Oh my gassy friend. Ok thats my attempt to make you crack a smile.
I know how you feel. I have a crap job too. And a crap job that keeps calling me not to come to work on top of it. My town is boring. I have no education. I have a record that makes most employers run like hell.
I wear a maid uniform to work..I have to clean nasty peoples **** out of toilets and nasty pubes from the tub and anyhting else disgusting they may leave behind for the "MAID" to clean. I am 33 and have never once moved out on my own. My grams washes my clothes..cooks me dinner ad even has to buy my gas sometimes. I am in all reality a huge friggin teenager. ANd I wouldnt say I am ugly..But I am a blob. At least I feel like one alot. I am pushing 300lbs. I feel like a failure all the time. My whole family has good jobs and homes and new cars. I dont have anythign. And what makes it sadder is I couldnt survive on my own if I had to.
But I have learned that I have to be thankful for what is good in my life. I would love nothing more than to snap my fingers and start over. But I cant.
Your not a failure. And you know I be here saying the same things alot like you are now.
And I have gotten so much great advice and support. And you being one of them every time.
Right now I need to be thankful I even have a job. Because I have been applying and searching for months just for a PT job and there is NOTHING.
Mcdonalds isnt even hiring. Thast bad when you cant even get a job at mcdonalds.
I have a roof over my head and I have a warm bed and a family who loves me and cares enough to have a 33 yr old addict who is TRYING live off them.
Your doing what you can. And using isnt going to make it any better.
Whats the point of being clean? I really dont have the answer..because I wonder the same thing alot myself.
But I do know I am not anywhere in as much pain or causing pain to my family by living this so called crappy existance sober.
We all have our own points to sobriety..I dont know mine..I just know I am not suffering anymore and my family isnt watching me destroy myself.
Sorry so long.
But I really know how you feel..And I want you to know..and I know you already do know..That its what you really want deep down. Whether you believe it or not. I know you dont want to suffer anymore behind addiction anymore than the rest of us.
Ok shuttin up now..BIG HUGS