Amy, I'll share my therapist's suggestions with you after I see him. I'm dealing with it in my house too, though not to your extreme. My daughter is still working her recovery but of course she doesn't have it down yet. She's asked me to help her stay honest. She wants and needs an occasional prod or kick in the ass and I said yes, only because I'm in a place in my recovery where it doesn't compromise me.
My husband is a classic passive/aggressive enabler and my son can be a bull in a china shop sometimes. Neither of them thinks they need any help. All I can do and continue to do, is tell them if and when they decide they need help I know where to find it. I probably say this at least twice a week, when they enable or act out. It stops fights dead in their tracks and I remind my daughter about staying on her side of the street, too.
My challenge is staying centered and I need suggestions/encouragement with it, too.