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Old 01-10-2009, 04:44 AM
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I'm new here...

Hi folks! I'm new to this site, and just wanted to get some stuff of my chest.

I'm both an alcoholic and an addict. I'm a successful 29 year old businessman, with a college education and a good family. Don't ask me how this happened to me because I don't exactly know, though I think it's been a culmination of thousands of things since childhood.

I'm not your wake up in the morning drinker. In fact I will often go several days, even weeks, without a drink. But if I have 1, I have 100. Or at least i'll drink untill the heartburn is so bad I can no longer stomach it.

Plus, I do Coke. I hate that I do it. I have told myself literally hundreds of times that I will not do it again, only to go out drinking and then do it again. I sit here with a half ball in front of my face snorting coke as I type, and a fridge full of beer, wine and rye that I am more than happy to plunder.

I hope I have found the right place to talk about these sorts of things. I have a problem, and I need to change. I don't know where to start, but I know I need to start somewhere. I'm not religious, so don't bring that up - I was raised christian but I reject religion; It is a crux of violence.

I believe I am a good person, but I realize that I may be mistaken. I could be the very evil that I resent.

Can someone tell me that i'm not crazy? Or am I?

Help...
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Old 01-10-2009, 04:51 AM
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Hi, I am new here myself.

I, like you have not found that solitude yet!!! I am still active. I have been stalking many threads, trying to read here as much as possible... which can prove to be difficult with two children on my lap and at times my partner over my shoulder.

I can tell you that you are NOT CRAZY, but I may be mistaken.. lol

IMO, you just made a huge leap into something good. It took a lot to post your words. It is difficult in many ways to ask for help, and you just jumped over the hardest part!

As I said, I am also new, but I am certain that you will receive many awesome posts from others who know what they are talking about...
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Old 01-10-2009, 04:58 AM
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Hi caseyMarie,

Thanks for posting - just knowing that someone is listening is a huge help! At the very least I can know i'm not alone.

I don't have any children - which is probably good because I grew up in an alcoholic family and guess what happened to me? Though I was warned by my mother from childhood yet somehow I would not listen. Now I wish I would have...

What brings you here?
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:03 AM
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Welcome!

Welcome, Sn0! You've found a great site - the folks here are extremely well-informed and very caring. I haven't shaken my habit entirely yet but my best progress was made when I was staying in touch with this site.
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:05 AM
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I figure my children are totally doomed... products of two alcoholic parents... ugh!

What brings me here....

Well, I guess the #1 reason I have come here is for support. The fact that I have not yet found outside support, but want it so badly.
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:09 AM
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Hi Crayola! Thanks for posting! Have you been here long? I just joined up an hour ago at most, and I really don't know anything about this site, other than that from my short stalking period here I found that the material here reflects my own issues..

I have to say - being that i'm a very senior member on another site that also offers help of another sort, I am somewhat humbled by joining another site where I am a total newbie...but I truly hope that by being here I can find some sort of solace/assistance in making the changes that I know I need to make.
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:45 AM
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hey snoman-
so glad youre here. you sound like a photo copy of me at 29 (i am 47 now). i was making money, great job, good family (very thankful i didnt lose any of this in my coke/alcohol stupor- still working on it everyday). i had the cash to buy coke and it was pretty much routine on weekends to get that 8 and stay up drinking a river most of the weekend. taking sunday to try to resemble a human being on monday for my job. i was 'functioning addict' as they say- good at my work- even better at my drinking and coke. dude- it will catch up with you if you dont cut it out, in a big time way. please keep posting on this site and reading- the best way is to have support like this, having others to talk to about it is very helpful to me.
best wishes to you and your family!!! you can do this.
dub
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by dedubya View Post
hey snoman-
so glad youre here. you sound like a photo copy of me at 29 (i am 47 now). i was making money, great job, good family (very thankful i didnt lose any of this in my coke/alcohol stupor- still working on it everyday). i had the cash to buy coke and it was pretty much routine on weekends to get that 8 and stay up drinking a river most of the weekend. taking sunday to try to resemble a human being on monday for my job. i was 'functioning addict' as they say- good at my work- even better at my drinking and coke. dude- it will catch up with you if you dont cut it out, in a big time way. please keep posting on this site and reading- the best way is to have support like this, having others to talk to about it is very helpful to me.
best wishes to you and your family!!! you can do this.
dub
Thank you for posting!!! That's just it though - it IS catching up with me. There was a 1 month period last year where I basically gave up all control of my business (corporation) to my senior employee - because I was too busy getting high....sick hey? I think that was about when I realized I had a serious problem. But I never knew where to turn....the problem is that my town is small enough (200,000) that if I were to attend any meetings of any sort I would be instantly recognized, and that could cause a potential disaster for my business, which, in my town, is highly reputable. I keep my problem so secret and can lie so well that no one even knows there is a problem...only me

And there inlies another problem - i'm resorting to lies. I am not a liar, and to catch myself lying to cover up my destructive behavior is a major ultimate red flag. I'm freaked. I don't know how I got here. This isn't me!!! I just can't believe that i'm beginning to embody all thise things that as a child I considered EVIL.

Im a mess.
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:42 AM
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Hi snoman..Welcome..
I know that feels to know I will run into someone that knows me at a meeting or something like that. But if your seeing someone there. Most likely they are there for the same reason. But I get it.
Catching yourself lieing will be just the tip of the iceburg. This is a progressive thing. Ultimately..Others will catch you in lies. People can only function for so long until your addiction will start telling on you.
There are other methods to get help. If your not comfortable with meetings. You can always find a one on one counselor. Maybe if there is another town close by where you dont know too many people or noone at all. You could always go that route.
But you have to try. Effort if most of it. Im my opinon. Not saying you havent tried.
But it is hard work. and you have to be really committed to stopping. And to stay stopped. It is possible.
This is a great palce with lots and lots of great people who are understanding and supportive. Lots of info here too.
Hope to see more of you.


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Old 01-10-2009, 06:49 AM
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No, you're not crazy - just addicted. I wanted to stop drinking so badly but couldn't do it by myself, and even with the help of counseling, rehab three times, AA, and this site, it was still seven months after I decided to quit that I was able to stay sober. You've come to a good place for support. There is also a secular forum you may want to look at if you have problems with the religious aspect of AA.

Welcome!
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:51 AM
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Thank you for posting!!! That's just it though - it IS catching up with me. There was a 1 month period last year where I basically gave up all control of my business (corporation) to my senior employee - because I was too busy getting high....sick hey? I think that was about when I realized I had a serious problem. But I never knew where to turn....the problem is that my town is small enough (200,000) that if I were to attend any meetings of any sort I would be instantly recognized, and that could cause a potential disaster for my business, which, in my town, is highly reputable. I keep my problem so secret and can lie so well that no one even knows there is a problem...only me

And there inlies another problem - i'm resorting to lies. I am not a liar, and to catch myself lying to cover up my destructive behavior is a major ultimate red flag. I'm freaked. I don't know how I got here. This isn't me!!! I just can't believe that i'm beginning to embody all thise things that as a child I considered EVIL.


WOW- our similarities are astonishing. Same situation with the town, I know almost everyone due to my work and certain i would know someone at the meeting. I can only say what i have done that worked best for me- first i cut off all relationships that were even remotely associated with coke (not to mention if you are serious about your job and it sounds like you are- being found out to be on coke is much worse than being seen in a meeting to improve a problem), once i quit i realized i was getting screwed and screwing myself at the same time. I can also say that when i drank, after quitting the coke, i was very vulnerable to going back to it, so the drinking had to stop. My recommendation, humbly and i am not a pro, is to see an addiction counselor immediately. Thats what I did and still do every couple of weeks at least, its completely confidential BY LAW, so you can really open up and find out whats going on in my rearranged brain. it has helped me IMMENSELY. and you sound like an intelligent young man, so if you are like me you will find the discussions with the psychologist very interesting and intellectually enlightening- seriously! I also replaced the time I used to get smashed with exercise, it gets the same chemicals in your brain going that the dope and alcohol does but in a natural way- not to mention you get healthy in the process. If the one on one doesnt work- i have a friend just like us, almost exactly, that took a 3 week vacation to 'visit family' as far as everyone knew- but went to a rehab and he has been sober completely for over 2 years.

Having said all that- i relapse on alcohol more than i would like- i am struggling big time to get that under control. The drugs are long gone, that is a big hole i dont want to be in any longer. Keep posting here- it has made me much stronger being around people that understand the struggle- it is a great step for you to start interacting here!!!! great peeps i have found on this site.
Best to you-
dubya
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:54 AM
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Welcome Snoman, this is a great site and I would not have made it to Day 10 without it.

You will find alot of support here. Remember ...one day at a tiime.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:21 AM
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Hi SnOman and welcome. This site is full of wonderful people willing to share their experiences (like you) and is an invaluable resource.

I understand your comment about religion. I have had the same reaction to many organized religions and still respond negatively to having had religion pressed upon me as a child, a religion in which I found little comfort only criticism--I came away feeling bad and evil, which is the same way I feel when I drink.

But what I have found is I have a need for spirituality, which for me is WAY different than religion. Jung used the expression "spiritus contra spiritum" to describe this need, which I understand as spiritual thirst being addressed with other spirits (i.e., alcohol). This makes some sense to me. For me spirituality is about finding my real self because I know that the person who drinks too much, they way I feel and act when in a stupor, IS NOT ME.

Like you, I can take or leave alcohol for days or weeks at a time, and if I do quit I only feel better. But when I do drink, stopping is a big problem.

What I have learned on this site is that I need to go after (understand) the behavior behind my taking that first drink. The more conscious I am of my behavior, the less likely I will pick up. One SR member (sorry I cannot give due credit right now) recently made a list of things s/he has learned about drinking, one of which was that the most insane thing s/he ever did was to take that first drink sober: how crazy is that knowing what it will lead to? I have reminded myself of this line repeatedly and it has been very helpful.

Glad you are here.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:35 AM
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But I never knew where to turn....the problem is that my town is small enough (200,000) that if I were to attend any meetings of any sort I would be instantly recognized, and that could cause a potential disaster for my business, which, in my town, is highly reputable. I keep my problem so secret and can lie so well that no one even knows there is a problem...only me
Do you go to another town to drink and score drugs? If not I guarantee you there are already people that know you have a drinking problem. I thought my drinking was a great big secret too, and when I "came out the closet" so to speak about going to AA the consensus reaction was "its about time".

I suspect in your case a lot more people know, or suspect, that you have an issue than you are ready to admit.

In any event, you have found a great place for support.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:35 AM
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Welcome Sn0, Casey

This is a great first step, coming here. You'll find all kinds of love, support, experience, and guidance.

My question to both of you... Do you want to be sober? Are you done yet?

Stick around, read and read... (and most of us are a tad crazy, but hey... that's ok!).

Casey, regarding the worry about your children.. I really believe it's one thing for children to be born of alcoholics, and quite another to be raised by alcoholics. This is where you come in. Ready to do what you can to end this cycle? I grew up in an alcoholic family.. sure my genes may have left me predisposed for alcoholism, but then I also grew up learning that alcohol was a coping skill. Double whammy of sorts.

Sn0, years ago I also would do coke when I drank. VISCIOUS cycle! Get all high, drink to calm down, do another line cuz I was feeling all drunk and tired.. drink more to sleep, give up on sleep cuz I just may as well do another line. geesh.. that sucked! Talk about having your hands tied! Maybe if you didn't drink, you wouldn't do coke? I don't know, isn't it worth a try?

I'm glad you're both here.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:37 AM
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thank you all for your replies! i'm sorry if im not making a whole lot of sense right now as im both drunk and wired on blow. I know that's bad - I can feel it. But right now i'm not prepared to stop myself, as i've been going all night. I'm sure you all can understand...

Tomorrow I will feel different. I will wake up with guilt and remorse, as I always do. I will be rediculously hungover, and will promise myself that I will never do any of this again. I have said that to myself so many times it's becoming more of a joke than anything.

I'm a loner. I have a lot of friends, but none that I have ever let get even remotely close to me. I keep everyone at arms length. Nobody can crack me. But I enjoy my solitude, mostly because as long as it's just me I rarely drink or do drugs. Not that I don't EVER when i'm alone, but not like I do when I see any friends.

Some of you will say that I need to abandon thse friends that get me into this siuation. The problem is that it isn't them, it's me that gets THEM into trouble. IM the bad guy here. IM the bad influence. only because I can't conrol myself. Most of my friends are afraid to hang out with me now because I get THEM in trouble.

This is why i've lately been resorting to being a hermit. I figure, if I stay home and talk to no one, then I can't get into trouble. But like me, the friends that I have corrupted are also now weak to influence, and will resort to all means to contact me when they go out, because I know how to 'hook up'. Once they say those words, i'm done. I have no will power to resist.

I suppose I am not entirely to blame for their behavior, but I acknowlege that I am a part. That makes me feel like utter crap.

Another thing that I suppose has made me act the way I do is that I was influenced by an older guy when I was a young teen, who convinced me to try injecting coke once when I was 14. I never injected anything else EVER since - but I do remember getting my buddy to try it. About a year later, he died from a heroin overdose. I can't hel;p but think I had a part to play in his death.

I believe I helped kill my friend. My best friend. I hate myself.

I am happy to be here - Just from the last 3 hours after joining, I feel a renewed sense of hope. I know I am not alone. You will all be hearing lots of my whining for a while, I hope you don't mind. I need to turn my life around now - I have much to lose. I know if I were to die prematurely, my dad would surely be right behind me, as well as the majority of my family, as I am the pillar upon which they rest. I keep them together, I bring order to disorder in my family. I love them. I cannot continue to fail them.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:44 AM
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Glad you are here and you are not alone.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:53 AM
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Ok slow down.. breathe...

You can only take care of yourself right now. As you know, you are the one that takes the drink.. that snorts the coke. Your friends will do what they do.. Your best friend made choices on his own too.

If you were to overdose on coke, or die an alcoholic death, would you want anyone feeling blame? I doubt it.

This is the time for you to love YOU, and worry about YOU, and be responsible for you... Who knows, maybe you'll turn into the "good influence" guy, or maybe your friends will find another 'bad' influence to depend on.

We are all here for you!
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Theresa View Post
Hi SnOman and welcome. This site is full of wonderful people willing to share their experiences (like you) and is an invaluable resource.

I understand your comment about religion. I have had the same reaction to many organized religions and still respond negatively to having had religion pressed upon me as a child, a religion in which I found little comfort only criticism--I came away feeling bad and evil, which is the same way I feel when I drink.

But what I have found is I have a need for spirituality, which for me is WAY different than religion. Jung used the expression "spiritus contra spiritum" to describe this need, which I understand as spiritual thirst being addressed with other spirits (i.e., alcohol). This makes some sense to me. For me spirituality is about finding my real self because I know that the person who drinks too much, they way I feel and act when in a stupor, IS NOT ME.

Like you, I can take or leave alcohol for days or weeks at a time, and if I do quit I only feel better. But when I do drink, stopping is a big problem.

What I have learned on this site is that I need to go after (understand) the behavior behind my taking that first drink. The more conscious I am of my behavior, the less likely I will pick up. One SR member (sorry I cannot give due credit right now) recently made a list of things s/he has learned about drinking, one of which was that the most insane thing s/he ever did was to take that first drink sober: how crazy is that knowing what it will lead to? I have reminded myself of this line repeatedly and it has been very helpful.

Glad you are here.
Thanks Theresa

Over the years, I have abandoned religion, because I honestly believe it is a lie. I have seen what religion does to people, something I was blind to when I was a part of it, but something that has become quite apparent now that I have left it behind.

I am not going to judge people who are religious, nor down talk their beliefs. I have just come to find faith in someting else: science. And not just accepted science, but the science of what is probable.

I won't get into it here, as it is a discussion unrelated to the purpose of this site, but I can say I found comfort in the science and a renewed sense of 'faith', though that faith I speak of is not one of blind faith but of the search for the provable truth.

I think religion can be improtant to some people when trying to recover from a disease such as ours. Moreso, I think it is faith that helps people recover - whatever that faith may be. the human mind is capable of unimaginable wonders, and often we find these wonders present themselves when they are drawn upon by people who truly believe in something - but I find that something is not bound by any religion.
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Old 01-10-2009, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by flutter View Post
Ok slow down.. breathe...

You can only take care of yourself right now. As you know, you are the one that takes the drink.. that snorts the coke. Your friends will do what they do.. Your best friend made choices on his own too.

If you were to overdose on coke, or die an alcoholic death, would you want anyone feeling blame? I doubt it.

This is the time for you to love YOU, and worry about YOU, and be responsible for you... Who knows, maybe you'll turn into the "good influence" guy, or maybe your friends will find another 'bad' influence to depend on.

We are all here for you!
haha thanks, it's ok i'm not freaking out. just idle ramblings of a distorted mind.
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