Feel like a jerk

Old 01-10-2009, 06:16 AM
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Feel like a jerk

I feel like an idiot! As usual, whenever I do anything regarding ABF this is how i usually feel. He got locked up last week, and although he begged, and promised to pay me back (with no job and eight dollars in the bank) to bail him out, I refused. That was the one and ONLY call from him, which shocked me because when he got his DUI over the summer, he must have called me 15 times from the holding cell!
Anyway, all week I have actually been worried that something bad had happened to him in jail for him not to be calling me. I also have been worried because he was on his motorcycle when he got arrested, and I have been worried about where the bike is, and thinking I should probably figure out how to get it out of impound for him. Yesterday I called the jail and was fortunate enough to talk to a very nice woman. I explained his Bipolar and severe anxiety issues, the fact that he was possibly experiencing bad withdrawals etc. I asked if there was anyway she could let me know if he was okay. Was he in medical? at the hospital? All the worst-case scenarios I could possibly imagine.
Her answer? He's in population Ma'am. That's it, no severe health issues, full access to a phone. Hmmm, I kick him out last month, ask and pretty much demand he stay away, although my mom says I was giving him mixed messages by even allowing him to come back and forth to get his stuff. And now, I spend gobs of time worried about him. Before finding out his current situation in jail, I discussed with a friend my concern about his motorcycle, and how I really didn't want to see him lose it. So this friend contacts insiders that he knows, and actually was able to access the information from the arrest report. Turns out I am worried about nothing. Of course he won't let himself lose anything. Got permission from the arresting officer to call a friend (one I've never even heard of) to pick up the bike. The officer actually waited to bring him to jail until the friend came to the scene to get the bike, so it wouldn't be stolen.
Just really feel like a big, stupid jerk! I have spent just about every spare second on this site trying to learn about the part I have played in this relationship and the many others just like it in the past. Have been thinking, okay, I'm not too bad. Advice seems pretty clear-cut and simple. Don't want to deal with consequences of ABF's choices? Remove him from your life. Guess that's not as easily accomplished as it sounds.
I feel like I am pretty sick. I know where he is, and can now focus my energies on my daughter and myself.. So why? why can't I just let go? Stop worrying about him and what might happen to him?
I mean two weeks ago I was at my threshold as far as my anger and rage level because of what he has done to us. And now, here I am worrying whether he's going to lose his stupid motorcycle and what can I do to ease HIS burden. I don't know, guess I just haven't been reading enough. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:25 AM
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Hey bmychelle. You may want to check some readings on co-dependence. I wish you the best. I know it's not easy to make that sort of change with a clean break......Good luck....
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:26 AM
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(((bmychelle)))))

Don't beat yourself up over it anymore...

True, you may have wasted precious energy worrying over something but the most important thing is .. is that you did not bail him out of jail and the powers at be allowed you not to rescue him with the situation with his motercycle..

Letting go and not worrying is hard.. just take things one day at a time and worry about this one moment that we have right now...

Have you been to alanon? If not I highly encourage you to go... you will find lots of people just like you coming to grips with their demons..
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:27 AM
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Actually you are doing just fine. You are starting to realize that your worrying is wasted energy. That is an improvement because you are seeing your problems and trying to do something about them. You are beginning to get insight. That is a good thing. It is really hard to change long standing patterns but the fact that you want to is a good beginning. And you have learned a very important lesson. The lesson that your addict is capable of doing things for himself (ie. taking care of the motorcycle). Now you know that if he wants to be clean, he can find a way. He does not need you for that. Kind of freeing isn't it. You can move forward with your life and he can with his if he chooses to do so. Do something nice for yourself and your child today. Try to spend the day thinking about what you want and stop beating yourself up about the past. It is over and done and you can only learn from it and let it go. Hugs, Marle
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:54 PM
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Meetings helped me too, so I too would encourage you to try a few. I'm glad you are recognizing that your energy is wasted spent worrying about him. Now is the time to recharge so you will be strong when he next needs to manipulate you to get what he wants.
One thought that really helped me when I kept wanting to rescue, was the realization that the more I did so, the more I prolonged drug use since I kept filling in the holes so my daughter could not reach a bottom. Knowing that my action could actually make her sicker helped me to detach and to finally say no. Hugs
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Old 01-10-2009, 01:18 PM
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It takes a REALLY long time for us to learn to let go. It is not a competency that comes to codependents (like me) very easily.

One thing that helped me is to write out all the "stories" I was telling myself. It sounds like you had some pretty scary stories you told yourself about your ABF's safety, motorcycle, etc.

Once I've looked at the stories, I ask myself - what do I know for sure is actual fact and what am I making up out of my own fears. That usually helps me see how I am scaring myself.

I also noticed that I would tell myself 57 different stories about my addict and some other thing would actually happen. I think I tried to tell myself stories so I could act to fix or control the situation and maintain an illusion of control in an uncontrollable situation. After noticing this for a while I started giving up the stories.

When I gave up telling myself scary stories, I was left with just the facts. (Like, my addict is in jail and I don't know what's going on and the authorities won't tell me, period).

Once I looked at the facts, I realized just how helpless I was to control the situation. Which left me with just my life and what I wanted to do for myself - which for me was the real question. Who am I without my addict.

I've spent the last year answering that question and I'm still working on it.

I hope you are able to notice your "stories" and let go with love - both for yourself and your addict. In this life, its all we can do to "fix" ourselves - it is an inside job.

Prayers that you find peace and freedom.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:27 PM
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Thanks All, WOW! I really am starting to love this place. What a nice feeling to have people say it's okay, we know what you're doing..we've done it too etc. I honestly do realize on some intellectual level that there is absolutely nothing I can do about his behavior or that of the other addicts in my life ( and there are several). It's actually embarrassing to admit some of the thoughts and feelings I have been dealing with because these feelings and thoughts are opposite of what I KNOW is right. Does that make sense? It's the emotional thing I'm having trouble with. I now realize, and that realization came to me like a giant thunderbolt, about the part I have been playing in my relationships. For some reason am drawn to those in need of rescue....continually. I do want to figure out maybe why I do these things and stop before my daughter learns the wrong lessons for her future.
Now that I know what I am doing, it's time to figure out how to stop. I actually picked up the book codependent No More after hearing so much about it, am hoping it can provide me some more guidance.
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Old 01-11-2009, 02:01 AM
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It's actually embarrassing to admit some of the thoughts and feelings I have been dealing with because these feelings and thoughts are opposite of what I KNOW is right. Does that make sense? It's the emotional thing I'm having trouble with. I now realize, and that realization came to me like a giant thunderbolt, about the part I have been playing in my relationships. For some reason am drawn to those in need of rescue....continually. I do want to figure out maybe why I do these things and stop before my daughter learns the wrong lessons for her future.
Sweetie, you're not crazy, you're codependent just like most of us here. The good new is there is hope. Several years ago I found my way to meetings because I had tried everything else, I was emotionally and physically exhausted and lived in fear 24 hours a day. My first three meetings I just sat and cried, and that was okay. The people there handed me tissues and hugs and shared their stories and what I saw was that they had problems as bad or worse than mine and they had found a solution that brought them a peaceful, serene life.

Meetings saved my life, literally, and I promise that you can find many of your answers there. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, why not give them a try?

Let us know what you think of Codependent No More. When I first read it, I wanted royalties from that book because I could swear she was looking in MY window as she wrote.

Hugs
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Old 01-11-2009, 05:45 AM
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I can't wait to do that Ann. Honestly, I do cry when I read some of these things, as I recognize my patterns(didn't even realize I HAD patterns before SR). Before current ABF, I had been a single mom, working 45-60 hours a week, going to school full time etc. Nothing changed when we got involved a little more than two years ago except that my work load increased even more and my money was all gone. Everyone has always told me how strong I am, how much they admire me etc. And although I have always known I am more than able to accomplish whatever the task at hand was, I have felt like a fake, would weather any and all storms, push myself beyond reasonable limits, just so I wouldn't let anyone down. No matter how tired or vulnerable I felt. I have never admitted that before and am Kind of nervous about doing it now, but it feels like something I need to do. Btw, I was up half the night reading Codependent No More and decided I would highlight the areas that might be pertinent to me. WRONG....that would have to be pretty much EVERYTHING I have read so far. Had to put down the highlighter and just devour what I could before passing out. I think this book is amazingly accurate describing ME, can't wait to finish it. I had trouble putting it down because I was racing to find the page with the "cure". Although some of it is really difficult to digest, it is also very comforting.
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