In a Tailspin

Okay, so this is my second thread..........and it's amazing to me how quickly things go from bad to good and back again when living with an addict.

My abf (EXabf as of tonight) stole $400 from me the weekend before Thanksgiving. He begged and pleaded and said that was bottom for him. He started Suboxone a few days later and has been doing well, or so I thought. He had *smoked* a few times since going off oxy's (his DOC) and had one beer on NY eve. He said they weren't his problem, and in a way I was trying to be okay with that. Not my recovery, not my rules. Then, on his own accord, he decided that his NY resolution was not to use anything for 90 days (he is now off Suboxone). He has not been attending AA regularly, and I had expressed concern that he wasn't getting his mind ready to be off drugs while the subs were helping his body be ready. He told me he was doing it his way, and that he was getting support. Whatever. Again, not my recovery, not my rules.

Yesterday he went to a relapse prevention meeting (or so he says). I later found out that he went straight from there to get weed. When I got home (around 4) he was drinking a beer. Needless to say, I went to the next available meeting. When I got home, he had moved from beer to the (previously) unopened bottle of tequila I had gotten for my bday. The one that I had totally forgotten about, but that we had talked about saving for a special occasion. Told me he had shared some really painful stuff at his meeting and he wanted to not be sad anymore. I finally told him that he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself. Told him that the way he was using pot and alcohol last night was no different than the way he had been using pills, and was just as unacceptable. I actually used the words with him "I'm drawing a boundary here. I don't want active addiction in my life. If you continue using the way you are, we are done."

So I avoided him the rest of the night and all day today. Went to dinner with some girlfriends from work. Got home to find he had finished all the beer (which had been in the fridge for months) and had even more of the tequila than he had had the night before. Pretty sure he'd been smoking, also. So I told him that I was done. He's completely numbed out right now. Told me he can't even bring himself to care anymore. I told him he would when he realized he didn't have me anymore. I told him to move out (the house is mine and mine only) and then sent him a letter of eviction via email. He told me he got my email and that I wasn't helping myself. I told him that yes, I am. I am helping myself by not allowing him to pull me down with him any longer.

I can't believe that after all the crap I've gone through with him over pills, that I finally ended it over pot and alcohol. But I've had enough. And most frustrating, I really feel like he's the one that wanted out of the relationship. But instead of "manning up" and growing a pair to end it himself, he pushes me and pushes me until *I* end it. Now, in his mind, he has all the more reason to feel sorry for himself......because *I* left him. How f*ckin' lame and cowardly is that?!?

I don't even have the energy to be mad at him. I'm just hurt and numb. I don't know how I'll feel about all this tomorrow.......but my home meeting is tomorrow morning, so that should be helpful. I can't believe I've spent the last 3 years with this man..........for nothing. Absolutely nothing - - except HIS debt now in MY name. I am so stupid when it comes to love.

Ann

Tailspin, you are not stupid nor crazy, just codependent like most of us here and it sounds like you are doing healthy things for yourself to regain your balance and to find peace in your life.

Sadly, active addicts are not capable of keeping promises, nor of loving in a healthy way because they can't even love themselves when using. And nothing you do or don't do will change things for him, only he can do that when he is ready. But you can change yourself and your circumstances, and it sounds like you are making good choices.

It doesn't matter what drug they choose, a drug is a drug and whatever they use will usually take them back to their drug of choice. My prayers go out that he will see this and find a better path soon.

I often say that I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy, but nor would I trade a single day of it with anyone. I would not have found recovery if I had not been through what I had experienced, and recovery has brought me to a beautiful place with my life, better than anything I might have found had my life been different.

Hang in there, keep doing good things for yourself, and one day your life will also be beautiful again, regardless of how his addiction and recovery may be going.

Hugs

Seren

Please don't beat yourself up! We all do the best we can with what we have.....and we learn as we go along.

You are taking some positive and decisive steps for yourself and your health. Good for you!

Take care! Lots of support coming your way!!!
HG

ZombieWife

(big hugs)

hope213

welcome to s.r. you deserve better. you have spent the last 3yrs with him. where will u be in 10 or even next year? he will not stop doing his drugs until he gets ready. that may never be as sad as it is. decide what you want & go from there. i feel your pain. prayers,

outtolunch

For many, alcohol is often the gateway back to drug addiction.

Creating conflict and chaos becomes the rationalization to " what the heck" thinking and we all know where that leads.

Is there any reason to live with anyone who steals from you?

hello-kitty

Sorry things aren't going so well for you. Your boyfriend is just doing what an addict does. Unless he is committed to a real program of recovery, he's not going to get any better. It may be a little up and down, but the trend will be down down down and worse worse worse.

That's why we can't listen to what addicts say. We have to watch what they DO and set boundaries for the kind of behavior that we will accept in our lives. If our boundaries get violated, then we need to take action to ensure it doesn't happen again. Unfortunately that means WE have to make changes. Not the person who violated our boundaries.

Focus on you! What do you want out of life? And what are you going to do to make sure that you achieve your dreams. If your dream isn't to be lied to and stolen from, then (I know it's tough) it's up to you to make changes to ensure you aren't.

To an addict a drug is a drug is a drug. It's about escaping reality by whatever means necessary. For your sanity, I suggest focusing on the fact that he is an addict and his lying and stealing behavior, NOT what he's putting in his body. And unfortunately, he's probably not done with the pills. A person who is addicted to pills doesn't up and quit using one day without support. They usually end up back on them, unless they work a program of recovery.

In a Tailspin

Thanks for all the support. I'm having a tough time today. Didn't sleep well or much last night. He's now trying to tell me that the only reason he made that 90-days totally clean resolution on NY eve was because I had been on his back. I know in my heart I haven't been on him - - at ALL. I've invited him to come to AA meetings at the same time as my alanon meetings, cuz he said he doesn't like the place he's been going to. But he's not wanted to come, and I haven't pushed.

So now he won't even take responsiblity for the promise he broke to himself, because he says that he did it under pressure. What BS!! He's so in his own world.........

Seren

Tailspin,

I'm sorry for his hurtful and manipulative words. You do deserve better. I hope your night will be peaceful tonight....

HG

hello-kitty

We are no more responsible for when a person uses, then when a person stays clean. We do not have that kind of power over people. We can only control ourselves. If an addict isn't staying clean for themselves and because they want to, it's doubtful they will stay clean very long.

Maybe you can stop talking to him. Maybe you smile, nod and just walk away. Everytime he opens his mouth just envision cartoon bubbles coming out saying "blah blah blah" or "quack quack quack" and then focus on how you are going to improve your situation.

I read you just broke up. What are your plans as far as future residence?

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!!


Hey, been there, done that. And really, we didn't spend the time for nothing, we were learning things about ourselves.

Expensive and painful, yes, but life lessons don't generally come cheaply.

In a Tailspin

I'm pretty lucky there...........I own the house. Just me. One good point in all this, I guess.

SistersHelp

That's an extremely good thing in all of this. Glad you have financial independence so you can take care of you. (That's not luck, by the way... that's good decisions on your part. )