JerseyGirl

OK, I am VERY new to this, so if I am misinterpreting anything or missing something, please be patient with me

I have been reading the posts about "working the steps", and I am attempting to do so

First question -

So, I read step one - I am powerless over alcohol

Well, for the first 41 years of my life, alcohol was NOT an issue. I drank to the point of being drunk ONCE in my life, and I was 21 and celebrating my college graduation. I have worked in restaurants, and in the gaming industry, and was exposed to responsible alcohol consumption at both. My friends, my family, my old relationships....alcohol was never an issue. It was quite often a take it or leave it thing - I had a fully stocked bar in my home, you could mix about any drink up, but bottles often lasted years.....it was just there, no big deal. I enjoyed going to wineries, took classes about wine, took a trip to Napa. But, when I fell in love with a wine and ordered a case....it lasted over 5 years. I had dreams or retiring to the Napa Valley someday....

So, now ABF is in the picture, things obviously changed. Something that was an non-issue in my life is a central force in his. It changed the way I view alcohol, and without hesitation emptied my home of every drop of alcohol (it was gladly accepted by a friend of mine who entertains quite a bit). Since I met him, I maybe have had two glasses of wine - both times out with friends, without him present. I don't miss it, it was always a take it or leave it thing for me....out of respect for him, I am in a leave it phase. If a group of us wanted to go to a winery one day - yeah, I would probably go, but I would not buy a case of something even if I loved it...I might buy a few bottles to support a local winery, and give them away as gifts. This does not in any way feel like a sacrifice to me - I think of it like this...if my kid had a severe peanut allergy, that mistakenly eating something with peanuts could kill him...would I still keep the jar of peanut butter around, even if I liked it? Of course not! If say, peanut butter cups were my favorite candy, I would occasionally buy one when out, and not take it home...I certainly would not buy the huge bag to keep at home in the cabinet.

So, how is it that I am powerless over alcohol? I don't see it. I feel like I have total control of alcohol.

Someone told me to re-word the step - I am powerless over the alcoholic.....and that does work for me better...I can't control ABF or his disease, his addictions. so, working on this step with that interpretation might work for me....but, is that some kind of cop out? Or is it an acceptable interpretation?

Second question -

In many past relationships. my issue has always been my inability to stand up for myself, to state what I need from the relationship - just taking whatever scraps are thrown my way, and trying to not resent that my needs were not magically understood and met. I worked with a therapist, I did work on my own, and it is very difficult for me to say - I have certain expectations and needs from the person I am in a relationship with - to NOT just sit back and wait for the scraps.

So, now in this relationship with an A, it has turned all that work topsy turvy. While I have done work on being able to say, I have certain expectations in a relationship, I have these needs that I would like met....that now seems to be at odds with these ideas of Let Go and Let god, etc. And the more I read and talk to people about this, the more confused I am on how to be a strong enough woman to (finally) say - this is what I need from you - yet balance that with being "powerless" and "letting go". I feel like I have always given away my power....I have been faulted for it, have lost myself to it.....so is it detrimental to the program, my program, and to my ABF's recovery, for me to stand up and say I DO have needs and I DO have expectations?


Sorry if this does not make a lot of sense - I will try to clarify myself further as I continue to think about it....it is all sort of muddled in my head right now.