Hi Jerseygirl,
I understand what you're saying. I break it down and think of it this way:
--I am powerless over alcohol...
....which you are. You can't control your ABF's drinking, nor anyone else's. Alcohol is cheap, legal, and readily available. You can no longer exert any power over someone else's relationship with alcohol than you can control the spin of the earth.
--.....and my life has become unmanageable.
....I understand what you're saying about asserting yourself. But if the pain you find yourself in were 'manageable' by your current methods, then there wouldn't be a problem, right? You'd just step up there, fix it all, and zip-zoop you're done. Or, if you feel like I felt in early recovery, you'd assert yourself by saying "screw you, drink yourself to death, I'm out of here." And walk out the door and right into the next relationship with an alcoholic.
Assuming you're looking for a change that's a little more lasting than that (within yourself), we've gotta assume it's NOT manageable just by standing up for yourself a little more, or pouring out the bottles, or changing your address. Right here, right now, those things are not working.
For this moment, right here on step one anyway, admitting that our usual ways of living are ineffective, and you need something greater, is essential to FINDING that something greater.
Just how I internalized it. Look back at the Step Study-Step 1 thread (page five of the forum) for more ideas on how to adapt this to your own situation.
And no, what you're suggesting is not a cop out. It is very true. The whole program helps you to build a rock-steady foundation for learning what your needs and expectations ARE....as well as your boundaries.