Step One questions.....I am confused

Old 01-22-2009, 09:41 AM
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Step One questions.....I am confused

OK, I am VERY new to this, so if I am misinterpreting anything or missing something, please be patient with me

I have been reading the posts about "working the steps", and I am attempting to do so

First question -

So, I read step one - I am powerless over alcohol

Well, for the first 41 years of my life, alcohol was NOT an issue. I drank to the point of being drunk ONCE in my life, and I was 21 and celebrating my college graduation. I have worked in restaurants, and in the gaming industry, and was exposed to responsible alcohol consumption at both. My friends, my family, my old relationships....alcohol was never an issue. It was quite often a take it or leave it thing - I had a fully stocked bar in my home, you could mix about any drink up, but bottles often lasted years.....it was just there, no big deal. I enjoyed going to wineries, took classes about wine, took a trip to Napa. But, when I fell in love with a wine and ordered a case....it lasted over 5 years. I had dreams or retiring to the Napa Valley someday....

So, now ABF is in the picture, things obviously changed. Something that was an non-issue in my life is a central force in his. It changed the way I view alcohol, and without hesitation emptied my home of every drop of alcohol (it was gladly accepted by a friend of mine who entertains quite a bit). Since I met him, I maybe have had two glasses of wine - both times out with friends, without him present. I don't miss it, it was always a take it or leave it thing for me....out of respect for him, I am in a leave it phase. If a group of us wanted to go to a winery one day - yeah, I would probably go, but I would not buy a case of something even if I loved it...I might buy a few bottles to support a local winery, and give them away as gifts. This does not in any way feel like a sacrifice to me - I think of it like this...if my kid had a severe peanut allergy, that mistakenly eating something with peanuts could kill him...would I still keep the jar of peanut butter around, even if I liked it? Of course not! If say, peanut butter cups were my favorite candy, I would occasionally buy one when out, and not take it home...I certainly would not buy the huge bag to keep at home in the cabinet.

So, how is it that I am powerless over alcohol? I don't see it. I feel like I have total control of alcohol.

Someone told me to re-word the step - I am powerless over the alcoholic.....and that does work for me better...I can't control ABF or his disease, his addictions. so, working on this step with that interpretation might work for me....but, is that some kind of cop out? Or is it an acceptable interpretation?

Second question -

In many past relationships. my issue has always been my inability to stand up for myself, to state what I need from the relationship - just taking whatever scraps are thrown my way, and trying to not resent that my needs were not magically understood and met. I worked with a therapist, I did work on my own, and it is very difficult for me to say - I have certain expectations and needs from the person I am in a relationship with - to NOT just sit back and wait for the scraps.

So, now in this relationship with an A, it has turned all that work topsy turvy. While I have done work on being able to say, I have certain expectations in a relationship, I have these needs that I would like met....that now seems to be at odds with these ideas of Let Go and Let god, etc. And the more I read and talk to people about this, the more confused I am on how to be a strong enough woman to (finally) say - this is what I need from you - yet balance that with being "powerless" and "letting go". I feel like I have always given away my power....I have been faulted for it, have lost myself to it.....so is it detrimental to the program, my program, and to my ABF's recovery, for me to stand up and say I DO have needs and I DO have expectations?


Sorry if this does not make a lot of sense - I will try to clarify myself further as I continue to think about it....it is all sort of muddled in my head right now.
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Old 01-22-2009, 10:15 AM
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I am powerless over alcohol (it doesn't matter who drinks it, it doesn't have to be me) and other people

My life is unmanageable (by me) I can't "control" the alcoholics in my life or how much they drink or how they behave, I can't "manage" the "externals" in my life.

God does for us what we can't do for ourselves, so whatever we can do for ourselves is our responsibility, such as leave, or change our attitude, etc. but realizing that we are powerless over someone else and their consumption of alcohol, then we turn our feelings and the situation over to God.

We take the action, then let go of the result.

The way I heard it explained is it's my job to throw sh1t at the wall, it's God's job what sticks, I'm not in charge of adhesion, but I'm in charge of what actions I am going to take.

It's very subtle, but it's the beginning of a process where our actions stop being a tool for manipulation. I also expected the alcoholics to be "reasonable", my "requests" all seemed so "reasonable", but it turned out I was behaving a certain way in order to get certain "results" from them (seemed reasonable) that ultimately were manipulation.

It's really very cut and dried, I can't control whether or not someone else drinks, and I can't control their actions, and I can't control the outcome of any situation.

hence:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable"

You can list everything you are powerless over, and specific examples of unmanageable and that helps to get a clearer picture of what you are up against.

By the way, there is no such thing as a stupid question, I am very proud of you for stepping up and asking this, that shows an admirable commitment to recovery, well done.
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Old 01-22-2009, 10:29 AM
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Just a thought

Please take what you want of this and leave the rest, but one thing that you have to understand is why you may gravitate to men who might be unhealthy. What needs to be asked is, is your BF working or trying to work a recovery program. If not, what can you do, if anything to assist him in working a program or should you stay with him. For instance, if a person stayed with an alcoholic despite the negative impact of his use, then that person maybe powerless over their codependence or another underlying issue. I agree that you are powerless over the alcoholic, but to work a step one, you need to find the addictive, obsessive, or complusive behavior that has had a negative impact in your life. That is where your answer lies. Keep looking and you shall find.
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Old 01-22-2009, 10:32 AM
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Hi Jerseygirl,

I understand what you're saying. I break it down and think of it this way:

--I am powerless over alcohol...

....which you are. You can't control your ABF's drinking, nor anyone else's. Alcohol is cheap, legal, and readily available. You can no longer exert any power over someone else's relationship with alcohol than you can control the spin of the earth.

--.....and my life has become unmanageable.

....I understand what you're saying about asserting yourself. But if the pain you find yourself in were 'manageable' by your current methods, then there wouldn't be a problem, right? You'd just step up there, fix it all, and zip-zoop you're done. Or, if you feel like I felt in early recovery, you'd assert yourself by saying "screw you, drink yourself to death, I'm out of here." And walk out the door and right into the next relationship with an alcoholic.

Assuming you're looking for a change that's a little more lasting than that (within yourself), we've gotta assume it's NOT manageable just by standing up for yourself a little more, or pouring out the bottles, or changing your address. Right here, right now, those things are not working.

For this moment, right here on step one anyway, admitting that our usual ways of living are ineffective, and you need something greater, is essential to FINDING that something greater.

Just how I internalized it. Look back at the Step Study-Step 1 thread (page five of the forum) for more ideas on how to adapt this to your own situation.

And no, what you're suggesting is not a cop out. It is very true. The whole program helps you to build a rock-steady foundation for learning what your needs and expectations ARE....as well as your boundaries.
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Old 01-22-2009, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
Hi Jerseygirl,

--I am powerless over alcohol...

....which you are. You can't control your ABF's drinking, nor anyone else's. Alcohol is cheap, legal, and readily available. You can no longer exert any power over someone else's relationship with alcohol than you can control the spin of the earth.
See, I understand that.....I CAN'T control ABF's drinking. Absolutely. I HAVE always controlled mine (given, I don't have the addiction issues, but still, I have controlled mine well over a lifetime). I NEVER once got behind the wheel of a car with more than one drink consumed that day - and never within a couple hours of having had that drink. If I ever had a hard day at work and my impulse was "I need a drink", those were the days I chose to NOT drink...I would rather straight face my feelings, work through them, not numb out from them. So, while I might not have the disease of alcoholism, I nonetheless still have managed my alcohol consumption at all times in my life. I was always gladly a designated driver...no bigggie. I AM in control of alcohol FOR ME. (Now, Tostitos with spicy salsa might be a different story....but that can be another post, lol). I have been faced with decisions about drinking, and (I believe) have always made wise ones. How is that not in control or powerless?

So to say the words I am powerless over alcohol....I can't buy into it. I'm not. I have always managed to control it. I control MY drinking....and I always have. But I can say - I am powerless over anyone's ELSE'S alcohol consumption/alcoholism...that I am comfortable with, that I can *get* and accept and work with. But is re-phrasing Step One to say - I am powerless over another person's alcohol consumption is not going to work, I may stay stuck here for a VERY long time.

There are a lot of things in my life I am *powerless* over.....many things....but alcohol is not one....that is something I have and do have control of.


Oh, and yes, ABF is working his program....he has (this time around) gone 83 days since his last drink....there are some residual issues regarding his decision to smoke pot right now....so if my opinion were asked, I would not call him sober....but he is working things through, going to meetings most nights, working with two sponsors, etc. If he were actively drinking, I might be in his life as a friend, but no more....
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Old 01-22-2009, 11:11 AM
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you are not powerless over your own consumption of alcohol, we get that, but you ARE powerless over alcohol itself, as in it's effects on others, it doesn't matter who drinks it, you are powerless over the "entity" alcohol, it's just your own consumption isn't an issue.

IMO feel free to put "We admitted we were powerless over A)_____________, and that our lives had become unmanageable"

A) People, places, things, situations, and other peoples consumption of alcohol

That's basically what I do in my head anyway in my "alanon" version of the steps
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Old 01-22-2009, 11:53 AM
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YOUR consumption of alcohol or power over it isn't what's at issue in your situation. If you were an alcoholic, you'd be in AA, not Al-Anon. The steps are similar but the point can be different.

But you are powerless over the effects of alcohol abuse in your life. Your ABF's alcoholism affects you, and you are powerless to control his choices. All the expectations in the world will not keep him from drinking again if he so chooses. Out of your hands.

So, in light of this complete inability to control or cure, we work on ourselves, starting with this understanding that it isn't in our hands.

If you're still thinking that because YOU can put down a drink without a second thought, an alcoholic should be able to just as easily (if properly threatened, pushed, reasoned-with) then you need to continue your research into this affliction in addition to working Al-Anon. That inability is what makes them alcoholics. They're wired very differently, sad to say.
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Old 01-22-2009, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
If you're still thinking that because YOU can put down a drink without a second thought, an alcoholic should be able to just as easily (if properly threatened, pushed, reasoned-with) then you need to continue your research into this affliction in addition to working Al-Anon. That inability is what makes them alcoholics. They're wired very differently, sad to say.
No, not at all... not even close. I KNOW a lot of why I CAN control MY alcohol use is because I am NOT at the mercy of this disease. I know very well that he can't make the same decisions as I can when it comes to alcohol.

Which is why...I totally buy into HIS saying - I am powerless over alcohol...because indeed he is.

I am lucky enough to not be in that situation....partially because I am not afflicted with the disease....partially because of the decisions I have made (not everyone pulled over for a DUI or gets into an accident while driving drunk is necessarily a full blown alcoholic....but instead made some bad decisions...in some cases, not always)

But the words I am powerless over alcohol....as in first person I....that I struggle with.

I am powerless over the alcoholic in my life. OK

I am powerless over ABF's drinking. OK

I am powerless over alcohol. Can't get there.
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Old 01-22-2009, 12:33 PM
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....I understand what you're saying about asserting yourself. But if the pain you find yourself in were 'manageable' by your current methods, then there wouldn't be a problem, right? You'd just step up there, fix it all, and zip-zoop you're done. Or, if you feel like I felt in early recovery, you'd assert yourself by saying "screw you, drink yourself to death, I'm out of here." And walk out the door and right into the next relationship with an alcoholic.

Give Love,
You got me...oh...You got me with that one...right between the eyes! I'm going to have to swim in that statement for a while.

JerseyGirl, I have been working step 1 also and have had the very same questions.

If it helps at all, I have recently realized that my control issues from childhood were the perfect powderkeg for my ABF's alcholic lit fuse.

I have changed my focus from accepting my lack of control over ABF's actions due to alcohol to learning to accept that alcohol controls him and battles me for control over him.

Your inability to voice your needs previously may have made you the perfect match for an alcoholic mate. With an alcholic, the relationship is all about them. Their mood swings, their need for attention, their need to have an alcohol free home and leave others to exist in a "leave it" phase as you put it.

Maybe you need to accept that alcohol, through its control over your BF, has kept you from fullfilling your desire to stand up for yourself in a relationship.

I wish your BF nothing but the best in his recovery, and you in yours!!

Alice
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Old 01-22-2009, 12:39 PM
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I understand perfectly what you're saying.

You have control over your drinking. But you don't have control over alcohol, which is much more than just what's sitting in YOUR glass.

I have power over the temperature of my house. That doesn't mean I control the temperature of the planet.

I have power over my car when I'm driving it. That doesn't mean I can control the car that careens out of nowhere and kills me.

I have power over my health choices. I can exercise, eat right, lift weights, and a hundred other things. But an aneurysm I might theoretically have in my brain doesn't give a damn about any of that. I'm powerless over it.

Admitting that I'm powerless over certain things is just a statement of fact, not an admission of weakness. It clarifies for me that line between action and futility....helps me to see that, sometimes, all the "doing" in the world won't make things better. Finding that balance point is a really valuable skill.

As you've seen, you can reword these steps to get around the semantics and allow you to move on with a clear heart.
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Old 01-22-2009, 01:11 PM
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Hi JerseyGirl

My two cents:
Letting go does not equal "do nothing" or "keep receiving the crumbs"

Quite the contrary,

Letting go is going from passive to active, instead of living "in reaction" to a situation or a person in your life, you take control of what you want to do, how YOU manage your feelings and start focusing on you and what makes you comfortable and happy... for YOUR self and enjoyment... (thanks Melodie Beattie for making me understand this!!)

Letting go in regards to other people is not letting them do as they please and say "Ok its Gods work.. I have no power"

Letting go is to build your own inner strength so you can draw a healthy line between you and others...and that's where asking for your needs to be met, being more assertive, etc. can help you

I am glad you are working step 1 because I am too and I am glad you started this thread. You are not alone!
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Old 01-22-2009, 01:42 PM
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MY 15th post, finally!

Originally Posted by JerseyGirl View Post
OK, I am VERY new to this, so if I am misinterpreting anything or missing something, please be patient with me

I have been reading the posts about "working the steps", and I am attempting to do so

First question -

So, I read step one - I am powerless over alcohol

Well, for the first 41 years of my life, alcohol was NOT an issue. I drank to the point of being drunk ONCE in my life, and I was 21 and celebrating my college graduation. I have worked in restaurants, and in the gaming industry, and was exposed to responsible alcohol consumption at both. My friends, my family, my old relationships....alcohol was never an issue. It was quite often a take it or leave it thing - I had a fully stocked bar in my home, you could mix about any drink up, but bottles often lasted years.....it was just there, no big deal. I enjoyed going to wineries, took classes about wine, took a trip to Napa. But, when I fell in love with a wine and ordered a case....it lasted over 5 years. I had dreams or retiring to the Napa Valley someday....

So, now ABF is in the picture, things obviously changed. Something that was an non-issue in my life is a central force in his. It changed the way I view alcohol, and without hesitation emptied my home of every drop of alcohol (it was gladly accepted by a friend of mine who entertains quite a bit). Since I met him, I maybe have had two glasses of wine - both times out with friends, without him present. I don't miss it, it was always a take it or leave it thing for me....out of respect for him, I am in a leave it phase. If a group of us wanted to go to a winery one day - yeah, I would probably go, but I would not buy a case of something even if I loved it...I might buy a few bottles to support a local winery, and give them away as gifts. This does not in any way feel like a sacrifice to me - I think of it like this...if my kid had a severe peanut allergy, that mistakenly eating something with peanuts could kill him...would I still keep the jar of peanut butter around, even if I liked it? Of course not! If say, peanut butter cups were my favorite candy, I would occasionally buy one when out, and not take it home...I certainly would not buy the huge bag to keep at home in the cabinet.

So, how is it that I am powerless over alcohol? I don't see it. I feel like I have total control of alcohol.

Someone told me to re-word the step - I am powerless over the alcoholic.....and that does work for me better...I can't control ABF or his disease, his addictions. so, working on this step with that interpretation might work for me....but, is that some kind of cop out? Or is it an acceptable interpretation?

Second question -

In many past relationships. my issue has always been my inability to stand up for myself, to state what I need from the relationship - just taking whatever scraps are thrown my way, and trying to not resent that my needs were not magically understood and met. I worked with a therapist, I did work on my own, and it is very difficult for me to say - I have certain expectations and needs from the person I am in a relationship with - to NOT just sit back and wait for the scraps.

So, now in this relationship with an A, it has turned all that work topsy turvy. While I have done work on being able to say, I have certain expectations in a relationship, I have these needs that I would like met....that now seems to be at odds with these ideas of Let Go and Let god, etc. And the more I read and talk to people about this, the more confused I am on how to be a strong enough woman to (finally) say - this is what I need from you - yet balance that with being "powerless" and "letting go". I feel like I have always given away my power....I have been faulted for it, have lost myself to it.....so is it detrimental to the program, my program, and to my ABF's recovery, for me to stand up and say I DO have needs and I DO have expectations?


Sorry if this does not make a lot of sense - I will try to clarify myself further as I continue to think about it....it is all sort of muddled in my head right now.
makes total sense. and having someone for an AA sponsor who also sponsors AFG members... i can say from that standpoint saying "powerless over ABF" is a very acceptable alternative for you, since you aren't an A.

keep asking the right question, honestly... and the right answers will come for you.
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Old 01-22-2009, 03:00 PM
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Understood, understood, understood!

But here is what I am asking....very straightforward....not shooting off in different tangents.

As someone who is trying to work through the steps on Alanon only (not someone like my ABF who is in AA, but could probably benefit from the Alanon program as well...and I do understand many people are, what would you call it...dual-program?)...is it acceptable for me to work the step with alternate wording??

Originally Posted by JerseyGirl View Post

Someone told me to re-word the step - I am powerless over the alcoholic.....and that does work for me better...I can't control ABF or his disease, his addictions. so, working on this step with that interpretation might work for me....but, is that some kind of cop out? Or is it an acceptable interpretation?
Because when I look at the original AA step - I am powerless over alcohol...it does not resonate with me, and I feel like I am not being truthful in even uttering those words. However, to say the words I am powerless over the alcoholic...that gives me a lot to think about. I can see myself getting something out of that. It feels right to me, I can wrap my brain around it. It is more than just words. but, if there is some reason that is NOT an acceptable interpretation, I am interested in hearing why.

So, the simple question is (as if any questions is really simple, but let's pretend) - is that an acceptable interpretation, for someone in ALANON (obviously not for someone in AA)?
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Old 01-22-2009, 03:04 PM
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...and as a quick follow up to that.....and sorry for my harping on it....but if that IS an acceptable interpretation....I am wondering why the Alanon literature just adopted Step One as is....it puzzles me
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Old 01-22-2009, 03:04 PM
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Gotcha - thanks
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Old 01-23-2009, 01:06 PM
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Mmmmmmmm maybe because "alcoholic" would mean only one person you know.

Many people are affected in a more general sense, maybe all their family are alcoholics or they live with friends who are alcoholics.. and other examples of alcohol affecting one's life for the worse that thankfully I do not imagine because I have not lived them.

I think the word "alcohol" was chosen to be more general and cover for these different situations where alcohol makes itself present in a harmful way.

As I start realizing more about the disease of alcoholism it starts to look like a separate entity in itself, a silent and not-so-silent victimizer than shows its ugly face in verbal abuse, deceit, sickness, surreal moments, distorsions of reality, hatred, really sad situations of neglect, prison, crime, anger and ultimately death. So "powerless over an alcoholic" falls short...

Now I read "alcohol" and it is not the innocent glass of vodka I plan to drink later, but the harm it caused, causes and will continue to cause the ex, how it perpetrates itself, how it harmed ME as a witness and enabler, and all the feelings associated to feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and impotent looking at the ongoing decadence and glorification....
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Old 01-23-2009, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Dreamer999 View Post
Mmmmmmmm maybe because "alcoholic" would mean only one person you know..
Good point....other than knowing "of" people (spouse of a co-worker, etc)....this is my first one-on-one relationship with an alcoholic. Had not thought of that....thanks.
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