thank you all for your replies! i'm sorry if im not making a whole lot of sense right now as im both drunk and wired on blow. I know that's bad - I can feel it. But right now i'm not prepared to stop myself, as i've been going all night. I'm sure you all can understand...
Tomorrow I will feel different. I will wake up with guilt and remorse, as I always do. I will be rediculously hungover, and will promise myself that I will never do any of this again. I have said that to myself so many times it's becoming more of a joke than anything.
I'm a loner. I have a lot of friends, but none that I have ever let get even remotely close to me. I keep everyone at arms length. Nobody can crack me. But I enjoy my solitude, mostly because as long as it's just me I rarely drink or do drugs. Not that I don't EVER when i'm alone, but not like I do when I see any friends.
Some of you will say that I need to abandon thse friends that get me into this siuation. The problem is that it isn't them, it's me that gets THEM into trouble. IM the bad guy here. IM the bad influence. only because I can't conrol myself. Most of my friends are afraid to hang out with me now because I get THEM in trouble.
This is why i've lately been resorting to being a hermit. I figure, if I stay home and talk to no one, then I can't get into trouble. But like me, the friends that I have corrupted are also now weak to influence, and will resort to all means to contact me when they go out, because I know how to 'hook up'. Once they say those words, i'm done. I have no will power to resist.
I suppose I am not entirely to blame for their behavior, but I acknowlege that I am a part. That makes me feel like utter crap.
Another thing that I suppose has made me act the way I do is that I was influenced by an older guy when I was a young teen, who convinced me to try injecting coke once when I was 14. I never injected anything else EVER since - but I do remember getting my buddy to try it. About a year later, he died from a heroin overdose. I can't hel;p but think I had a part to play in his death.
I believe I helped kill my friend. My best friend. I hate myself.
I am happy to be here - Just from the last 3 hours after joining, I feel a renewed sense of hope. I know I am not alone. You will all be hearing lots of my whining for a while, I hope you don't mind. I need to turn my life around now - I have much to lose. I know if I were to die prematurely, my dad would surely be right behind me, as well as the majority of my family, as I am the pillar upon which they rest. I keep them together, I bring order to disorder in my family. I love them. I cannot continue to fail them.