Thank you for posting!!! That's just it though - it IS catching up with me. There was a 1 month period last year where I basically gave up all control of my business (corporation) to my senior employee - because I was too busy getting high....sick hey? I think that was about when I realized I had a serious problem. But I never knew where to turn....the problem is that my town is small enough (200,000) that if I were to attend any meetings of any sort I would be instantly recognized, and that could cause a potential disaster for my business, which, in my town, is highly reputable. I keep my problem so secret and can lie so well that no one even knows there is a problem...only me
And there inlies another problem - i'm resorting to lies. I am not a liar, and to catch myself lying to cover up my destructive behavior is a major ultimate red flag. I'm freaked. I don't know how I got here. This isn't me!!! I just can't believe that i'm beginning to embody all thise things that as a child I considered EVIL.
WOW- our similarities are astonishing. Same situation with the town, I know almost everyone due to my work and certain i would know someone at the meeting. I can only say what i have done that worked best for me- first i cut off all relationships that were even remotely associated with coke (not to mention if you are serious about your job and it sounds like you are- being found out to be on coke is much worse than being seen in a meeting to improve a problem), once i quit i realized i was getting screwed and screwing myself at the same time. I can also say that when i drank, after quitting the coke, i was very vulnerable to going back to it, so the drinking had to stop. My recommendation, humbly and i am not a pro, is to see an addiction counselor immediately. Thats what I did and still do every couple of weeks at least, its completely confidential BY LAW, so you can really open up and find out whats going on in my rearranged brain. it has helped me IMMENSELY. and you sound like an intelligent young man, so if you are like me you will find the discussions with the psychologist very interesting and intellectually enlightening- seriously! I also replaced the time I used to get smashed with exercise, it gets the same chemicals in your brain going that the dope and alcohol does but in a natural way- not to mention you get healthy in the process. If the one on one doesnt work- i have a friend just like us, almost exactly, that took a 3 week vacation to 'visit family' as far as everyone knew- but went to a rehab and he has been sober completely for over 2 years.
Having said all that- i relapse on alcohol more than i would like- i am struggling big time to get that under control. The drugs are long gone, that is a big hole i dont want to be in any longer. Keep posting here- it has made me much stronger being around people that understand the struggle- it is a great step for you to start interacting here!!!! great peeps i have found on this site.
Best to you-
dubya