Hi Ex and Welcome to SR! I think most of us know how you feel. I know I sure did. While I did way more pills than alcohol I had many many blackouts. I am so very grateful that I no longer live like that. I had an aversion to meetings. But once I started going I could see how much they helped me. I am now clean and sober for 23 months. For someone like me that is a miracle b/c I used every day for 15 years.
Please keep posting!