. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to take care of yourself. And since your mom is not teaching you AT ALL, the only thing you can do to make it fair is learn to help yourself. You can't change your mom, but you don't have to accept the scar for what it is now either. Don't let her steal from your start on life.
As for dealing with your mom at home... One thing I started saying to my AF who had to be tanked at every special occassion was, "I'll talk to you when you're sober - not when you're drunk." It was one tool for minimizing toxic conversations. It made him angry, but at least I didn't have to listen to the hurtful barbs that he wouldn't remember saying the next morning.
I'm just wondering how old are you? Last year of high school-ish?
Have you ever thought about Al-anon? Just to have a place to acknowledge the tremendous stress your mom is creating for you. It sounds like you've done everything you can - you've even accepted that this is going to leave a scar on your life. It sounds like you're at a pretty low point if it's come to that - accepting that you are 100% powerless to change your mom. But even that's not going to be enough, because your mom is still going to continue to act irresponsibly and she will continue to hurt you. So what can *you* do to help how you are dealing with it?
If Al-anon isn't your thing, find out what services are in your area that provide counselling (they exist). Especially if you are young, the ministry of child and family services may provide access to a counsellor for you. They might be slow (government stuff always is, it seems like), but you will get to talk to someone eventually. If you're not in Canada, start looking around the nurse's station for pamphlets - even on depression. Ask the school nurse or counsellor for advice (IMO school counsellors aren't there to emotionally support students, so don't expect direct help from them). Either way, the important thing is that you find a safe, healthy way to get your frustration with your mom OUT. You don't deserve to carry it all inside all the time. What about you and what you want for your life? How can you possibly make good decisions for your future when you can't even concentrate at home because of the drinking?
If talking to someone face-to-face seems too intimidating right now, there's still other things you can do for your own benefit. Journalling is one idea. Take some time to write down each day how you are feeling. You don't have to keep it, and it doesn't have to be an essay. Just write. It will help unload some of the frustration.
The other thing you can try is read. There are some excellent books out there for Adult Children of Alcoholics. If you're interested, I can message you with some recommendations that worked for me. People have gone through what you're going through now. It might help to read about their stories, and draw some anecdotal evidence for yourself. This forum is certainly a wealth of valuable experiences shared.
This may seem like a lot of work that's totally unfair. After all, you're not hurting people, so why should *you* have to be the one to make the changes? Look at it this way. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to take care of yourself. And since your mom is not teaching you AT ALL, the only thing you can do to make it fair is learn to help yourself. You can't change your mom, but you don't have to accept the scar for what it is now either. Don't let her steal from your start on life.
As for dealing with your mom at home... One thing I started saying to my AF who had to be tanked at every special occassion was, "I'll talk to you when you're sober - not when you're drunk." It was one tool for minimizing toxic conversations. It made him angry, but at least I didn't have to listen to the hurtful barbs that he wouldn't remember saying the next morning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by dothi 
Hey darkhunter. Wow, it sounds like your mom's drinking is having quite a powerful impact on you and your entire family. You're sister is going through a whirlwind of emotions too, from the sounds of it. This is not healthy for either of you.
I'm just wondering how old are you? Last year of high school-ish?
Have you ever thought about Al-anon? Just to have a place to acknowledge the tremendous stress your mom is creating for you. It sounds like you've done everything you can - you've even accepted that this is going to leave a scar on your life. It sounds like you're at a pretty low point if it's come to that - accepting that you are 100% powerless to change your mom. But even that's not going to be enough, because your mom is still going to continue to act irresponsibly and she will continue to hurt you. So what can *you* do to help how you are dealing with it?
If Al-anon isn't your thing, find out what services are in your area that provide counselling (they exist). Especially if you are young, the ministry of child and family services may provide access to a counsellor for you. They might be slow (government stuff always is, it seems like), but you will get to talk to someone eventually. If you're not in Canada, start looking around the nurse's station for pamphlets - even on depression. Ask the school nurse or counsellor for advice (IMO school counsellors aren't there to emotionally support students, so don't expect direct help from them). Either way, the important thing is that you find a safe, healthy way to get your frustration with your mom OUT. You don't deserve to carry it all inside all the time. What about you and what you want for your life? How can you possibly make good decisions for your future when you can't even concentrate at home because of the drinking?
If talking to someone face-to-face seems too intimidating right now, there's still other things you can do for your own benefit. Journalling is one idea. Take some time to write down each day how you are feeling. You don't have to keep it, and it doesn't have to be an essay. Just write. It will help unload some of the frustration.
The other thing you can try is read. There are some excellent books out there for Adult Children of Alcoholics. If you're interested, I can message you with some recommendations that worked for me. People have gone through what you're going through now. It might help to read about their stories, and draw some anecdotal evidence for yourself. This forum is certainly a wealth of valuable experiences shared.
This may seem like a lot of work that's totally unfair. After all, you're not hurting people, so why should *you* have to be the one to make the changes? Look at it this way. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to take care of yourself. And since your mom is not teaching you AT ALL, the only thing you can do to make it fair is learn to help yourself. You can't change your mom, but you don't have to accept the scar for what it is now either. Don't let her steal from your start on life.
As for dealing with your mom at home... One thing I started saying to my AF who had to be tanked at every special occassion was, "I'll talk to you when you're sober - not when you're drunk." It was one tool for minimizing toxic conversations. It made him angry, but at least I didn't have to listen to the hurtful barbs that he wouldn't remember saying the next morning.
I'm just wondering how old are you? Last year of high school-ish?
Have you ever thought about Al-anon? Just to have a place to acknowledge the tremendous stress your mom is creating for you. It sounds like you've done everything you can - you've even accepted that this is going to leave a scar on your life. It sounds like you're at a pretty low point if it's come to that - accepting that you are 100% powerless to change your mom. But even that's not going to be enough, because your mom is still going to continue to act irresponsibly and she will continue to hurt you. So what can *you* do to help how you are dealing with it?
If Al-anon isn't your thing, find out what services are in your area that provide counselling (they exist). Especially if you are young, the ministry of child and family services may provide access to a counsellor for you. They might be slow (government stuff always is, it seems like), but you will get to talk to someone eventually. If you're not in Canada, start looking around the nurse's station for pamphlets - even on depression. Ask the school nurse or counsellor for advice (IMO school counsellors aren't there to emotionally support students, so don't expect direct help from them). Either way, the important thing is that you find a safe, healthy way to get your frustration with your mom OUT. You don't deserve to carry it all inside all the time. What about you and what you want for your life? How can you possibly make good decisions for your future when you can't even concentrate at home because of the drinking?
If talking to someone face-to-face seems too intimidating right now, there's still other things you can do for your own benefit. Journalling is one idea. Take some time to write down each day how you are feeling. You don't have to keep it, and it doesn't have to be an essay. Just write. It will help unload some of the frustration.
The other thing you can try is read. There are some excellent books out there for Adult Children of Alcoholics. If you're interested, I can message you with some recommendations that worked for me. People have gone through what you're going through now. It might help to read about their stories, and draw some anecdotal evidence for yourself. This forum is certainly a wealth of valuable experiences shared.
This may seem like a lot of work that's totally unfair. After all, you're not hurting people, so why should *you* have to be the one to make the changes? Look at it this way. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to take care of yourself. And since your mom is not teaching you AT ALL, the only thing you can do to make it fair is learn to help yourself. You can't change your mom, but you don't have to accept the scar for what it is now either. Don't let her steal from your start on life.
As for dealing with your mom at home... One thing I started saying to my AF who had to be tanked at every special occassion was, "I'll talk to you when you're sober - not when you're drunk." It was one tool for minimizing toxic conversations. It made him angry, but at least I didn't have to listen to the hurtful barbs that he wouldn't remember saying the next morning.
A journal sounds like a good idea and I think i need to re-start one because bottling all these feelings up is just unfair to myself. Thank you for the suggestions especially to how to deal with my mom when she is trying to talk to me...really cannot thank you enough.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey darkhunter, I'm an older sister too. The adults at my high school were also jerks. They told me the same thing - it wasn't a big deal, I was being melodramatic. They shut me down before I could even open up. It was very clear that they didn't want to hear or help me with my problems. It's almost like you're supposed to wait until you grow up all screwed up and THEN get help. Don't listen to them. You know it's a big deal - that should be enough. I'm very angry to hear that you've gotten the same treatment I did. Very few people in my high school years let me know that it was WRONG for my AF to show up drunk to drive me home. Even fewer people could not understand that the drinking couldn't be ignored. You were dealing with it every moment you were at home.
What was gold was that the people who did let me know it was a problem REALLY made it clear that it was a problem (one of my friends even cried to her mother when she saw how drunk my AF was when he picked me up from her house; she pleaded to call my mom and make sure I got home alive).
Re: boyfriend. Unless you grow up with an alcoholic, it's almost impossible to understand what you're dealing with. All he can do is listen, and try to fix it (IMO guys have a tendency to "fix" problems - it's how they feel helpful, but they don't always understand that sometimes you just need someone to listen) - I think you know this already. Your boyfriend's practical solutions (tell her to stop, drain alcohol) are caring, but he doesn't know how to help you. That's not his fault, nor is it yours.
Have you and your sister ever talked about how you feel about your mom's drinking? "Don't say anything" is one of those powerful rules in families with alcoholism. Don't do ANYTHING to suggest the drinking is a problem, right? Consider pointing your sister towards this forum. My sister and I never talked until long after we had both moved out of the house and were in our 20s. It's weird, because even though we grew up together, we have nothing in common except for that. These days when our parents' craziness bears down on us, we have each other to vent to. It's not a perfect system, but it's irreplaceable because I know she's the only one who REALLY understands what it was like to grow up in that house.
If you're into reading, try these two books. I found them both at the local library. It was very therapeutic just to read how much validation these books offered; I've cried at how textbook my family really is when it comes to the drinking. I really recommend...
The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet Woititz and Robert Ackerman
Perfect Daughters (Revised Edition) by Robert J. Ackerman
Hang in there. I mean it 100% when I say don't let the alcoholic steal from your life. Because that's what it is - a sunk cost. Just a pit you're throwing your energy into with no future return. That energy could be going elsewhere - into yourself, your future, and your happiness. I'm not saying be selfish and self-centered. But I am suggesting that you re-balance your life, so that you're getting a better deal. If your mom makes you feel guilty, come back and read the forum stickies on guilt. And definitely post again anytime.
What was gold was that the people who did let me know it was a problem REALLY made it clear that it was a problem (one of my friends even cried to her mother when she saw how drunk my AF was when he picked me up from her house; she pleaded to call my mom and make sure I got home alive).
Re: boyfriend. Unless you grow up with an alcoholic, it's almost impossible to understand what you're dealing with. All he can do is listen, and try to fix it (IMO guys have a tendency to "fix" problems - it's how they feel helpful, but they don't always understand that sometimes you just need someone to listen) - I think you know this already. Your boyfriend's practical solutions (tell her to stop, drain alcohol) are caring, but he doesn't know how to help you. That's not his fault, nor is it yours.
Have you and your sister ever talked about how you feel about your mom's drinking? "Don't say anything" is one of those powerful rules in families with alcoholism. Don't do ANYTHING to suggest the drinking is a problem, right? Consider pointing your sister towards this forum. My sister and I never talked until long after we had both moved out of the house and were in our 20s. It's weird, because even though we grew up together, we have nothing in common except for that. These days when our parents' craziness bears down on us, we have each other to vent to. It's not a perfect system, but it's irreplaceable because I know she's the only one who REALLY understands what it was like to grow up in that house.
If you're into reading, try these two books. I found them both at the local library. It was very therapeutic just to read how much validation these books offered; I've cried at how textbook my family really is when it comes to the drinking. I really recommend...
The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet Woititz and Robert Ackerman
Perfect Daughters (Revised Edition) by Robert J. Ackerman
Hang in there. I mean it 100% when I say don't let the alcoholic steal from your life. Because that's what it is - a sunk cost. Just a pit you're throwing your energy into with no future return. That energy could be going elsewhere - into yourself, your future, and your happiness. I'm not saying be selfish and self-centered. But I am suggesting that you re-balance your life, so that you're getting a better deal. If your mom makes you feel guilty, come back and read the forum stickies on guilt. And definitely post again anytime.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Darkhunter,
By coming here you have made progress, alot, for yourself. I can't add anything to the great advice you have already recieved, except that I really admire your initiative for asking for help and describing your situation so well.
I hope you and your sister can focus on keeping free of the brain-twisting effects of living with an alcoholic. As with all alcoholics, you mom must make the choice for sobriety on her own - but there is always hope that she will make that choice.
By coming here you have made progress, alot, for yourself. I can't add anything to the great advice you have already recieved, except that I really admire your initiative for asking for help and describing your situation so well.
I hope you and your sister can focus on keeping free of the brain-twisting effects of living with an alcoholic. As with all alcoholics, you mom must make the choice for sobriety on her own - but there is always hope that she will make that choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
darkhunter, I can understand totally about people telling you that it's no big deal, that you're over reacting. I had the same thing from family, friends and even teachers as a teenager. Like you, I also had a mother that, when drunk, would yell nasty things at me, embarrass me horribly in front of people and then tell me that there was nothing wrong with her. That put me at such a low point that I really did think I must be over reacting and it must be my fault. I still struggle with that legacy now, but I see a very good therapist and she has gradually made me realise that I did suffer consequences of my mother's alcoholism and that I have a right to ask for support while I try to feel better about myself and my life. You deserve that too. I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting before, but I know that plucking up the courage to talk with someone that understands is probably the most positive thing I've ever done so if you do feel able to attend a meeting, I hope it will be just as positive for you. Coming here and trying to talk to people at your school is a very big step and you should be proud of that.
As Dothi said with regards to your boyfriend, I'm sure he really wants to help but cannot fully understand if he hasn't been there himself. It helped me to ask my BF if sometimes I could just talk-that he didn't have to answer or suggest anything, but just listen. Sometimes that is the most wonderful thing someone can do for you.
The books that Dothi has suggested are very good. If you can get hold of copies of them they really are worth having. I hope that you find this site as helpful as I have
As Dothi said with regards to your boyfriend, I'm sure he really wants to help but cannot fully understand if he hasn't been there himself. It helped me to ask my BF if sometimes I could just talk-that he didn't have to answer or suggest anything, but just listen. Sometimes that is the most wonderful thing someone can do for you.
The books that Dothi has suggested are very good. If you can get hold of copies of them they really are worth having. I hope that you find this site as helpful as I have
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by darkhunter76
Hi Everyone, first of all thank you for taking your time in reading my post, it means a lot because I am really at the end of the rope here.
I really don't know how I can summarize my problem but I will try as best as I can.
I had a real rough time with my parents growing up. My dads a stubborn European and my mom..well, she drank. My mom would make me feel embarrassed, guilty, stupid, horrible..all of the above with things she use to yell at me about, but at this time i never realized she had a drinking problem. Through-out the years countless friends or family of friends have asked if my mom has had a drinking problem, but I always thought it was normal to have 2+ glasses of wine when we go out...It never hit me or maybe I was in denial..that seeing my mom never drink anything else then wine or other alcohol was abnormal until recently.
It's gotten worse over the past year, I come home and she sometimes can't even put her sentences together when she talks, or she tells me things she's told me before because she can't remember what she said the night before. Crazy mood swings, broke the door window once..She humiliated me and accused me of being "obsessive" of my boyfriend Right in front of him, she's gone off to his parents house after finding out we were sexual and told them it was my fault while guzzling back wine.. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to be around her. I get so annoyed when she's around.
My father has tried to talk to her but that hasn't changed anything. She tried to stop for 2 weeks but that didn't last long because as soon as 1 bottle of wine was put in that fridge it was gone in a heartbeat. I gave her my support and knew it would be a hard road but had faith in her...now it's just gone. My younger sister gets upset about it but drifts away from my mom even more. Recently I found a huge stash of alcohol in her office. 3 bottles of wine, two empty, and 6 bottles of Heineken beer, 3 empty.
It hurts me so much that I have finally accepted the fact that she has a problem and that it has put a huge scar on my childhood forever with every tear I cried because of what my mom did or said to me. I don't know what to say to her...and to make matters worse she is taking High BP medication but i highly doubt her doctor knows she's drinking and I just googled all of them and they are all effected by alcohol intake.
A part of me just wants to ignore her and let her deal with it herself. I don't drink because of her, and I don't plan on her taking care of my children in the future if she still has this problem. She always goes on about other peoples problem but thinks hers is no biggy.
I just feel hopeless and I dont want to make this all about me but it's effecting my family as well. Should I tell our family doctor? I don't ever get this off my chest, I don't want to put this on my boyfriends shoulders or any of my friends so this is my only place.
If anyone has any opinions or suggestions please share..I don't know anymore.
I really don't know how I can summarize my problem but I will try as best as I can.
I had a real rough time with my parents growing up. My dads a stubborn European and my mom..well, she drank. My mom would make me feel embarrassed, guilty, stupid, horrible..all of the above with things she use to yell at me about, but at this time i never realized she had a drinking problem. Through-out the years countless friends or family of friends have asked if my mom has had a drinking problem, but I always thought it was normal to have 2+ glasses of wine when we go out...It never hit me or maybe I was in denial..that seeing my mom never drink anything else then wine or other alcohol was abnormal until recently.
It's gotten worse over the past year, I come home and she sometimes can't even put her sentences together when she talks, or she tells me things she's told me before because she can't remember what she said the night before. Crazy mood swings, broke the door window once..She humiliated me and accused me of being "obsessive" of my boyfriend Right in front of him, she's gone off to his parents house after finding out we were sexual and told them it was my fault while guzzling back wine.. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to be around her. I get so annoyed when she's around.
My father has tried to talk to her but that hasn't changed anything. She tried to stop for 2 weeks but that didn't last long because as soon as 1 bottle of wine was put in that fridge it was gone in a heartbeat. I gave her my support and knew it would be a hard road but had faith in her...now it's just gone. My younger sister gets upset about it but drifts away from my mom even more. Recently I found a huge stash of alcohol in her office. 3 bottles of wine, two empty, and 6 bottles of Heineken beer, 3 empty.
It hurts me so much that I have finally accepted the fact that she has a problem and that it has put a huge scar on my childhood forever with every tear I cried because of what my mom did or said to me. I don't know what to say to her...and to make matters worse she is taking High BP medication but i highly doubt her doctor knows she's drinking and I just googled all of them and they are all effected by alcohol intake.
A part of me just wants to ignore her and let her deal with it herself. I don't drink because of her, and I don't plan on her taking care of my children in the future if she still has this problem. She always goes on about other peoples problem but thinks hers is no biggy.
I just feel hopeless and I dont want to make this all about me but it's effecting my family as well. Should I tell our family doctor? I don't ever get this off my chest, I don't want to put this on my boyfriends shoulders or any of my friends so this is my only place.
If anyone has any opinions or suggestions please share..I don't know anymore.
Hi people..thanks for replying to my sisters post up there...this is obviously her little sister; What she has said about our mom making us feel embarrassed, guilty, stupid, horrible and basically all of the above, I've gone through it all.
I'm really confused...sometimes, if she asks me to come shopping with her... it's hard to deny, with all the kinds of drinking she's been doing i don't know what her reaction would be: crying, screaming...i don't know. There's other times when she's just so...drunk.. that she doesn't know what she's saying, i joke around and it turns into some huge argument, just like whatever i said just flipped around in her head and...came out totally wrong. She complains about not being as close as other mothers and daughters... i finally open up to her, but whenever my turn comes to talk to her about something she's there pouring wine down her throat like it was some...party or something. I don't like it... i don't like it at all... i just wanna leave, but there's no possible way of leaving if i come back to the exact same thing.
I don't know how to help, i pray...still thinking of all the times she has put me through such disgrace, it's not right..and I'm clueless.
My dad doesn't help, he just sneaks her the alcohol when me and my sis aren't looking.
That stash that my sister found...doesn't fix anything, just leaves more questions in need to be answered.
It's hard to say... i've talked to my best friend about it, she's the shoulder i need when i'm overly upset and literally need to just bawl my eyes out or just to keep me hanging on and to believe there's hope... but is there hope?
My sister has picked up most of the points...just my point of view here,
I'm just asking for help, like i said i want to leave but, i know my mom will over react...while guzzling back her freakin' wine that i just wanna blow up and take away from her forever. She's a delinquent i admit...but i don't like to admit it...at all.
It might not exactly hit me as much as my sister but, i'm not looking forward to what my mom will do to me in the future.
I feel like so guilty when she's like this and it's not right, the way she makes me feel...just doesn't work.
And yes, it has been getting worse in the past year, and it's gotten to a point where...help is really needed.
That's all i have to say.
Thank you for reading this.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
You both are in a really tough situation, and it is great that you support each other.
Keep looking for an adult that you can trust for some advice. Some suggestions: teachers, coaches, and pastors. I have worked in schools and you would be surprised at how much teachers want to help - even the tough ones. But you have to ask them first. They can't just come out and say 'Tell me about your alcoholic parent', although many can tell when students are going through stress.
Look for those alanon and alateen meetings. A friend of mine attended a alateen meeting as she was interested in starting one for the kids in her home town. She was blown away. The adults were there to supervise, but the kids pretty much ran the meeting. There was lots of great sharing and everyone had a chance to talk if they wanted to. Like any alanon meeting, you can just listen and you don't have to talk.
And of course, keep posting here with your progress, frustrations, rants, and little celebrations.
Keep looking for an adult that you can trust for some advice. Some suggestions: teachers, coaches, and pastors. I have worked in schools and you would be surprised at how much teachers want to help - even the tough ones. But you have to ask them first. They can't just come out and say 'Tell me about your alcoholic parent', although many can tell when students are going through stress.
Look for those alanon and alateen meetings. A friend of mine attended a alateen meeting as she was interested in starting one for the kids in her home town. She was blown away. The adults were there to supervise, but the kids pretty much ran the meeting. There was lots of great sharing and everyone had a chance to talk if they wanted to. Like any alanon meeting, you can just listen and you don't have to talk.
And of course, keep posting here with your progress, frustrations, rants, and little celebrations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Lenore
darkhunter, I can understand totally about people telling you that it's no big deal, that you're over reacting. I had the same thing from family, friends and even teachers as a teenager. Like you, I also had a mother that, when drunk, would yell nasty things at me, embarrass me horribly in front of people and then tell me that there was nothing wrong with her. That put me at such a low point that I really did think I must be over reacting and it must be my fault. I still struggle with that legacy now, but I see a very good therapist and she has gradually made me realise that I did suffer consequences of my mother's alcoholism and that I have a right to ask for support while I try to feel better about myself and my life. You deserve that too. I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting before, but I know that plucking up the courage to talk with someone that understands is probably the most positive thing I've ever done so if you do feel able to attend a meeting, I hope it will be just as positive for you. Coming here and trying to talk to people at your school is a very big step and you should be proud of that.
As Dothi said with regards to your boyfriend, I'm sure he really wants to help but cannot fully understand if he hasn't been there himself. It helped me to ask my BF if sometimes I could just talk-that he didn't have to answer or suggest anything, but just listen. Sometimes that is the most wonderful thing someone can do for you.
The books that Dothi has suggested are very good. If you can get hold of copies of them they really are worth having. I hope that you find this site as helpful as I have
As Dothi said with regards to your boyfriend, I'm sure he really wants to help but cannot fully understand if he hasn't been there himself. It helped me to ask my BF if sometimes I could just talk-that he didn't have to answer or suggest anything, but just listen. Sometimes that is the most wonderful thing someone can do for you.
The books that Dothi has suggested are very good. If you can get hold of copies of them they really are worth having. I hope that you find this site as helpful as I have
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Dark & Ily))
my heart goes out to both of YOU!! You are both such brave young women!!!
Thank you both for reaching out for help - you have no idea how you have already started the path to stop the cycle of alcoholism and it's destructive manner in your life and in your future.
This is what gives me hope. I have 5 daughters of my own that where raised in a home with alcoholism/addiction. I have tried to help them with how they were affected by the disease of addiciton - see you both seek help gives me hope that they will seek help also.
Their father, my soon to be ex, is an alcoholic/addict and we all have issues, pain, scars and wounds from living with that for many years. He is a really wonderful man, (like so many A's) when he is sober - when he is not - he is a different person. Never physically abusive - just emotionally abusive and manipulative.
The program of Al-Anon has helped me tremendously - Their literature and SR is great - I do want to keep encouraging both of you - read on this forum and our other forums for help -
it has been part of the lifesavor of Recovery for me - I pray it helps both of you too!!
HUGS,
Rita
my heart goes out to both of YOU!! You are both such brave young women!!!
Thank you both for reaching out for help - you have no idea how you have already started the path to stop the cycle of alcoholism and it's destructive manner in your life and in your future.
This is what gives me hope. I have 5 daughters of my own that where raised in a home with alcoholism/addiction. I have tried to help them with how they were affected by the disease of addiciton - see you both seek help gives me hope that they will seek help also.
Their father, my soon to be ex, is an alcoholic/addict and we all have issues, pain, scars and wounds from living with that for many years. He is a really wonderful man, (like so many A's) when he is sober - when he is not - he is a different person. Never physically abusive - just emotionally abusive and manipulative.
The program of Al-Anon has helped me tremendously - Their literature and SR is great - I do want to keep encouraging both of you - read on this forum and our other forums for help -
it has been part of the lifesavor of Recovery for me - I pray it helps both of you too!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5
It's also really bugging me...
I try to pull through the way i'm living now, have a happy life...ignore the parents. But my mom and dad just keep pushing me around.
My dad comes home and if he finds one little flaw in the house...he'll just complain, complain and scream!
"You're such a slob, you're so lazy, get off the computer for once...god damn!"
That doesn't help! thank you very much!
My mom is random...tells me i did a good job at cleaning my room or vacuuming...but then she just tells me to vacuum again, after i just did the same thing...
Confusion...i hate it.
Also... i was searching for something in her office and decided to check out her stash...it's gotten bigger and i'm stressed about it....still don't know what to do.
sorry, just feelings i'm letting out...
I try to pull through the way i'm living now, have a happy life...ignore the parents. But my mom and dad just keep pushing me around.
My dad comes home and if he finds one little flaw in the house...he'll just complain, complain and scream!
"You're such a slob, you're so lazy, get off the computer for once...god damn!"
That doesn't help! thank you very much!
My mom is random...tells me i did a good job at cleaning my room or vacuuming...but then she just tells me to vacuum again, after i just did the same thing...
Confusion...i hate it.
Also... i was searching for something in her office and decided to check out her stash...it's gotten bigger and i'm stressed about it....still don't know what to do.
sorry, just feelings i'm letting out...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Ily))
It's not your fault, sweetie!!
Although it does not excuse your Dad's behavior - he is probably venting at you about the sitatution - taking out the stress of her drinking on you. That's not right probably nothing you can do to change that - but please know it's NOT about YOU.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
That is not your job, honey!!!!!!
You keep letting those feelings out - that's exactly what we are here for!!!
HUGS to you!
Rita
It's not your fault, sweetie!!
Although it does not excuse your Dad's behavior - he is probably venting at you about the sitatution - taking out the stress of her drinking on you. That's not right probably nothing you can do to change that - but please know it's NOT about YOU.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
That is not your job, honey!!!!!!
You keep letting those feelings out - that's exactly what we are here for!!!
HUGS to you!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
This is going to be long, sorry. Screaming really strikes a chord with me; it is nothing but vulgar when a grown adult resorts to screaming as a way to communicate.
Your post brings back such memories of me sitting in my room, and being scared ******** by my mom's sudden screaming at someone who left dishes in the living room (come on, is that really worth screaming about?). When I was a teenager, my mom was always blowing off her anger because she was so angry with AF but didn't know how to confront him. Mind you it's pretty hard to confront someone who "never does anything wrong" (my AF's words, seriously).
And this totally reminds me of my AF. I saw it as his half-assed attempt to parent - to say something so that he could tell himself he was a good parent by assigning chores. He was also always telling my mom to lighten up.
This is one suggestion, but try having a talk with your father about the screaming, because this is not a way to live. Tell him if he's angry at mom, then go scream at mom. Tell him that if he's screaming at you because he's angry at mom, you're not going to listen. Then walk away, repeating if he follows, "I can't hear you when you're screaming."
Go ahead and point out that it wouldn't have mattered if the floor was vacuumed, because he was going to complain/scream anyway, right? Your dad needs to realize the environment he's created: you can't win. It doesn't matter what you do - dad is going to complain/scream anyway. So why listen. Nothing you do will ever be good enough to fix his unhappiness.
Seriously, reward him with calm, open communication ONLY when he is willing to respect you with the same. Otherwise don't engage. Get your sister to back you up on this. Work what limited options you have as a kid who is still (by law) dependent on their parents.
IMO your dad is so immersed in your mom's behavior that he probably hasn't even noticed you're a teenager now. Thus, he needs to change how he interacts with you, because you're not a child anymore. Believe me, when you're the second child this is very easy for parents to forget.
Plus anger and depression are two sides of the same coin, IMO. I think your dad is very depressed, but is expressing it through anger. And he's done it for so long that it's become a way of life. Right now he doesn't have the ability to plan for the future - only the short-term ability to plan from one alcohol-christened crisis to the next. He's missing out on your last years in the house, and he doesn't even realize it. Believe me, if he's yelling that much, it means he hasn't even thought about you and your sister growing into adults and leaving one day. He's taking you for granted that you'll always be home to come and scream to.
I really feel for you and your sister. My sister and I went through a very similar experience growing up - just the constant screaming and an alcoholic who hardly noticed if we were around. Have faith in yourself to come through this on top
Originally Posted by ilytoo
My dad comes home and if he finds one little flaw in the house...he'll just complain, complain and scream!
Originally Posted by ilytoo
My mom is random...tells me i did a good job at cleaning my room or vacuuming...but then she just tells me to vacuum again, after i just did the same thing...
This is one suggestion, but try having a talk with your father about the screaming, because this is not a way to live. Tell him if he's angry at mom, then go scream at mom. Tell him that if he's screaming at you because he's angry at mom, you're not going to listen. Then walk away, repeating if he follows, "I can't hear you when you're screaming."
Go ahead and point out that it wouldn't have mattered if the floor was vacuumed, because he was going to complain/scream anyway, right? Your dad needs to realize the environment he's created: you can't win. It doesn't matter what you do - dad is going to complain/scream anyway. So why listen. Nothing you do will ever be good enough to fix his unhappiness.
Seriously, reward him with calm, open communication ONLY when he is willing to respect you with the same. Otherwise don't engage. Get your sister to back you up on this. Work what limited options you have as a kid who is still (by law) dependent on their parents.
IMO your dad is so immersed in your mom's behavior that he probably hasn't even noticed you're a teenager now. Thus, he needs to change how he interacts with you, because you're not a child anymore. Believe me, when you're the second child this is very easy for parents to forget.
Plus anger and depression are two sides of the same coin, IMO. I think your dad is very depressed, but is expressing it through anger. And he's done it for so long that it's become a way of life. Right now he doesn't have the ability to plan for the future - only the short-term ability to plan from one alcohol-christened crisis to the next. He's missing out on your last years in the house, and he doesn't even realize it. Believe me, if he's yelling that much, it means he hasn't even thought about you and your sister growing into adults and leaving one day. He's taking you for granted that you'll always be home to come and scream to.
I really feel for you and your sister. My sister and I went through a very similar experience growing up - just the constant screaming and an alcoholic who hardly noticed if we were around. Have faith in yourself to come through this on top
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5
Okay, well... i've figured out something.
My mother does better on the days that she has work but, after work... it gets bad. I hear her go into the fridge, pops a bottle open and start chugging.
*sigh*
My mother does better on the days that she has work but, after work... it gets bad. I hear her go into the fridge, pops a bottle open and start chugging.
*sigh*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 5
Hi Darkhunter.
It's my first time here so I don't feel qualified to give you an answer. Seems to me though that you do have to share this burden with someone. Maybe you've started in the right place by doing it here!
Is your family doctor an option? Or maybe Al-anon could be a help.
I've experienced so many in-family problems with the dreaded booze that it's difficult to know where to start. If I come up with anything I think might be useful to you I'll post again.
Good luck. Oh yes, and keep on loving your Mom.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey ilytoo. How are you and darkhunter doing these days?
It sounds like your mom's drinking has nothing to do with you. She's really on her own agenda, isn't she.
What have you been doing to reward yourself for your own success?
It sounds like your mom's drinking has nothing to do with you. She's really on her own agenda, isn't she.
What have you been doing to reward yourself for your own success?
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