Oh my goodness. This seems to be my quest at the moment, too. Seeing the twist and turns coming ahead and trying to change how I react to them. It just seems like I start obsessing over what might happen, (the what ifs) and I don't see what is really about to go down. Then the surprise of it all throws me off guard, and I fall right into my old habits.
Last week, I walked right into a situation that my ABF orchestrated, and I felt like a fool.
I've had time to think about it since then, and something that I keep noting is that I hesitated when he made his request. When I tried to analyze in my head what he was up to, and if I should say yes, was when I had no chance of changing my behavior. I was going to find a codependent reason to do what he wanted. I justified the whole thing for him and went on my merry codependent way.
If I had stopped right when I hesitated and said no, can't help you, I could have saved myself the self-loathing.
Who cares why an addict does what they do? I don't need to know if he's up to something anymore. He just is! When that hesitation to get involved hits, I need to walk away.
Sorry, back to you...when you hesitated to invite him to the pub. You should have stopped there. There was a reason you hesitated, right? Once you took the time to analyze the situation, your codie did the negotiations. Our codie selves cannot have that authority.
I'm new to this, and it so much easier said than done. I keep hoping if I say it enough times, I will actually do it.
* Mr. Toad's wild ride has nothing on this nonsense.
Alice