Newbie needing advice..

Old 01-15-2009, 08:05 PM
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Cool Newbie needing advice..

Hello, I have been reading postings for some time now and realized that this is where I fit in. My AH's DOC is crack cocaine. We have been together for 9 yrs and have 2 young children. He has been relapsing pretty hard for the past 3 yrs. When he relapses he pulls the disappearing act and has been gone at times for 2 weeks. Anyways the issue I have now is... how do I not feel guilty for wanting better for myself and my children? He has been to 3 - 30 day programs last year alone. He really doesn't want to use. so he says. But he never carries on with his after care program. Now he is in a 3 month facility. Been there a week. At this point I have lost faith in his recovery. I feel extremely guilty about that. As long as he keeps trying to get help..a part of me feels like I should try also. Then another part of me says that "you've been through this before and it never works" Not only that but I have no trust in him and I never believe anything he says. Its not a way to live. I am glad that he is in a 30 day program and I will always wish him the best and support with his recovery but I dont want him back when he gets out. He is talking about our future an a new beginning after he gets out. He doesn't get that I cannot just forget the past and start over. How can I tell him this when he is in recovery? It would just distract him from what he's there for. But I dont want to lead him on either. If I told him now perhaps the counsellors could help him with that. I really dont want to be the excuse for him to leave the facility and him ending up using. Or telling him after he gets out and him using anyways. Totally confused. Anything anyone has to say would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 01-15-2009, 10:38 PM
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Free yourself

Hi pegasus, First, Welcome to SR. I'm glad your here. I'm sure others will be along to give you some support.

I know its a tough position you're in. You have children which makes it even harder, you sure have my sympathy but I will tell you this, you and your childrens lives will be much more peaceful once you let go of him and let him decide what HE wants to do. You did your part and now let him do his. Your children deserve so much better... but you already know that.

If it were me I think I would call his counselor and let them know you don't want him to come back and let them help him deal with it. You shouldn't have to worry about him because he wasn't worried about you and the kids for 2 weeks!! Don't drag yourself through the mess, end it and let it go. Let HIM do the rest for himself. Meanwhile you need to keep yourself busy with the kids and go on with your life. Take each day as it comes and free yourself from Crack hell. Let him waller in his own mess and figure it out for himself.

I think you are feeling the guilt that we all do when we are still caring for our CH's. We are so used to 'thinking about them' but if you decide to finally let go, then that is the first thing you need to do is to 'think about you and your kids'. It may take awhile before he finally gets it. If he sees that you are serious and stick to your word then that might be the wake up call for him, who knows? but I can bet that he won't change until something big happens.

My ex was a CH too and I can tell you, promise after promise after promise he would get clean, ''this time" he's "so done with it" " "I don't really enjoy it anymore", " I promise I won't do it anymore" It never happened, I finally had enough. He also failed his recovery with relapse after relapse. each time going into rehab and coming out full steam into his recovery then eventually stopped. I can almost bet he will beg you to let him come back and he may throw the guilt trip at you ( manipulation) but stay strong and don't let him push your buttons!

It will be hard at first but keep coming back here, everyday if you'd like and talk to us and we will help you get through it. Each day will be just a tiny bit better than the day before and before you know it you will feel much more at ease.
I will keep you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers, and remember Take Care Of You!

We are here for you (((Hugs))):ghug2

Suemarie
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Old 01-16-2009, 02:05 AM
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Welcome to SR, Pegasus, I'm glad you joined us.

Sadly, they will use or not use no matter what we do or don't do. Our first step says "we admitted we were powerless over drugs/alcohol/others and our lives had become unmanageable"

I"m guessing that you have already figured out the "powerless" part, if like most of us you have tried everything to get him to quit. to no avail. If you tell him you are leaving (or that he is) he may go back out there or he may not....the thing is, you don't have the power of controlling his choice and if you decide to wait and stay, he may go out anyway...or he may find recovery regardless of what you do.

You can't love him into recovery either. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

It's okay to take a good look at your life and decide that you can no longer live like this. It's okay for you to find your own recovery and move on, even if he doesn't.

You have two small children and need to do what is best for them as well. Growing up in a home where active addiction exists is not healthy and often leads to repeat behaviour by the child.

Only you can decide what is right for you and your children. Just know that whatever you choose we are here to support you and walk beside you on your journey.

Hugs
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Old 01-16-2009, 04:42 AM
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Thank you both so much for the quick reply.
Suemarie:I can almost bet he will beg you to let him come back and he may throw the guilt trip at you ( manipulation) but stay strong and don't let him push your buttons!

You are so right about the manipulation, this is where he gets me every time. He uses the kids and tries to make me feel quilty. By saying things like " stop using the kids against me" or "you know they love me why would you hurt them by not letting them see there father" blah, blah, blah

My CH tells me that he can't promise that he wont ever use again. But saying that toaday he doesn't and hopes that he never will. This is probably the most truthful thing he's ever said. He says he has to take it one day at a time. But I feel that it is unfair for him to think I can live one day at a time. That doesn't give me any comfort. Nothing will change in my thinking and everyday I will wonder if this is the day he falls off. Not a way to live.

So now I will have to go see a lawyer and get custody. I am just so tired of all of this. I cant wait for it to be over. But sadly I dont think that he will accept this easily.

Please just pray that I can really do it this time, for good

Peg
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Old 01-16-2009, 05:27 AM
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Pegasus, he may not accept this easily, but then again neither did you.

You have given this great thought, considered what is best for you and your children, and even then reluctantly got ready to move forward.

It takes courage to change, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

And as someone whose father died when I was 6, I recognize the need for a father...but not an actively using addict. I may have been raised by only my mother and we may have struggled financially at times, but I was raised in a house filled with love, a house that was safe and peaceful.

My heart and prayers go out for you because even though you are thinking clearly and trying to do what is best, I know it may very well be the hardest thing you have ever done.

Hugs
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Old 01-16-2009, 06:56 AM
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I wonder if he's actually relapsing or just an active addict that uses rehab and temporarily stops to keep the addiction alive. Run the game as long as you can, get caught, go to rehab, get forgiven, start it all over again. Could this just be his cycle of addiction.

Whether he's really trying or not only he knows - whether you should keep trying or not is a decision only you can make. But whatever you decide guilt should not be a part of it - guilt is a useless emotion right now - right now you have to focus on what is the best decision overall.

As far as telling him your feelings while in rehab - I think its the best place to tell them upsetting things because they dont use while they are there and they have lots of counseling and support to help them through. They need to think about what their addiction is doing to those they love. It would be harder for him to get out and then find out how you feel while he has no support system. One thing i'm dealing with right now is the realization of how my AS's problems and feelings have taken precedence over everyone else's problems and feelings. We're all to shove down our feelings and our needs because no one wants to upset him. I'm seeing that now as part of the codie personality - putting my needs and feelings after those of the addict out of fear that he cant take the stress. Its been one more way i've been trying to stop him from using - but its feeding into his selfishness.

There is another option to the black and white of breakup or stay together? Sometimes having a break while someone gets their life together is a good option. It gets the addiction away from us and away from the kids while still allowing you to be supportive in healthy ways. Maybe a transition period before he comes home would be a good option. If he's serious about it then he'll use that time to get his life together and if not then you'll know and you wont have to go through the pain of getting him to leave.
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Old 01-16-2009, 08:34 AM
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Welcome Pegasus!!!

When he relapses he pulls the disappearing act and has been gone at times for 2 weeks. Anyways the issue I have now is... how do I not feel guilty for wanting better for myself and my children?
My AH did the same. I can't tell you the fear I felt during those times, and the anger and devastation I felt when he got home, only to have to get him to detox, treatment, hospital, therapists, Dr's, lots of money gone, he was with other women, and he brought home an STD (thankfully I never got).

You have every right to want to better yourself now. You know you have no choice, he will not be around nor capable to help with the children. It will always be about HIM HIM HIM, this is very distracting when it comes to being married to an addict.

You just determine in your mind it's not about HIM HIM HIM anymore, it's about ME and these CHILDREN, and I'm gonna do whats BEST for them.

Not only that but I have no trust in him and I never believe anything he says. Its not a way to live. I am glad that he is in a 30 day program and I will always wish him the best and support with his recovery but I dont want him back when he gets out. He is talking about our future an a new beginning after he gets out. He doesn't get that I cannot just forget the past and start over.
You just tell him you would like to give it a year before making any decisions, for your own recovery. That you will not have him coming home after the 90 days. If he asks you "why?" just tell him it's just the decision you have made. And that you hope he finds recovery.
If he cries and says "I promise this, I promise that", tell him you hope he makes those promises to himself, and keeps them.

You may want to talk to his counselor before approaching him with this, and ask when would be the best time to talk to him about it. It may be possible to have this talk with him while the counselor is present.

You really have to be strong here pegasus. Don't worry about where he's going to live. In rehab they can arrange that before he leaves, sometimes they can go to half-way-houses after treatment. Just remember it's not your problem, it's his. If he walks out of there, still it is not your problem. Let Go and Let God!!!

You take care of you and the children. Focus on what they're day to day needs are.

Keep coming back. We are here for you!! You can do it! One day at a time.

NH7
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Old 01-16-2009, 08:46 AM
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I know how you are feeling i am sitting ion the same postiton as you at the moment, my partner is addicted to heroin and after many attmepts to get him off the stuff i realalised that i could not win. We were always put second best and for that i am angry, i had to put him out last week as i was at my wits end with it all, everyine here is great and very very supportive, you have to focus on you and your kids just now, it is true though he will not take this easy nor did mine but you have to be strong and stick to your gns, it is no life for the partner of an addict as your left with all the mess to deal with and upset. let him deal with the consequences of his actions once and for all and let him hit rock bottom, your not doing yourself or him any good if you keep catching him before he gets there. YOu have to stay strong now and live a healthy life without all the stress and worry that he brings into it. xx goog luck and just remeber your not alone xx
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Old 01-16-2009, 12:16 PM
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Hi Pegasus

Welcome to our family. I'm so glad you found your way here because it is a way to not only vent, but to get support and great ideas.

I totally agree with Ann as far as raising children in a home with an active user. It is a terrible environment for children because of the constant chaos.

When they are clean they really do want to stay that way, however, the moment they get out of that "structured environment" is when they either mean what they say or were just quacking.

In other words, time will tell and I frankly would not want to subject my children to a crack addict. I know how horrible they can become. My son's drug of choice was crack too.

Do not let him push your buttons and lay guilty trips on you. Stay focused on what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children.

Remember you do not have any control over what he decides or doesn't decide. The only person you can control is yourself. Trust in your gut! Wish I had. Maybe if I had not been such a push-over, my son would have been clean years ago.

Keep coming back and sharing with us. It takes a while before you finally get strong enough to see the light, but as Ann promised me years ago (2002) it does get easier, and it finally is sinking in. Gosh I hope you don't take as long as I did!

By the way, watch out for Ann because she has these "steel-toed bunny slippers" that really hurt! Don't give her cause to use them. Shoot, I still have marks all over my legs! LOL

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 01-16-2009, 12:37 PM
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Hi Pegasus. Welcome to this site. I have been clean from crack for about 3 years now. Crack is a nasty drug. What your husband is doing isn't considered relapsing. It's called active use. In order to relapse, you have to actually quit and stay quit for a significant amount of time.

Crack addicts are very resourceful. They will continue to smoke crack until they feel consequences so bad that they are forced to stop. They will abandon their children. They will lie. They will do anything for more drugs if they are on a run. It's disgusting. Crack leads to jails institutions and death. Thats it. There is nothing else. Tough tough consequences are the only thing that will stop them from using. And even then it isn't always enough.


Your husband will be fine and he will continue to do whatever he wants to do - be it recover or continue using and "relapsing". You are left to be responsible and make all the tough choices and take care of the kids. Its tough. But it is what it is. Please put your children before your husband and his addiction. You are the only sane parent they have right now.

NOW is the time to set serious boundaries for yourself if he uses again. I suggest this one:

I will not allow crack in my life, in the life of my children or in my house. Therefore if anyone comes around me that I suspect is using crack, I will use whatever force necessary to make them leave my house, including calling the police immediately.

PS. You say you can't forget the past. Well I'm here to encourage you that you shouldn't. You should learn from it. He's been "relapsing" for years. He's been through treatment before. You've always been there to support him. He's never gotten better. We have this saying in the program... if nothing changes nothing changes. I don't mean to be a negative Nelly, but only time will tell if anything will be different this time. But hopefully if he relapses again, your boundaries will be firm and you won't allow yourself to be a part of his disease any longer.
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Old 01-16-2009, 01:41 PM
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((Pegasus))

I'm another recovering crack addict, and agree with everything Kitty said, as well as the others. I didn't get into recovery until my consequences got bad enough that the bad far outweighed the "good" in using.

If he wants recovery, he will find it, whether or not you stay together. I, personally, don't blame you for not wanting to stick around to see if he wants it. I left my XABF because he's been doing crack for 25+ years and, other than the times he's in jail and thinks he wants to get clean, crack is his entire life.

Keep reading and posting here. You've found a place with some wonderful, supportive people! Keep the focus on you and your kids, and let him do whatever he needs to do for him. For most of us A's (addicts) it's our best chance...love us enough to step back and let us fall and figure out how to get back up.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-16-2009, 01:44 PM
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Thak you again for all of your wisdom. I have put him out before and he never has to hit his bottom because his mother is there to rescue him. Over and over. He can live there rent free I might add and not have to pay for groceries or anything. She even makes his bed and does his laundry for him. Not only that but she has given him money while on a run after I told her not to give him any because he was high, She told me that he didn't look high. Like I dont know my husband. And you know what she had to say about that? Well its his money not yours. Nice eh. Now she is complaining that the facility he is in is to strict, like jail. Anyone who wants to visit him and is in his inner circle like me or his parents have to go to two information sessions on living with an addict. She is complaining because she doesn't see that she needs any help. I have not only been battling him with his disease but her also. She refuses to let him fall, so my hands are tied. As long as she wont change he can continue to use drugs and use her and not hit his bottom. We have argued so many times about his mother interfering and he thinks she is the greatest support he has. Better than me. I love coming here, whenever I start questioning my decisions I stop in my tracks and try to get on here. It gives me strength to move forward. Thank you all so much.
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Old 01-16-2009, 03:55 PM
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Welcome to SR!

My response will be brief and think about this statement before any decision you make and it will help guide you in releasing the guilt and fear you feel associated with his addiction.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

With that being said.... let him go for awhile... the next person he shacks up with will eventually let him go and so on and so on until he hits his bottom. Think of your children and self first! It's painful at first but the peace is like a gift from heaven!!!
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Old 01-18-2009, 08:22 PM
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manipulation

Originally Posted by pegasus View Post
Thank you both so much for the quick reply.
Suemarie:I can almost bet he will beg you to let him come back and he may throw the guilt trip at you ( manipulation) but stay strong and don't let him push your buttons!

You are so right about the manipulation, this is where he gets me every time. He uses the kids and tries to make me feel quilty. By saying things like " stop using the kids against me" or "you know they love me why would you hurt them by not letting them see there father" blah, blah, blah

My CH tells me that he can't promise that he wont ever use again. But saying that toaday he doesn't and hopes that he never will. This is probably the most truthful thing he's ever said. He says he has to take it one day at a time. But I feel that it is unfair for him to think I can live one day at a time. That doesn't give me any comfort. Nothing will change in my thinking and everyday I will wonder if this is the day he falls off. Not a way to live.

So now I will have to go see a lawyer and get custody. I am just so tired of all of this. I cant wait for it to be over. But sadly I dont think that he will accept this easily.

Please just pray that I can really do it this time, for good

Peg
Oh yes, I can see how he can USE the kids as a manipulative tactic to come back. See what I mean? Its all about them and thier continuance to use thier drug. They will say and do whatever they can. He's not thinking about what he does to his family. He thinks like an addict.

"My CH tells me that he can't promise that he wont ever use again." Thats what they all say. My exch kept saying the same thing, its an "out" for them. They also know that they love thier drug more than anything. Its funny though, one day they promise it will never happen again and they next day they can't promise it will happen again.... Grrrrrr! They know how to keep you running in circles!

I also, wanted to comment on your other post about his mother. OMG! thats exactly what I had to deal with. My ex mother-in-law was the biggest enabler like yours. I too had a terrible time trying to convince her and the rest of the family that they were actually supporting his habit. They couldn't see it. All they could see was that he needed thier help and they were scared to see him die but what they don't realize is that they are helping him to die. So I wanted to let you know that you arent alone with that problem. I know just how you feel. Its frustrating. I wanted to yell at her "what part of NO don't you understand?" Geeezzz

I hope things are going ok for you. You and the kids are still in my thoughts and prayers. :praying
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Old 01-19-2009, 10:45 AM
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It's funny now, but it wasn't back then. Mine came home after a three day binge and told me that "he was done with the stuff". He threw his pipe off the balcony. The next morning, who was out on the lawn picking it up? Wow, clean for a whole night.
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