I should know better by now…

Old 01-19-2009, 12:03 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
CatsnDogs4Me's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
I should know better by now…

I’m truly amazed sometimes at the depths of my co-dependency & how it takes me so darn long to learn things. Update on my situation (sorry if it’s a bit long) … AH & I separated last March (I moved out.) AH swore he hit rock bottom at that point and was going to “work on his drinking” and agreed to start marriage counseling. (I’ve been working with my own therapist since Spring 2007). I’m finally getting better at identifying my feelings (I’m also an ACOA who grew up in a family where we kept all of our emotions inside), and just a few weeks ago I finally came to terms with the fact that I have to share my feelings with my AH, even though they’re overly positive. I’m the classic codie who is more concerned about how other people feel than how I feel. Anyway, I opened up in a marriage counseling session a couple of weeks ago about my feelings and how with that how I felt I needed some time and space to work on my own recovery. Prior to that point, AH was coming over to do laundry 2-3 times a week; we had a “date night” 1x/week, and he called me every night to talk with me before he went to bed. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to focus on my own needs vs. his/the relationship. So, we agreed to a 2-week period in which we’d only get together on the weekend - one time to go the gym, another for a museum tour we signed up for weeks ago. Everything was going really well – he was respecting my request to be alone, and I was doing some good work on my own recovery. Then, I hit a backslide on Saturday. I found out one of our favorite local bands was playing at a nearby pub. I wrestled for days about mentioning it to him, but I figured he’d found out already since he’s on their mailing list. Stupid me asked if he wanted to go see them after our museum tour, even though, in my heart, I really just wanted to go by myself, but I thought if he found out I went alone he’d get mad at me... We went, and he drank (of course), but at least he didn’t drink as much as other times we’d gone out in the past & didn’t get out of control. At the end of the night, though, I confessed how I’d been anxious all night about how much he was going to drink. He naturally got very defensive about it all & stormed out of the house & went back to his apartment. Instead of letting it go, the codie in me called him to talk about it & was on the phone with him ‘til 3:30 AM with him telling me how he could control his drinking & how I was overreacting & how I was crazy for envisioning these “what if” scenarios. On Sunday morning, I woke up anxious & upset & actually thinking I believed him. I got on the SR site to read some posts & get a reality check & wrote just all of my random thoughts in my journal. It’s taken me until today to realize I’m not crazy; I’m just once again falling into codie mode. I’m mad at myself for letting all that happen, when I need to learn to trust my instincts rather than squash them. Whenever I feel anxious & upset & confused, I’ve learned it’s generally b/c I’m slipping into codie mode and/or getting a boundary violated. If only I could learn to figure it all out faster. Anyway, thanks for listening … I just felt like I needed a safe place to share.
CatsnDogs4Me is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 12:26 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ItsmeAlice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Oh my goodness. This seems to be my quest at the moment, too. Seeing the twist and turns coming ahead and trying to change how I react to them. It just seems like I start obsessing over what might happen, (the what ifs) and I don't see what is really about to go down. Then the surprise of it all throws me off guard, and I fall right into my old habits.

Last week, I walked right into a situation that my ABF orchestrated, and I felt like a fool.

I've had time to think about it since then, and something that I keep noting is that I hesitated when he made his request. When I tried to analyze in my head what he was up to, and if I should say yes, was when I had no chance of changing my behavior. I was going to find a codependent reason to do what he wanted. I justified the whole thing for him and went on my merry codependent way.

If I had stopped right when I hesitated and said no, can't help you, I could have saved myself the self-loathing.

Who cares why an addict does what they do? I don't need to know if he's up to something anymore. He just is! When that hesitation to get involved hits, I need to walk away.

Sorry, back to you...when you hesitated to invite him to the pub. You should have stopped there. There was a reason you hesitated, right? Once you took the time to analyze the situation, your codie did the negotiations. Our codie selves cannot have that authority.

I'm new to this, and it so much easier said than done. I keep hoping if I say it enough times, I will actually do it.


* Mr. Toad's wild ride has nothing on this nonsense.

Alice
ItsmeAlice is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 12:36 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
CatsnDogs4Me's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
That's exactly me! I hesitate & then second guess myself, even though I find time & time again that if I trust myself the first time around, it's usually the right decision. I had a boss a couple of years ago tell me that I was very good at what I do, except that I don't trust my gut instincts on things & end up taking another route, which doesn't turn out as well. She helped me to learn to trust my gut at work & go with it. I keep thinking back on that & how I need to learn that in my home life, too.
CatsnDogs4Me is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 01:00 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Freed from the anguish
 
JustMeInWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((CatsnDogs4Me))) I know what you mean about the crazymaking! It's AWFUL!!!

So let me ask you this, have you attended AlAnon yet? Have you got a sponsor? Whenever you get in your head that you must be crazy or going crazy (because that is what AH is telling you and you start to believe it), you could immediately call your sponsor. They will be the first ones to hear you out and give you a reality check and tell you how very NOT crazy you are. Believe me. It helps SOOOO much to have another person who is outside the situation and well grounded in their codie-recovery to tell you like it is
JustMeInWI is offline  
Old 01-19-2009, 03:15 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
CatsnDogs4Me's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
I have been to a few AlAnon meetings, but I haven't found a group that really worked for me yet. I do have my own therapist, who has been a great help. It's just hard to find time to fit in my therapist appointments, marriage counselor appointments, trips to the gym (essential for my health & stress), and manage a household of 7 pets, all the while holding down a full-time job. I do ALOT of reading on my own both online & in paper (I have several of Melody Beattie's books); I read at least some highlighted passages if not a whole chapter from the books before bed at night. But, I know that doesn't substitute for a live, human sponsor. I have been thinking about trying to find another Al-Anon meeting to try, so I'll check out their Web site & see if I can find another nearby that I could work into my schedule. Thanks to everyone for their feedback & sanity check :-)
CatsnDogs4Me is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:02 PM.