gwendy13

Well I am now on Day 4 of W/D from Oxycodone. I still can't sleep through the night and I am still cold all of the time. My husband doesn't get it and still turns off the heater. Although on a positive note now the need for the pill is gone. The crying has stopped and I can actually get out of bed and function. Like clean my house and take care of child. I will admit though that if I don't keep myself busy that my mind starts to wander to the pill. I was so happy taking them and I can remember being happy no matter what I was doing. Now it seems like if I am not doing what I want to do that I can't even be content with doing it. Anyway I am now battling with my own mental addiction and not the physical anymore. I remember feeling good and functional and that is the part that bothers me the most, thinking I cannot function by myself. Those pills had become my happiness receptors for so long my body doesn't know how to make happiness by itself and that bothers me. However I will admit that smoking a little bit of weed did stop all the withdrawal pain I had, made me laugh and I didn't even think of being on pills not once. I was able to eat a little more since my appetite had been erased. I still do have bad back problems so I take a soma or two a day to help me relax and since it is not my drug of choice I have no thoughts of abusing them. I am still waiting for the "normal feeling" to return to me too.

However twist and positive note to my sharing. I have been in plans for the past 6 months I have been involved in a surrogacy program. I had been on the Percocet for almost two years straight at about 8-10 pills a day.

I was so convinced that I needed them for back that I just kept taking them. The truth is that I did need them for back, I just didn't need as many as I was taking.

So my husband kept asking me..."How are you planning to do this surrogacy thing and take those pills everyday"?

Mmh I replied I guess I will just quit. Well the day came that I ran out of pain killers before the date I was supposed to get this refilled and I was forced to stop cold turkey. (another reason that I have second thoughts about staying clean...because the only way to stay clean is to want to do it FOR YOURSELF) I would still be doing them if I had timed my pills better.

However now that the contract is signed and the surrogacy is coming to a pass, I feel conflicted to get them refilled because I really am in a lot of pain and the Doctor said that while I am pregnant taking pain killers occasionally wont make any harm toward the child. So I guess my thoughts are....

Can I do it? Can I take them sparingly? Can I know that they are in the house and not abuse them? Should I take a chance.

If I do use them as directed this time...because of my past and past W/D episode will that happen again?

Well these are my thoughts and I post them because I know that reading these entries really do help me know that I am not alone and I hope that all my babbling will help someone relate to my situation.

I have always been subjected to the drug scene throughout my whole life. My mother was an addict and my father was an addict. My father slammed Meth and my mother was a big Meth addict. I started smoking weed at an early age and tried a few drugs. I did a three year stint of smoking and snorting Meth. I weighed 98 pounds and made my BF at the time sick. (even though he was an alcoholic). Anyway I quit Meth cold turkey the day I smoked an entire 8ball to myself and didn't even get high because my tolerance was so high. I just quit. It wasn't hard at all. I quit smoking weed shortly after because I joined the AF. Weed was a little harder to quit since it was so harmless and made everything feel great. However I served 6 years in the military. I want to say drug free but I guess the pain killers were technically drugs since I did them for fun on top of the need for them.

I remember visiting my mother at rehab and having to stay with all of my mothers drug addict or recovering drug addicts friends houses. They all had no kids and I was forced to spend my years up until age 6 with just adults (seasoned adults...if you get my drift) Anyway this caused me to grow up way to fast. By 24 I have already had two kids and two marriages and still trying to hold. When I was younger I was invincable and now the thought of leaving my kids for rehab makes me sick... I mean don't take it the wrong way people have to do what they have to do to get clean for themselves and their families. I respect my mother for taking the time to make a better life for me. As a mother though I now know how much it broke her heart to have me cling to her legs and cry for her not to leave me with strangers or to leave me period. I now know how that broke her heart and I know how it would break mine.

I share my first son with my first husband and we take turns sharing him every other four months. He lives in NY and I live in CA and I give him up for four months at a time to my ex then I get him back for my four months.

Having my child scream for either me or my ex hubby at the Airport everytime we do the transfer is heart breaking he is only going to be 4 and can't even say goodbye to anyone he hates it so much. My child already has separation issues from everybody leaving him all the time. Two different families and two different states he cries mommy don't leave me please I want to stay with you and vise versa with his father. It breaks my heart so I know that I have to clean up my act while it is still small enough to handle on my own.


Well I guess I have babbled on enough... sorry if this was too long and annoying.