pegasus

Hello, I have been reading postings for some time now and realized that this is where I fit in. My AH's DOC is crack cocaine. We have been together for 9 yrs and have 2 young children. He has been relapsing pretty hard for the past 3 yrs. When he relapses he pulls the disappearing act and has been gone at times for 2 weeks. Anyways the issue I have now is... how do I not feel guilty for wanting better for myself and my children? He has been to 3 - 30 day programs last year alone. He really doesn't want to use. so he says. But he never carries on with his after care program. Now he is in a 3 month facility. Been there a week. At this point I have lost faith in his recovery. I feel extremely guilty about that. As long as he keeps trying to get help..a part of me feels like I should try also. Then another part of me says that "you've been through this before and it never works" Not only that but I have no trust in him and I never believe anything he says. Its not a way to live. I am glad that he is in a 30 day program and I will always wish him the best and support with his recovery but I dont want him back when he gets out. He is talking about our future an a new beginning after he gets out. He doesn't get that I cannot just forget the past and start over. How can I tell him this when he is in recovery? It would just distract him from what he's there for. But I dont want to lead him on either. If I told him now perhaps the counsellors could help him with that. I really dont want to be the excuse for him to leave the facility and him ending up using. Or telling him after he gets out and him using anyways. Totally confused. Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated.