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Old 12-28-2008, 04:20 PM
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I got nothin'
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Do not read this if you are upset now...

If everyday has to be a "struggle", can someone please tell me what the f**k is the point?

I'm looking for some kind of hope (I guess) because I'm having a really hard time trying to see something to look forward to. I'm stuck in a shytty job with no hopes of obtaining a better one (no opportunity to save anything--it's a paltry amount). I'm stuck in an even shyttier town with no hopes of getting out. Every day living is the same nightmare--I'm living out every single one of my fears. Somehow, ten or so years ago, I knew this would happen. And it has. I could see it coming...a couple of crappy circumstances snowballed into the cluster it is today. I wear a paper hat to work. I live with my parents. I am a disgusting ugly blob. I am a failure.

This is no fun. Sobriety is overrated.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:26 PM
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Everyday can be a struggle for me too Bam and I'm sober
I try to stay positive tho - more often than not it works to focus on the good stuff...

I just know drinking never makes it better - if that were true none of us would be here.

hugs
D
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:29 PM
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Yikes, Bam, I am sorry you're feeling so down.

Be proud of yourself for accomplishing the sobriety that you have. You're doing great!

I wonder what steps you've taken to change your life. I know the job market is tough these days, but maybe you could consider going back to school or taking some courses, to help you move into a different line of work. There is always hope.

Something else that I have found, is that if you expect bad things to happen, then that's what will happen. If you expect good things to come to you, they will.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:34 PM
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Not much I can do for a job...I simply don't have the transportation. There really is nothing around here. It's a small, dumpy, West Virginian town.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:36 PM
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Oh my gassy friend. Ok thats my attempt to make you crack a smile.

I know how you feel. I have a crap job too. And a crap job that keeps calling me not to come to work on top of it. My town is boring. I have no education. I have a record that makes most employers run like hell.
I wear a maid uniform to work..I have to clean nasty peoples **** out of toilets and nasty pubes from the tub and anyhting else disgusting they may leave behind for the "MAID" to clean. I am 33 and have never once moved out on my own. My grams washes my clothes..cooks me dinner ad even has to buy my gas sometimes. I am in all reality a huge friggin teenager. ANd I wouldnt say I am ugly..But I am a blob. At least I feel like one alot. I am pushing 300lbs. I feel like a failure all the time. My whole family has good jobs and homes and new cars. I dont have anythign. And what makes it sadder is I couldnt survive on my own if I had to.
But I have learned that I have to be thankful for what is good in my life. I would love nothing more than to snap my fingers and start over. But I cant.

Your not a failure. And you know I be here saying the same things alot like you are now.
And I have gotten so much great advice and support. And you being one of them every time.

Right now I need to be thankful I even have a job. Because I have been applying and searching for months just for a PT job and there is NOTHING.
Mcdonalds isnt even hiring. Thast bad when you cant even get a job at mcdonalds.

I have a roof over my head and I have a warm bed and a family who loves me and cares enough to have a 33 yr old addict who is TRYING live off them.

Your doing what you can. And using isnt going to make it any better.

Whats the point of being clean? I really dont have the answer..because I wonder the same thing alot myself.
But I do know I am not anywhere in as much pain or causing pain to my family by living this so called crappy existance sober.

We all have our own points to sobriety..I dont know mine..I just know I am not suffering anymore and my family isnt watching me destroy myself.
Sorry so long.

But I really know how you feel..And I want you to know..and I know you already do know..That its what you really want deep down. Whether you believe it or not. I know you dont want to suffer anymore behind addiction anymore than the rest of us.

Ok shuttin up now..BIG HUGS
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:42 PM
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Being on this new restrictive diet isn't helping....no booze, no cigarrettes, no caffiene (which means no chocolate) and no artificial sweetener. I'm almost in a rage right now. I haven't had any of these things in at least two weeks. Shouldn't I be feeling better instead of feeling like crap? I want to destroy something. Seriously.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:43 PM
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Oh, yeah, and my palpitations haven't dissappeared even though these things were cut out. Doctors are morons.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:45 PM
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(((Bam)))

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I work in a family restaurant that's just one step above fast food (my cooks wear the paper hats, but I don't since I wait tables), live at home and I'm 47. 6 years ago I was an RN making really good money.

I have a car, live in Atlanta, and STILL can't find a better job, thanks to the economy and my legal consequences of when I was using.

The one thing that doesn't cross my mind, however, is going back to using. That's what got me INTO all this mess.

I agree with Anna..when we expect negative things, that's all we can see or focus on. I am taking online courses that will hopefully open up some better job options. I focus, every day, on what's good in my life, even if it's just that there is a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I see homeless people every day to remind me.

I'm not downplaying your feelings. I remember them well. I just know that I had to change my attitude because I got tired of being miserable.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:47 PM
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((Bam))

Okay, now I just read about your diet. If you took my cigarettes away, AND chocolate, I may be in a rage, too The chocolate I could probably handle, except once a month. When I tried to quit smoking, the last time, I was pretty darned angry.

BIG hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:48 PM
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Well geez..That explains alot. Seriously.
Trying to deal with addiction and giving up soem comforts all at the same time is enough to make anyone want to kick down walls.
Is there anything that you can have that will help you feel better?
Take a nice hot bubble bath? Nice decaf tea or somehting?
Theres gotta be something you can do to relive some of that stress.
Beat the hell out of a pillow for awhile.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:56 PM
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Yeah, I don't know...I go to the doctor again on the 5th of January and I'm going to tell them how impossible it is to stop drinking when they take all the other substitutes away. I need to get these morons to schedule an exercise stress test. They need to stop pulling solutions out of their respective a**es and do some actual testing(and I need to stop letting them do that just because they're "smarter" than I am).

I just ate a bunch of spicy food and some nuts. I’m not hungry, but I’m ravenously hungry. I want more food. Make sense?

I love my mom. I just talked to her. She thinks I should be on medication. I told her that might be a bad idea because I already abuse alcohol. She knows I cannot control my moods--she can always tell by looking at my face what state I'm in. Bless her.......she does understand. And we're going to do something fun and non-alcoholic New Year's Eve.

At least I'm crying, now. I'm still human.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:01 PM
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Bam, you know the situation I'm in... but by not drinking/smoking weed, going to therapy, taking my meds.. I atleast stand a chance to improve it.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:04 PM
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hang in there bam...sorry u are feeling so crappy! i haven't been feeling my best either...worry...worry...worry...all about things i can't control...mostly finances or lack there of and lack of control when it comes to other people..thankfully i haven't had to give up chocolate or cigarettes...i sympathize with you there!!! keep posting and venting if u need to!! thinking of you!! big hugs!!! xxxxx
Lisa
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:06 PM
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(((Bam)))

Not all medication is something you will abuse. I'm on an antidepressant right now. They put me on it for post-traumatic stress disorder after I got whacked in the head with a gun during a robbery at work and I got so stressed out I couldn't concentrate on anything. It doesn't make me high, just lets me function. I'm also on meds for migraines, which are not narcotics (also thanks to the whack on the head).

I don't abuse any of this stuff, 'cause none of it makes me feel high, it just does what it's supposed to do, so think about it and talk to your dr., okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:06 PM
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Everyone, thank you so much for being here. I feel better enough now that I'm no longer out of control. I still feel like crap, but I can handle this. I posted because my mood was getting really scary. Thank you.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:09 PM
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We all have these days. As awful as things may look right now..I now tomorrow or the next day you will eb right back to your old funny joking self again.

Its ok to have crappy days. Thank Goodness yall put up with mine.
Because I can be a selfish whining little brat alot.

But I bounce back and back on that positive train again. I know youll do it too.
But for now...Just stay close and let it out. Keep posting.

Yes..You are human...Remember that.

Your going to make me go on a mission now and find soemthing funny for you.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:11 PM
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If you feel like destroying something do it, find something that it wont matter if you break and do it. It always makes me feel better.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:16 PM
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Oh Bam! I love ya and value your friendship. I think you're one hell of a human being. I can only say I love ya and hang on. Find something good, anything, and hang on to it for dear life - your dear life.

I'm sorry you're being 'tested by fire' lately. I send hugs, and hugs from my dogs and a lick of the hand. I will keep you in my thoughts that you find some peace of mind.

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Old 12-28-2008, 05:42 PM
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Hi Bam, trying to kick alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine all at the same time is a pretty tall order. Also going on any very restrictive diet early in recovery can be rough. Doing all of the above in a depressed state of mind would drive anyone up a wall. I would tackle one thing at a time. If you can stay off the alcohol for 6 months to a year then tackle the other things.

As far as being stuck in a low paying dead end job, I realize that can be stressful in and of itself. I'm assuming your female and if so the nursing profession always needs people. You can start off as a nurses aid (most hospitals will train you for this position) and at least you could advance from there, (work toward an RN degree). My cousin who had never worked before started off as a nurses aid at the age of 45 then took classes and became a RN several years later.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:46 PM
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I know Christmas is over..One of my friends sent this to me. I thought it was pretty funny. And I know you can appreciate it just as much as I did.. LOL

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