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could use some advice....

Old 01-02-2009, 10:00 PM
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could use some advice....

Try to make a long story short. Addict lives with me. Won't stop using. Needs hospitalization for bad wounds that won't heal. keeps promising he'll go to hospital. Bugs me for money. Lays on couch all day in agony. Needs his drugs. I am enabling. Can't get him to hospital. he won't let me call ambulance. Today promised for 2 weeks today he'd go. Came time to go, wanted his drugs, asked for money. Now, still hasn't gone.

I need to move Again. Everytime I try to leave, he comes back, or I do. To help him. But I don't help.

I pay for and do everything. he on couch all day. he is very sick. wounds that won't heal from surgeries done last year. Won't go to doctor, I offer to take him.

I need to get out don't I? My house, my name on the lease, my money that feeds and clothes and takes care of him, I never clean enough, never do enough to help him.

I really need help. What do I do? He cannot take care of himself. :praying
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:27 AM
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Do you go out and score his drugs for him too or does he do that himself? What is his DOC?
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:34 AM
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Try an alanon meeting it is a support group for people that live with addicts
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Old 01-03-2009, 01:39 AM
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I was also codependent and you have to detach from them and their issues in order to survive. Would you give a child a pair of scissors even if they wanted to itch their eye with it? Even if they told you the other kids did it and they had done it before with no problems? Would you hand them a pair of scissors while they are balancing on one foot on a basketball and wanted to try something new? No-because it is dangerous and life threating and hazardous to their health. So why do we enable our addicted family in this way? Because we have been conditioned somewhere that it is o.k. to give in as long as things remain calm or temporarily o.k. Please take care of yourself and detach from his habits before they affect your mental health. Just my opinion...I will keep you in my thoughts
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Old 01-03-2009, 06:13 AM
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If you did not get him the drugs, what would he do? Is that a way to possible force the hospital issue?
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Old 01-03-2009, 06:33 AM
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I am a therapist myself and the only way you can force him depending on the state you live in is a commitment. Minus the substance abuse piece he has wounds that are not healing and not able to care for himself at this moment. Call 911 and have him taken/removed out of your home if he won't leave. If he's refusing medical treatment, then call the police to have him removed for the safety of all in the home and himself.

Is addict your spouse?? If not, this changes the whole dynamic/process of getting him out of your house.

There is nothing you can do for him at this point. He is draining you and I can hear that in the tone of your message.
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Old 01-03-2009, 06:53 AM
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Why is it different to have him removed if he is not a spouse. I lived in Pa and my ex was threatening to hurt himself. I called the cops and he was 302'd. The cops also told me I could have him "evicted". I had to "evict" him since he was getting mail there. They told me that even though he was NOT on my lease, he was a resident since he got mail. Could not allowing the wounds to heal be considered endangering "himself" and thus she could have him 302'd. Or whatever they call it in her state.
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Old 01-03-2009, 08:50 AM
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I am sorry you are still in this situation and still scared to death of this man...

Here is a link to your post a year ago...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ty-scared.html

PLEASE take the time to re-read it... there is alot of concern for your safety and well-being.

Sending prayers you find help....
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Old 01-03-2009, 09:04 AM
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Any idea how infectious Staph is?
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Old 01-03-2009, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
Can't get him to hospital. he won't let me call ambulance.
Do you need his permission to call? You have National Health Service and Social Service, have you called them?
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Old 01-03-2009, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
pretty lousy situation.......i would strongly urge you to STOP giving the addict MONEY to buy DRUGS. now, immediately, not one more dime. the actions, or inactions, that you are taking right now are NOT helping, except that they might very well help KILL Him.

any open wounds that will not heal indicate a very dangerous and probably contagious infection. like staph or mersa....not only is HE in danger, you are in a very dangerous position as well.

he is totally capable of taking care of himself....he simply doesn't have to cuz he has you. he's quite resourceful, isn't he? has a roof over his head, food, couch, unlimited supply of funds for drugs, nothing is asked of him......dude's got it made. and YOU hand it to him on a silver platter.

it's time to take the focus off of HIM, and take a good hard look at yourself, your motives.....in a sense, you have yourself a hostage...someone dependent upon YOU, and in order to KEEP him there, you supply him with dope. so he stays on the couch, and doesn't LEAVE you........and at what price?

you can change this ANY time you want. he won't.
As a sidebar....everytime I feel myself slipping into the "I can fix it" pattern, I ask myself what would that west coast cheesehead say and it snaps me back to reality. I appreciate your no nonsense approach.
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Old 01-03-2009, 10:26 AM
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If you don't have any children, I would get up and leave. Tell your landlord that you HAVE to break the lease, and go.

I have broken leases in the past- (not optimal) but this is serious business.... there are worse things in life than breaking your lease.

Such as living in a home where you have a sick sick addict exposing you to extremly dangerous situations.

Don't allow yourself to get stuck further. Let him wake up alone one morning- and just go.

Let him get thrown out (prob. by the landlord calling the police) He sounds like he needs to be admitted/committed to the hospital -

Perhaps you could call the authorities if you want to go that route and stay in your apartment...

Hope you find some peace and contentment in your life,
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Old 01-04-2009, 12:02 AM
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Thanks for all the replies.

You have no idea what it's like to live with someone who is groaning in agony all the time.
I do not score his drugs, they deliver like pizza, but I do yes contribute when he is begging in pain and agony

He has threatened me when I want to call an ambulance. When I ask if he's threatening me he says that they can't make him go anywhere

I am afraid to have him committed, as if they let him go a few days later, he will come back...and then what?

yes I can move but I have lots of stuff and no money to move...but I am working on that. Also I need to have a few movers here and possibly the police when I move. One time I moved a few years ago and he actually stabbed himself and told the police one of my friends who helped me move did it. I was brought in for questioning. Then he made me feel guilty about it for more than 2 years until last year he told me the truth.

He will not leave, I HAVE ASKED HIM he will not go

He does not have cancer

I know how contageous staph is and read all about it all the time as well as cover any cuts I get on my hands and go to see my doctor regularly. MRSA and staph usually attack people who are young, old or with compromised immune systems or with very deep cuts. I wash my hands all the time. I use gloves when I do his laundry. I have encouraged him to go to the doctors. I have been at the door of the hospital with him in the car and he has cried and not gone in. I CANNOT make a grown man do something, I ask him everyday when are we going to the hospital.

I have told him I don't want to live with him.

I have been to meetings and find they don't help.

I am currently in contact with a social worker ( I have had many conversations with mental health, and crisis lines and women's shelters.)

The bottom line is I cannot make him do something and I am too afraid to call the police or the ambulance because where I live they don't hold anyone in hospitals or jails if they can help it. Not more than one day unless it's over the weekend. He was up for something he got charged for last summer, put off the trial for a year and the last court case was due recently and that could have landed in him in jail and no surprise to me they dropped it 1 week before the court case, Like the do with most things where I live. The services I find, are not very much support, although I will be in contact with a social worker again next week and I have contacted 2 interventionist today and will be calling them (I found them on the net)

So it comes down to me sneaking around, trying to pack a few things, trying to get the money together to do it and then going to a shelter or living in my car or imposing on a friend maybe. And yes that's what it will have to come down to.

And if he damages the house when I leave (which I am afraid of) then I will be liable, since I am on the lease. And it's one more reference I don't have for moving anywhere else. But hey I did it to myself didn't I?
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Old 01-04-2009, 04:09 AM
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Yeah, I do know what it's like to live with someone like that. My 1st husband "claimed" to have back injury and was "in pain" for 8 years of our marriage. The second addict in my life "threatened" me once and I called the cops. He did 3 days in the psych ward and then I did not ALLOW him to come back. And since he was NOT on the lease, my landlord could have him thrown out. You do NOT have to live this way. There are options. Yeah, not pretty. And yeah, you may lose your apartment. But what is worse, losing your life.

For years, in my first marriage I saw no way out. Until I MADE a way. And it was not easy at first.

I gave all the excuses you are giving. Until my 1st husband did something so awful I had to leave. (It involved a SWAT team and our being on the 6 o'clock news)

And like my therapist told me 2 years prior...when you've had enough...you will leave. Hopefully, you won't be dead.
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Old 01-04-2009, 04:59 AM
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Hey there I am so sorry you are going thru this.

I have just recently left my H. His drug use is not a problem for him but it is for me so I left. He lays around the house moaning and groaning about how much he hurts all day. I am very sick of it. He is not ready to seek help and I am not sure he ever will be.

The bottom line is I have to take care of myself and do what I need to do to get my life going in the direction I want it to go in.

The house is my house it is in my name. I told him I am going to shut off the electricty soon so that may get him out sooner. If he does not leave soon there are other options open to me but I am giving him the chance to gather his stuff and get out.

When you have had enough you will know.
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Old 01-04-2009, 05:48 AM
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Take care of Yourself. I can't say my addict threatened me but I do understand when he threatened himself & I felt the guilt. We signed a 6 months lease thankfully & I was lucky to have a job. when the lease was up I rented a place of my own. My boyfriend wanted to come with me .... pleading & such. I got friends to help me move. He came to my place begging & crying to stay for a week. I looked at him through the locked window/door and said NO, I closed the blind & cried. It felt so bad, but only with the help of the NarAnon programe & my higher power I would never have found the courage to do it.

my prayers are with you.
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:29 AM
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call an ambulance for his wounds. tell him if he does not get help for his addiction he can not come home. you deserve better than this. he is not your responisablity unless you take it. saying prayers for yuou & for him. nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 01-04-2009, 08:27 AM
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Well, I can think of a lot that you can do, but the question is, are you willing?

First off, illegal activities are going on in your home. You can be charged as an accessory for knowing and not doing anything about it.

It sounds like your situation calls for drastic measures. If I were you, (and this is just my opinion,) I would see if there is someone you can talk to in law enforcement, in social services. You need to know what your rights are, where the law stands and what can be done. CAN they make him go to the hospital? WILL they let him out of a mental facility after a few days?

I would also tell someone that you THINK drugs are being delivered to your home and how to handle that legally.

He's in your home. You don't want him. He's trespassing unless he's married to you. Start talking to people, anyone, to get information.

Save up to move.

Document EVERYTHING. Write it down in a journal. Everything he says, does. Every time he threatens himself. Keep a written record. You never know when this may come in handy.

If you have a friend you can trust, you can start boxing things and moving them out a little at a time. You can get out. You know you can. Just start to plan it and move in small steps.

But, the big question here is, even if he does move out or even if YOU move, are you going to let him back in your life again? If so, then all of the above is 100% pointless.

If you're asking how to cope with him staying with you forever, you have to live your own life and set boundaries and be ok with him on your couch for a very very long time (unless he really does get help, but you'd be waiting on him.)

Good luck with it all. I hope you find your answers. Until you really decide to sever your ties, then leaving or forcing him out is just temporary. Figure out what you want permanently in your life and stick to it.

There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever allow people to buy/sell drugs in my house. I would call the police every time someone came over to sell something. Lots going on here that is disturbing.

You don't have to give him money.
Turn off his cell phone if you're paying for that.
Get rid of the landline if you're paying for that (and get a cell yourself,)
Turn off things like cable/satellite/internet.
Is he living in a hotel with you feeding, bathing, paying for his every whim? Are you a maid? A servant?

Ask yourself these things. What life do you want to live?
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Old 01-09-2009, 07:10 AM
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"There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever allow people to buy/sell drugs in my house. I would call the police every time someone came over to sell something. Lots going on here that is disturbing."

Yeah sure call the cops and then get killed by the deliverers, sounds like a plan....
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Old 01-09-2009, 08:42 AM
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Leave your stuff and GO!! It's only stuff! Take what you can carry and get out...then call the landlord, tell him what's going on....maybe he'll evict him and damages will be on him! You can always start over...and material things can always be replaced. Get away from this craziness. The sooner you do this, the sooner he will get help!! Right now you are helping him kill himself and putting yourself in jeperdy.
Take what you want and leave the rest!
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