BSC,
Have you considered a get-together with a counselor of some sort to help you sift through this. I mean, consider these statements:
Originally Posted by
BeyondBSC 
I wanted to hurt him.
I am beating myself up over this.
and then these
Originally Posted by
BeyondBSC He is beat up, looks very worn down.
I need to extend the PFA in ten days, I am worried that this will just infuriate him.
He moves quick.
This person is either the Enemy (who could hurt your family) or he is someone you have sympathy for and whose feelings you take into account. I can't tell from your post which he is.
For me -- and this is just me -- he would be the Enemy big time. I would have to stop beating myself up long enough to get him the hell out of my airspace with whatever tools are at my disposal, and I too would entertain those thoughts of wishing he would just vanish in a puff of smoke, with my help if necessary.
For example, what do you care how he feels about extending the PFA? YOU know it needs to be done; he's a nut job. Why is what you do for YOU any of his business? I can't tell from your post if you hate him, miss him, care for him.......your feelings come out (to an impartial observer) all mixed up. A counselor can help you put them all in columns and develop a plan of action. Berating yourself is fine if you're trying to make sure you don't do this to yourself again, but it's a poor substitute for a counselor's help, which might be better, more useful, and more permanent.
Wishing you a new year of peace and freedom from this kind of ugliness.