Feel like a jerk
I feel like an idiot! As usual, whenever I do anything regarding ABF this is how i usually feel. He got locked up last week, and although he begged, and promised to pay me back (with no job and eight dollars in the bank) to bail him out, I refused. That was the one and ONLY call from him, which shocked me because when he got his DUI over the summer, he must have called me 15 times from the holding cell!
Anyway, all week I have actually been worried that something bad had happened to him in jail for him not to be calling me. I also have been worried because he was on his motorcycle when he got arrested, and I have been worried about where the bike is, and thinking I should probably figure out how to get it out of impound for him. Yesterday I called the jail and was fortunate enough to talk to a very nice woman. I explained his Bipolar and severe anxiety issues, the fact that he was possibly experiencing bad withdrawals etc. I asked if there was anyway she could let me know if he was okay. Was he in medical? at the hospital? All the worst-case scenarios I could possibly imagine.
Her answer? He's in population Ma'am. That's it, no severe health issues, full access to a phone. Hmmm, I kick him out last month, ask and pretty much demand he stay away, although my mom says I was giving him mixed messages by even allowing him to come back and forth to get his stuff. And now, I spend gobs of time worried about him. Before finding out his current situation in jail, I discussed with a friend my concern about his motorcycle, and how I really didn't want to see him lose it. So this friend contacts insiders that he knows, and actually was able to access the information from the arrest report. Turns out I am worried about nothing. Of course he won't let himself lose anything. Got permission from the arresting officer to call a friend (one I've never even heard of) to pick up the bike. The officer actually waited to bring him to jail until the friend came to the scene to get the bike, so it wouldn't be stolen.
Just really feel like a big, stupid jerk! I have spent just about every spare second on this site trying to learn about the part I have played in this relationship and the many others just like it in the past. Have been thinking, okay, I'm not too bad. Advice seems pretty clear-cut and simple. Don't want to deal with consequences of ABF's choices? Remove him from your life. Guess that's not as easily accomplished as it sounds.
I feel like I am pretty sick. I know where he is, and can now focus my energies on my daughter and myself.. So why? why can't I just let go? Stop worrying about him and what might happen to him?
I mean two weeks ago I was at my threshold as far as my anger and rage level because of what he has done to us. And now, here I am worrying whether he's going to lose his stupid motorcycle and what can I do to ease HIS burden. I don't know, guess I just haven't been reading enough. Thanks for letting me vent.