CatsnDogs4Me

I’m truly amazed sometimes at the depths of my co-dependency & how it takes me so darn long to learn things. Update on my situation (sorry if it’s a bit long) … AH & I separated last March (I moved out.) AH swore he hit rock bottom at that point and was going to “work on his drinking” and agreed to start marriage counseling. (I’ve been working with my own therapist since Spring 2007). I’m finally getting better at identifying my feelings (I’m also an ACOA who grew up in a family where we kept all of our emotions inside), and just a few weeks ago I finally came to terms with the fact that I have to share my feelings with my AH, even though they’re overly positive. I’m the classic codie who is more concerned about how other people feel than how I feel. Anyway, I opened up in a marriage counseling session a couple of weeks ago about my feelings and how with that how I felt I needed some time and space to work on my own recovery. Prior to that point, AH was coming over to do laundry 2-3 times a week; we had a “date night” 1x/week, and he called me every night to talk with me before he went to bed. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to focus on my own needs vs. his/the relationship. So, we agreed to a 2-week period in which we’d only get together on the weekend - one time to go the gym, another for a museum tour we signed up for weeks ago. Everything was going really well – he was respecting my request to be alone, and I was doing some good work on my own recovery. Then, I hit a backslide on Saturday. I found out one of our favorite local bands was playing at a nearby pub. I wrestled for days about mentioning it to him, but I figured he’d found out already since he’s on their mailing list. Stupid me asked if he wanted to go see them after our museum tour, even though, in my heart, I really just wanted to go by myself, but I thought if he found out I went alone he’d get mad at me... We went, and he drank (of course), but at least he didn’t drink as much as other times we’d gone out in the past & didn’t get out of control. At the end of the night, though, I confessed how I’d been anxious all night about how much he was going to drink. He naturally got very defensive about it all & stormed out of the house & went back to his apartment. Instead of letting it go, the codie in me called him to talk about it & was on the phone with him ‘til 3:30 AM with him telling me how he could control his drinking & how I was overreacting & how I was crazy for envisioning these “what if” scenarios. On Sunday morning, I woke up anxious & upset & actually thinking I believed him. I got on the SR site to read some posts & get a reality check & wrote just all of my random thoughts in my journal. It’s taken me until today to realize I’m not crazy; I’m just once again falling into codie mode. I’m mad at myself for letting all that happen, when I need to learn to trust my instincts rather than squash them. Whenever I feel anxious & upset & confused, I’ve learned it’s generally b/c I’m slipping into codie mode and/or getting a boundary violated. If only I could learn to figure it all out faster. Anyway, thanks for listening … I just felt like I needed a safe place to share.