In a Tailspin

Okay, so this is my second thread..........and it's amazing to me how quickly things go from bad to good and back again when living with an addict.

My abf (EXabf as of tonight) stole $400 from me the weekend before Thanksgiving. He begged and pleaded and said that was bottom for him. He started Suboxone a few days later and has been doing well, or so I thought. He had *smoked* a few times since going off oxy's (his DOC) and had one beer on NY eve. He said they weren't his problem, and in a way I was trying to be okay with that. Not my recovery, not my rules. Then, on his own accord, he decided that his NY resolution was not to use anything for 90 days (he is now off Suboxone). He has not been attending AA regularly, and I had expressed concern that he wasn't getting his mind ready to be off drugs while the subs were helping his body be ready. He told me he was doing it his way, and that he was getting support. Whatever. Again, not my recovery, not my rules.

Yesterday he went to a relapse prevention meeting (or so he says). I later found out that he went straight from there to get weed. When I got home (around 4) he was drinking a beer. Needless to say, I went to the next available meeting. When I got home, he had moved from beer to the (previously) unopened bottle of tequila I had gotten for my bday. The one that I had totally forgotten about, but that we had talked about saving for a special occasion. Told me he had shared some really painful stuff at his meeting and he wanted to not be sad anymore. I finally told him that he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself. Told him that the way he was using pot and alcohol last night was no different than the way he had been using pills, and was just as unacceptable. I actually used the words with him "I'm drawing a boundary here. I don't want active addiction in my life. If you continue using the way you are, we are done."

So I avoided him the rest of the night and all day today. Went to dinner with some girlfriends from work. Got home to find he had finished all the beer (which had been in the fridge for months) and had even more of the tequila than he had had the night before. Pretty sure he'd been smoking, also. So I told him that I was done. He's completely numbed out right now. Told me he can't even bring himself to care anymore. I told him he would when he realized he didn't have me anymore. I told him to move out (the house is mine and mine only) and then sent him a letter of eviction via email. He told me he got my email and that I wasn't helping myself. I told him that yes, I am. I am helping myself by not allowing him to pull me down with him any longer.

I can't believe that after all the crap I've gone through with him over pills, that I finally ended it over pot and alcohol. But I've had enough. And most frustrating, I really feel like he's the one that wanted out of the relationship. But instead of "manning up" and growing a pair to end it himself, he pushes me and pushes me until *I* end it. Now, in his mind, he has all the more reason to feel sorry for himself......because *I* left him. How f*ckin' lame and cowardly is that?!?

I don't even have the energy to be mad at him. I'm just hurt and numb. I don't know how I'll feel about all this tomorrow.......but my home meeting is tomorrow morning, so that should be helpful. I can't believe I've spent the last 3 years with this man..........for nothing. Absolutely nothing - - except HIS debt now in MY name. I am so stupid when it comes to love.