I am feeling very hopeless today...i have been "officially" trying to get sober for over 3 moonths from outside sources (usually i would try it on my own and that never worked)- i started an out-patient treatment thinking that would "cure" me...after a few relapses, i tried AA. i am still going to AA but i have continued to relapse. my sponser today told me that she cannot help me until i stop drinking, well, i ask myself...can't she make me quit drinking?? haha. i am truely HUMBLED and HOPELESS. i feel like i have absolutely NO trust in my self and that is a SCARY feeling...not even my sponser can help me right now. what i think it comes down to (and this is what my sponser also said today) was that i have not truely ACCEPTED that i am an alcoholic... i know that i am an alcoholic and that my life is unmanagable and lonely and awful when i drink but i have not truely ACCEPTED it- i have not taken the action part of that sentance (accepting) and i keep trying to think that it will some how go away and i'll be "normal" again and all will be well. i also have given up patience- i keep hearing about how happy sobriety can be...well i am happy a lot but i am also VERY depressed and sad a lot and the only thing that i am used to filling my sadness with is alcohol...i know i need to fix that but i feel like no matter what i will always go back to drinking bc that is what i've always done.
Well, HOW THE HELL CAN I ACCEPT THAT I AM AN ALCOHOLIC??? i don't know how to do it...i can say it to myself but i always end up drinking again. i feel hopeless and lonely and like a failure- i hate when i drink and i hate when i am sober (**although much less). I keep wondering, do i really have to lose it all or go to jail or get raped or ******* kill myself?? What will make me accept and move on and accept accept accept accept that i am an alcoholic...aghhhh. i know that the answer is that i need to work harder and pray to my higher power and i am trying to do that but obviously not hard enough. i will quit my rambling...thanks for listening/reading and any advice would be helpful...i am 25yrs old and i want to have a happy and sober life and i want to STOP this viscious cycle of relapsing bc it will be a very sad life..... thank you and i am grateful for this site (i've been visiting here and reading for over a year)
peace and love
