Faithful,
[B]You need outside help [/B]if you really don't want to live this way any longer. You are ,without a doubt, an abuse victim. You live like one,talk like one,and think like one.
Are you a user as well?
I am so sorry for what you are living in. Things are so turned around and not as they should be. If you have anywhere to go (even a womans shelter) I would get out of there and just see if you can catch your breath. You are living in a haze, and need some clarity desperately. Online if you type in "spiritual retreats" often you can find places to go for extended periods of time for little, or no money at all. Alot of these places are run by Nuns, but despite your religious orientation, these are very safe places to go. These places are in exsistence to help those who need help.
If you could just be free from this toxic enviroment and man for any length of time you could find the strength you need to turn your life around, and break this abusive cycle. As long as you remain there I fear things will not only, not change, but continue to get worse.
You are so much better than the life you are living. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be valued,loved, and respected.
Much love-