What to call this???
I debated whether to enter this thread because it is sort of personal but I decided that I should.
I felt "stuck" in my journey. I began to think of some of the things that have really spoken to me on this board. The first thing was a line that Jeff uses "Why keep doing the same thing and expecting different results?" Obviously, I was doing the same things and wondering why nothing was changing.
Step 2 was staring me in the face. I had a very bad experience with organized religion when I was younger. It's not that I don't believe in God - I do. It's just that I had come to believe that his earthly messengers could not be trusted. Also, I had accepted the fact that I had no control over others but I certainly was not about to hand over control of my life to someone else - that's crazy right?
It was a line in the Codependent Step Study that kept coming back to me. It was written by Ann - "...just to believe even a little bit that I might somehow, someday become sane again with help only God could give me." It was that "even a little bit" that stuck in my head. I could do "even a little bit" - I didn't have to understand the whole thing.
When I went to bed last night, I prayed. I didn't pray as usual - asking God to get me out of this mess, to fix everything. I said that I wasn't sure what I believed but that I was trying to believe that He would help me. I asked what I could do to help myself to turn things over to Him.
This is what came into my head:
- Cocentrate on going to AlAnon (I haven't ever gone - don't know why)
- Concentrate on going to the gym (I haven't been going because I've been too depressed)
- Concentrate on fixing healthy meals for you and the girls (I've been resorting to fast food because I just don't care anymore)
- When your mind takes you to the place where you wonder about what you should do or what tomorrow will bring, just think - I have turned it over and go back to concentrating on the other things.
It was almost like an assignment - made especially for me. I think I can do this.
One of the things that I always had trouble with was the "one day at a time" thing. I guess I thought that meant - just stay in the situtation and find a way to survive it each day and keep avoiding making any decisions. I think that "one step at a time" is easier for me to understand. I'm not wasting time "surviving" - I'm making valuable use of my time "growing and learning".
I just wanted to post this to let the "leaders" of this forum know that what you write on this board is powerful. Maybe it's just one little sentence or one little phrase that will change someone. Thank you Ann for the "even a little bit".
Sorry so long - L