o my friend, you are in a tunnel, but you do see some light, because you described your problem so perfectly.
given your description, i agree you should get into in-patient therapy,
and make your treatment your only waking activity for some months, or however
long it takes. You have many, many years in front of you, and this can be
cured. but it is very serious, and i know you're very aware of how serious it is.
that takes many less intelligent people much, much longer to figure out.
Senator George McGovern had a daughter Terry who died of severe alcoholism. I hope you can borrow this book from your library.
And i hope you sign up for some in-patient therapy. Treat it like cancer or a heart problem. You HAVE to do it or serious, possibly fatal, health problems will grow.
Amazon.com: Terry: My Daughter's Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism: George McGovern: Books
Wishing you strength and perseverance in your difficult physical illness.